[LisaLives]

So I need an emergency piece of advice.  We are almost 1.5 years post BD, divorce final this month, we live in a small town, and H's girlfriend (fiancee) lives far away, but is flying in for a visit this week.  I have the kids.  H wanted permission to take them to an event on Tuesday, I asked them, they didn't want to go, then he came back with dinner, plus S14 has an event Sunday that he wants to take OW to, so he wants to pick up son and take him.  At first I said okay, but as I started to really think about it, I realized I am not okay with it and it is my time.  If he had brought her in on his time, he could do what he wanted and I couldn't and wouldn't say no, but it is my time, so I said no.  He thinks I am being petty and went all monster on me. 

Am I being unreasonable?  Really, tell me the truth--at what point do I have to sit back and realize that she is my replacement and I have to accept that for my kids to be healthy they will need to have a good relationship with her?  Our parenting plan allows them to have the kids all holidays, summer and one weekend a month, though I am still not sure how that will be managed since we do live half a country apart...  Dealing with OW is so hard when it comes to my kids, one of whom is really struggling with this...       

[Synicca]

Lisa,

I would say that if it IS your scheduled time with your kids then you have every right to say no.

I told my H IF Ow moves back here, I will be the one to monitor my D's visits because I do not trust Ow
as a Mother, She has been reckless with her own kids and her immoral guidance rador is OFF just like
his.

Stay strong for your kids, you H cant do it right now...atleast mine can't.

[Dontgiveup]

I don't know that there is a good answer regarding your question....I just don't know.  I do know that this other woman will not be able to be your "replacement".

Your husband has this marriage planned before your divorce is final.  There's a laundry list as to why that's not a good idea.  Your husband is heading down a dead end street.

Here's a piece from one of the Standing articles:
But second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages and when there are children involved the failure is even higher.

[Mamma Bear]

  Great topic. I got past the betrayal(or am dealing w/ said betrayal) by using the articles here.
  H followed every single cookie cutter behavior mentioned in all the articles.
   Hindsight again..hiding in basement for 2 years playing with guitars and failing miserably as a stay at home Dad. 
   BD 2-14-11 Ran away down the street yellling "we can be friends"  Gone completely six weeks. Affair down in FULL SWING.  Her resume (discovered from my snoop festival) :46yo with 3 kids ,1 grandkid and 1 son who lives w/ his Dad.
Craphole hot cramped dirty apt in seedy part of town. Ugly face book picture Pew yuck
  My H said when he thought we were hopeless he ran to put some of his guitars and amps at her house thinking she was married. When he said"I hope your H doesn't mind all this clutter temporarily.." She said "I'm not married" and WHAMO They are in LOVE> "A REAL friend"  Ok forget my BS degree in pharmacy and the MDs I work with and psychiatrists I work with. They know NOTHING.
   I now know from being here on this forum(THANKS) that he is just up to Chapter 4 in this playbook. Time to wonder why mommy looks so nice. H asks the Ds every time. Smiley blinky love eyes.
   Like HB says "They are miserable and hiding it from everyone except LBS who knows them better than anyone"   Until they look WITHIN THEMSELVES for the cause they won't see it.
      Shallow superficial on the surface playing house together. And the sex is no fun anymore. Their heads are too screwed up. That's all...

[wondering]

I definitely have trouble getting past OW. She has recently become more assertive in H's life and called our home the other day for the first time (that I'm aware of). I blew up at H as this is my home, my sanctuary. I am always amazed at how uncaring, selfish and hurtful they are. This woman knows how much I am hurting and she calls his cell phone twenty times a day. Now if he doesn't answer she just keeps trying. H says he put a stop to it.  It is now 9 months of their relationship, they are on their second breakup. She is starting to show her true colors but H still loves the drama.

She is not that attractive, 48 yrs old, a nurse, never been married (wonder why?). H used to say that nothing is wrong with her that she could have plenty of guys. yea right that's why she picked a married, 64 man in a midlife crisis...yea what a catch. H is so delusional. I don't want to hate her or anyone on this earth. It gives them too much power. If I didn't have to see her and see all the phone calls it would be much easier. The situation  is causing me to think about kicking my H out for my own emotional health.

[rememberer]

I don't  know what the 'right answer' is, but IMHO, I would let go. Let the chips fall where they may. All you're doing is creating unhealthy emotions for yourself. He has a right to see his kids, and OW is going to be a part of that for a while. Not sure how old your kids are but in the end, it is now their relationship with their Dad and OW and they are going to have to deal with it themselves. If they don't like it , or don't want to go, they will let it be known in some fashion eventually. But I wouldn't make the kids feel torn or like they are betraying you. Rise above it. If it is 'your time' well then, he needs to respect that, but a little flexibility, couldn't hurt the relationship all around, as you may need some flexibility some time too.

[Synicca]

I soooo understand Wondering..


I too see the "addiction" the constant calls and texts...non stop. 24/7 almost.

When you get to see first hand when your H's are living with you and still very much with Ow,
you can see the addiction. the manipulation. the controling on BOTH sides.

There is NO trust on eaither side, How could there be.

on another note: I learned within the first week after BD, DO NOT BAD MOUTH ow/om to your spouse!
this is a BIG NO NO!!

since they are in this "save" her mode...protecting the "love" of their life..."whatever!"
It causes your spouse to dig his teeth in deeper with the Ow.

They will run to them faster if your in their face about "The scank"

I made the mistake of calling Ow a "Stupid worthless, C" lastnight to my H. ( I can get upset too) LOL!
and he took off, got on the phone and was talking to her until God knows when..

Be very careful about that!! You dont want to give them a reason to RUN to them at all!!!

[Mamma Bear]

   Wondering, My H used to call me twenty times a day. Even stuff like "Where's the lettuce?"
  It gets SOOOO ANNOYING!
  I think MLCers get smothered w/ stupid phone calls and texts all day. That's why we are in charge of Dignity and Grace and OWs are in charge of needy and clinging and desperate and unstable. 
 

[Mermaid]

Of course it is upsetting, Faith. It's still a betrayal of your trust in him and of your R.

In a way you are right, it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him, and his probable confused state of mind. He may not even connect you and these fantasies in his head.

Nevertheless, you can't control him. You can tell him how you feel, you can withdraw, protect yourself, detach from this madness as much as possible, and look after yourself.

Take care, M

[HeartsBlessing]

I know it is classic MLC but it's still upsetting. My H has been communicating online with these women. He's on a free dating web site and I found emails back and forth between him and these women. What's even more upsetting is that when he spent a few nights at a hotel when we were arguing one night, he came back with the phone number of the front desk employee. Come to fond out, he has added her to his Facebook friends list. She is 19, has been arrested, and she is dating someone else. Here he is- a 38 year old man. I tell myself this had nothing to do with me and not to let it bother me. But how can it not? 11 years of loving him unconditionally and this is what I get??I tell myself it is part of the crisis but do they ever wake up and stop this nonsense?

Whether they wake up or not; depends on them; just like the navigation of the crisis depends upon them.
These women are NOT your problem; they are actually HIS problem; and taking what he does in the way of self destructing, personally into yourself, is not going to do anything but drive you into a nervous breakdown....and over something that has NOTHING to do with you, at all.

This type attitude is a learned one; it doesn't come natural; after all, you promise exclusivity when you marry; and the MLC'er breaks that exclusivity.    And that is upsetting intself.

There is a multi fold purpose for the EAs and PAs; and that is unique to each individual....right or wrong, they are on a search, a quest to find themselves...there is an unsettled, unsatisfied feeling within them; that they are trying to "fix" by fantasizing about other woman; or actually getting tangled up with other woman; all at the expense of themselves; because, honestly, THEY stand to lose everything; NOT the LBS. 
If the LBS walks away, files for a divorce; the MLC'er will have lost it all; and they won't realize that UNTIL they awaken to what they are done/have done.

There are consequences for each action one perpetrates; good or bad; it all comes back; and one does reap what they sow for a season; and it's a hard reaping, as the wages of sin are death; and this is NOT ONLY a physical death; but relational death, emotional death, a way of life death; death is NOT contained just to this physical world; there are spiritual deaths that are suffered, as well.

High price to pay for a short season of sin, that's for sure.

While I never advise people to turn a blind eye to affairs, as this is, but one, of the realities they see concerning their MLC spouse; I do advise them to learn to detach, and distance from the actions of the MLC spouse; there is nothing you can do to open his eyes, or even "help" him; or even make him see the light; so you must let him go to his own devices, commending him to the hands of the Lord to deal with....don't hold on, let go, so He can do His best work.

I don't condone the MLC affair(s); but I understand why and how they can happen...and how they can further get out of control to the point the MLC'er is entangled in a huge web of their own making...but remember, this is THEM...and the fault lies upon THEM, as they do these things to themselves.

Take care.