Fabulous topic. This is something that gets "skirted around" here but not often directly addressed.
Of course, every LBS's sitch is different and it's hard to make generalizations about this but, for me, I've found that
the kinder I am to my H, the kinder he is to me. It's almost spooky how that's the case for me.
Syn, I agree with you that the MLCer is "ordained" to take this journey, that they must work on the issues that are unresolved in their lives, or the unprocessed pain/depression, and that's what the MLC is all about.
As LBSers all we can do is get out of their way and not pursue or pressure. That's why letting the MLCer set the pace
completely on contact is so crucial. They feel so out of control (despite what they say) in their lives that anything that gives them a sense that they're
in control (like when and if they contact their spouse/family) helps them calm themselves. At least that's what I observe with my H.
I almost never initiate contact with my H since he left to live with OW 7 months ago. He, however, contacts me every 3 - 4 weeks. We see each other once or twice a month (lunch, coffee, he comes to the house for a visit, etc.)
It helps that he & OW are living 90 miles from me so I don't have to run into him/them and our only child's an adult (D22) so there's no custody stuff. H & D talk on the phone, not frequently, but more than H and I do. She refuses to visit him at this time because she disapproves of what he's doing (she's made this very clear to him) and she doesn't like the OW but she does talk with her F with some regularity.
When H and I are together I try to be warm, cordial, mirroring, affirming and to
listen and reflect what he's saying. I give no advice, make no editorial comments, no R talk, and OW is not discussed by either of us. In fact, I act like she doesn't exist.
I say nothing negative to H, even when I'm angry. For example, he's recently told me he won't be able to afford to pay his half of our D's grad school tuition for this semester (something he agreed to do in our settlement agreement.) He told me he'd have to owe me the money. I simply said, "I understand. I know you're good for it." What I really wanted to say was "You and OW just bought a 54 foot boat to live on and you're telling me you can't afford $5,000 for your daughter's education!!! You a** h***!"
I only ask questions about his work and health and not very many of those. He, on the other hand, almost grills me (in a friendly way) on what I'm doing. He's like a man who's been wandering in the desert and has found an oasis. He wants to know everything I'm doing and asks lots of questions, in a nice way. I'm working very hard at GALing so there's always a lot to tell. He seems a bit stunned in fact by all I'm up to.
As time goes on H is becoming warmer to me. The last time I saw him (three weeks ago) he asked just before he left if he could "have a hug." It was the first time we'd hugged in 7 months. Last week, for the first time since he left 7 months ago, he came by the house unannounced (I think he was checking up on me, to see if the changes he sees when he visits are "real.") Luckily I was on my way out to a lunch date, (had makeup on and was dressed up a bit.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/Smileys/default/smiley.gif) So I had to apologize that I couldn't visit with him. His excuse for coming by was to drop off some mail that had been mistakenly ended up being forwarded to him. The "mail" was advertisements!
So by being kind, not confronting him, not reminding him of how unhappy he's made me, not acknowledging OW, not taking any "bait" he puts out (the tuition issue may have been an attempt on his part to button push) I feel I'm showing H that I accept him and that he can trust me. It's counter intuitive that's for sure, but, as I've heard said somewhere, "Would you rather be right or be married?"
MLC doesn't last forever, that I do believe. I can (I hope and pray!) endure his behavior because I believe there's hope of reconciliation and,
if that happens, he will eventually deeply regret his current choices and actions. His "right mind" will return. That's my hope anyway.
And I agree that unconditional love should be our goal. It's one of the changes I'm having to really look at in myself. I took so much for granted in my marriage and I can see, with the clarity of hindsight, that my behavior was often cruel and selfish to my H (yes, I was no angel!)
Change is what the MLC journey is about and not only for the MLCer but for us, the LBSs, too. If we can keep the "unconditionals" as our guides, I believe we'll be better off, whatever the outcome of our sitchs.
My rant for the evening!
TMHP
M 58
H 60
D 22
M 38 yrs.
BD Jan.'11
H living with OW
Author
Topic: 
Friendhsip and your MLCer