[justasking]

I tried counselling but it wasn't successful.

It was in the early days and she kept saying 'this doesn't sound like a man that wants to leave' which raised my hopes only to have them dashed all the time.

Luckily I had already started on my road of knowledge and finally thought I got better advice from my friends so kicked into touch.

[watching and waiting]

SNAP! JA XXX

HUGS

[Hopeful]

When my wife left, I sank into deep depression, so the first thing I did was see a physician.  He put me on two different depression medications.

I was on the phone constantly with friends and family, trying to figure out what in the heck was going on??  The confusion and devastation was unbelievable!!  A friend of mine gave me the name of a psychologist so I called the guy and lined up an appointment.

Right away I liked the guy.  He seemed to know what he was doing.  I visited him every week for about two months.  He started to tell me things that I didn't like about my wife.  He said things about her in a way that I thought was not christian like, and lacked compassion for what she was going through.   One time he said, "You'll have much less stress in your life now!", and then he said, "Your wife was never a responsible person, and you should move on!".  I just thought comments like that were uncalled for.

Well it got to a point that all I did was talk about my wife when I went to get counselling.  Finally he said, "Can't you see your wife is severely depressed, and she has been depressed for a long time?"  He totally caught me by surprise by what he said.  He then said, "It could be a very long time before she gets over it!" When he said that I sat quietly and thought about it.  I knew she was having a midlife crisis but I hadn't thought about it in those terms before.  It was after that I stopped going to the therapist, and I started researching MLC and I fortunately found this site after many months.

[stayed]

I went to a counselor twice.  I was with my mother taking care of her.  My h had been acted really crazy, before I had left him to care for my mom.  He called every single day, Monday to Friday.  I thought that was because he could call cheaper for work.  Then I tried to contact him on the weekend,I was upset because my mother had had a severe downturn and we didn't know if she was going to survive.  I called and called all weekend, our house and his cell phone.  No answer.  That was the first time the penny dropped and I considered that my h of 28 years just might be cheating on me.  I desperately continued to call him and finally got him on his cell phone late on Sunday night.  Told him what was going on and asked where the hell he had been, I had been trying to contact him all weekend.  He lied.  He came home to see us a couple of weeks later, after saying something really cruel like, "*uck 28 yrs., I'm entitled to be happy"... after a long pause, I asked if there was somebody else.  He lied.  Then he came home.  He stayed for a week and throughout the whole week insisted there was nobody else.  He just needed space and please give him time to work through this.  When he returned to Europe, I went to a doctors appointment and saw a counselor advertised there, and went home and called her immediately.  She was very helpful.  She listened to what was going on and told me flat out, it sounded like my h was having an affair.  As I was leaving I asked if I should go back to europe and find out and she definitely felt I should. 

I did.  He told me that very night.  I was jet lagged and had had a glass of wine, which of course hit me like a bomb.  I had not been eating since he had left, so an empty stomach didn't help.

Anyway, a few months later when my h was back for Christmas, we went to see the counselor again.  She didn't think he was MLC, as I had asked her about that.  She told us, she saw a wonderful couple, who had had a wonderful marriage and was sure we could work it out.  After seeing her, my h said he wanted me to come back with him, as my mother was very ill by then I couldn't.  In Feb. she passed away.  My h came home for the funeral.  We had a huge confrontation, which ended with him sobbing me and asking me to take him back.  He assured me he just wanted his life back.  We couldn't get a flight the same day, so he went ahead and the day he arrived, he called me at OW's insistence while she sat there and made sure he did exactly what he was suppose to, and told me not to come.  That our marriage was over and he was in love with OW.

I went back to Europe, moved my furniture and belongings, arranged for them to be sent to Canada.  Returned to Canada and left a week later for New Zealand.   

Now my h, saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist here in Europe.  I suspect he lied to them, directed them to the conclusion he wanted them to come to.  I think he also lied to me about what they had told him.... he has never changed his story about that, so they may very well have told him exactly what he told me they said, but of course, he manipulated them.  He claims the one psychologist suggested that perhaps he could keep us both, me as his wife and the other as his mistress.  The psychiatrist felt he was preparing him to let go and get on with his own life.  That we had outgrown each other and although we had once been good partners, we no longer had the same needs or requirements. 

I think my psychologist might have been quite helpful, but I don't think she believed in MLC, so initially helpful perhaps, and as for standing... I didn't even realize that was what I was doing.  The two my h saw, I don't blame them in the least, let's be honest, you can only help with the INFORMATION, you are provided with and well the patient was in full blown MLC... so I expect your imagination can fill in blanks about how those sessions went.  lol

All and all, not sure.  Have not heard good things.  Have heard that most shrinks prefer to work one on one... not comfortable with couple counseling.  Dependent on the who you get I guess.   

[rediscover]

I've had two therapist.
First was just after H agreed to work on marriage, 3 weeks after BD. H went to her once, the day he decided he was leaving. She always, from the beginning said that this was not my fault. She said it was him. I stopped seeng her the day he moved out. I couldn't face her knowing he told her he was leaving me before I knew. I felt betrayed. I felt like she could have stopped him. I don't believe that now.
Current therapist is amazing. He has encouraged me to Stand. He has worked with my children and continues to help them express themselves to their father.  He actually walks me through different scenarios each week that will help me be ok in dealing with H.
 H has been once with me, for a 3 hour session and 2 times as a family. Since ourr last family session H continues to make appointments for individual therapy, but always cancels at the last minute. He also will not take calls from the therapist, he'll only email or text.
I find this interesting because this is also how he attempts to maintain contact with his children.
Therapist thinks H is massively confused, MLC and PTSD combined. PTSD probably brought on MLC and a few other things pushed it. H decided to leave after another incident that brought on PTSD. 

[BraveNewWorld]

Hi,
    Therapy helped me with practical strategies and tools. To manage my anxieties about time keeping, and tidyness. To better understand why my children behave in certain ways and how best to relate to them. I've made strong permanent changes in my patience and emotional communication.

It allowed me to understand things that I was sad about, and happy about. Practically it was very good and I'd like to resume some of that.

Therapy didn't help me a lot with understanding this crisis or my role in it. All my therapist could tell me was that my negative behaviors were not unusual but with *this* person ( my wife ) they are not compatible. He was very quick to declare the marriage over. He was very quick to fix on the role that I played in it. I've never felt so low in my life than after some of those sessions - and I believe that he didn't make a good judgement. I talked to him about it. In the end he wanted me to tell him what I needed to hear from him. That wasn't what I was looking for.

I genuinely think that I worked hard, listened hard, made sacrifices and tried to show my wife that I loved her. Since learning about love languages, I can understand that maybe I should focus more on the things I didn't do, rather than the things that I did. My therapist told me that all the answers are with my wife.

I can't get my answers from her, but lately I'm starting to see glimpses of myself, and I'm finding more hope in myself.

My sister in law is also a therapist. She who dealt with a lot of women abused in childhood. She tells me that my wife projecting. That I'm taking the anger that was built up over her life, and that it feels good for her to have a focal point for it. She tells me that it is apparent that I'm blaming myself for this and it is wrong of me to do that. She tells me that in time I'll see where I have been mistreated in our marriage. She is concerned for me, and gently tells me to move on. That I'll find that I can stand strong, and in fact it will be healthier for me than married life has been.

I talked to a marriage counselor by myself. His first questions were about our backgrounds. My parents have been married for 54 years. Her parents were married for 17. Her father was mentally ill, her mother was abused by her father. My wife doesn't have a reference for a healthy marriage. She tells me that my parents don't have one either. I can see her point in some ways - but I think the 54 years proves us wrong. I know that all marriages have their quirks. The marriage counselor told me that eventually people like my wife wake up to themselves and not to shut the door to her. He told me to kill her with kindness, that affairs eventually end. Where are all the success stories from them? Nothing can grow in bad soil. He helped me. We'll see.

We also met another therapist together and it was a very interesting experience. I'll write it up on my own thread soon.

Good topic.

holdingon

[Undaunted]

Sorry, but did I really start this thread and misspell the title? Yikes. I musta been out of it.

[growing every day]

I am fortunate to have a very good therapist. She is kind when she feels I need it and in my face ( which is even better) when I need it. Her goal of course is to work on me. And through my seesions I am learning so so so many things aboutmyself that I would not be able to do alone.
She "gets" the MLC thing. And while she understands it, she also reminds me many many times, that this is H's problem not mine. It's good to have someone that understands why I am questioning his actions and behaviours. She in Letting Go's terms says "he's f'ing nuts.  That not making light of it, but she agrees that he is lost , depressed and truly confused. Her mantra to me is "remember it's the actions not the words.
I truly am grateful that I have her in my life. Yesterday in our session I told her that I'm going to limit my conversations about my situation to her, and well of course here. Most people don't truly understand it, and they end up saying things to me that makes it worse. Even if it is well meaning, unless you are in my shoes you have no idea what I am feeling. I need to work this out on my own, with her and this community's support.
I am blessed to have her in my life1

[Still]

I saw a counselor for about a year and a half. He assisted me with understanding myself. He had no knowledge of MLC and that aspect was difficult. To be honest, I outgrew him. I could no longer just go and talk about my problems without the person listening having a knowledge of MLC.

I tried several time to give him resources, but he really felt that my H had a cognitive crystalization and that he no longer had feelings for me. His focus was constantly to help me cope with that issue.

I haven't seen him for about 2 months. The lawyer I consulted (who had an MLC) recommended a Christian psychologist. I may contact him in the future, but I don't feel any desperation right now.

[Hope for Zen]

I think I am in the fortunate category.

I have never really looked to my therapist for answers, only advice and perspective.  He has been great for that.  My therapist has served as a sounding board, a safe place to vent, and an objective outsider.  His stance has been that I am the one who decides how long to stand for my marriage and his job is to help me either way. 

He is not really on board with MLC since it is not a diagnosis, but still seems pretty in line with much of the advice I get here.  He recommended a book not long ago that I am reading now called “The Peter Pan Syndrome.”  It seems to me like it looks at child development and how it develops into what the author calls Peter Pan Syndrome.  If you changed out Peter Pan for MLC it has a lot of the same ideas that get talked about here.  It does have some interesting ideas, but relies heavily on anecdotal evidence. 

With my therapist’s help I have worked hard to separate my feelings from my decisions about what is best for my daughter.  I have begun to look at my own behaviors that enable others to abuse me.  I have made progress in seeing my marriage and my husband for what it is/was, not just what I wanted to see.

I have only recently gotten to the point where my appointments are more about me and not just about my marriage and my H’s latest antics.  I can see a lot of hard work ahead of me right now.