[LifeGoesOn]

There is loads of wisdom on this thread. It is nice to have it all in one place.

I believe this is the most important thing to keep in the forefront of our heads...Even if you sometimes feel unsure of the A, or especially when you feel unsure about the A:

I think MLCers get smothered w/ stupid phone calls and texts all day. That's why we are in charge of Dignity and Grace and OWs are in charge of needy and clinging and desperate and unstable. 

[Synicca]

I am going to try my best here to explain how I deal with the Ow sitch.


It really is all about your spirit and forgiveness.

I envision this...Your spirit is made up of a white light...we are created from God and this is the part that is
of God.

If your standing outside looking at your spirit. in translucent and glowing.
Everytime your hurt by something or someone, its like a stone is thrown "through" your spirit.
With every stone thrown at you, your spirit becomes full of holes...like "swiss cheese"

If you do not allow yourself to find forgiveness that hole remains there. and before you know it,
your spirit is left dark and unable to glow..Your spiritual self becomes damaged.

so everytime I have ever been hurt by "betrayal" or anything that puts a hole in my spirit. I
search inside of myself, ways to forgive the act. We are not here on this earth to judge other people.
That is God's job. We must remain as holy as we can be. This is what God wants for us.
If we start to hold onto the sadness of hurt then our spirits get further and further away from God.

The darkness takes over and we are left weak and unable to stand on our own.
This takes courage, because in order to find forgiveness, you must look inside yourself to
reach for it. It does not come from outside forces. It comes from within.

The act that is put against us, is there to teach us something. Its there to show us we need to see and look inside.

we can ignore what needs to be done, but in the end it only hurts us.
The person or persons that have done this act of disservice, WILL be judged by God.
I believe in Karma, 100%. I believe that when our spirits reach heaven, we are shown what we
have done, with everything that we have said to someone or done to someone.
its shown to us, we get to "feel" what they felt, we get to see that domino effect it caused..
This is ( I believe) our punishment.

Therefor, for me....I try to love unconditionally, treat people with dignity and respect. But I also
believe that that is also earned not handed to you.. I will respect and honor you, if you do the
same to me, If not..I walk away and never look back.

I know this may sound jumbled...I can see the words I want to write, but sometimes it doesn't
come out so well...Hope it makes sense!!
Hugs

[Mamma Bear]

  I get it totally. I feel like you do. Kinda like.. what would Jesus do? all the time.
  I bet a lot of us are like that here. I also bet the MLCers know this.
Probably works against us in that they kind of know underneath all that MLC Fog Tunnel Storm of Confusion that we are very forgiving.
   Since they are stray dogs we are letting run around the neighborhood they figure "I'll go back whenever make that if ever.   ..LBS is cool and chllin' over there."

[brokenhearted]

I have been reading this site with great interest. I know that the ow is supposed to be just a symptom of mlc, even if our partner claims to be really in love for the first time in their life!
I know how devastating it is to have someone you love tell you they don't love you but they do love someone else.
I agree it is hard to fathom how the om or ow can do this, breaking up a marriage and family. Do they ever feel guilt?
Or, in my case my partner and I were not married, though together for 15 years. In this case do you think the ow even cares that there was a commitment between me and my partner? Supposedly my partner passed on my message to her that I believed he was in depression and hoped she would step aside and give us time to work through this. This was right after bomb drop. Supposedly she told him he didn't seem depressed to her. And she has never backed off. Do you think it is because she doesn't see herself as a "home wrecker" since there was no marriage certificate? 
I don't know why  men and women don't honor each other by backing off relationships with another person's husband, wife or partner.

[Mamma Bear]

     I guess it's b/c the needy desperate lonely unhappy OW/OM doesn't care. They are so emotionally and spiritually stunted that they can't SEE IT. They just WANT what they WANT when they WANT it. Makes them feel superior. Makes them feel that they have control of something/someone.  We can not relate but they like the thrill and drama of all this insanity. Dysfunction junction is their MO. I guess......
     Their true colors will show in a matter of time and our Hs/Ws will see them for what they are. :oGod willing..

[Synicca]

broken,

in my case, I told the Ow that she needed to back off as well, that he was in a depression/crisis and that
it would end up distroying her family too..

My H told me that she cried the first time they "had sex" that she felt really bad. But refused to back off because
"she loved him" That to me shows NO remorse, NO morals. You cannot! I repeat.....CAN NOT have true guilt if you
CONTINUE to come in between a family AND ones with children involved.

It doesnt matter if your married or not, She knew your Partner was in a R with someone...that should be enough
to walk away.
just my .02

and I AGREE Mamma...exactly!!

[limitless]

A healthy person does not knowingly get involved with an attached man/woman.  (Married or Committed).

The OW woman cried when they had sex because she was emotionally blackmailing him.  And, it worked famously.  What a crock of sh*t!

The OP is usually so needy that she has no room to think of anyone else but what she/he wants. 

Your MLCer is in crisis.  He is a confused mess.  Unable to commit.  Unable to decide on anything.  Living moment to moment.  What healthy person wants a relationship with that?

They OP is nothing but a band aid.  It doesn't fix anything.

Limitless

[rememberer]

 I believe that 'falling in love' with someone is a choice. You know when it is starting, when you're crossing lines, when you're in the deep, but all along it is a choice, which you can stop anytime. Yeah, it's not always easy but you can 'shut it down' any time and walk away. The OP and our WS's are very selfish. They choose to cross that line for whatever reason.

I was contacted a few yrs back by an old boyfriend from high school. I'd only gone out with him max. 4 or 5 dates. I barely remembered who he was. He kept contacting me and contacting me til I finally communicated with him by email. I think he was definitely in MLC. After a little while of very innocent communication about what we'd done with our lives, our families etc, he started telling me he had always been in love with me. I thought-WTF- it's thirty yrs later, I hardly know you, and never really did, and I'm not 16 anymore nor or you. I shut him down right away. It was inappropriate and frankly weird. This just goes to show the bizarre thinking of someone in MLC, but also that it's a choice whether you're going to let that happen or not.

[Mamma Bear]

Talking about crying and sex my H sent me a letter a month after BD when he was still GONE. It made no sense. Said I was GREAT. Too good for him. It said they" got hit by a Tsunami and cried buckets and oceans over it."
   Cried over what?  Cheating? Why tell me this?     My H never cheated while we were together . He told me "I'm running away to cheat now"      I get mad when I think of her Crying oceans over my marriage being destroyed.  Oh well Water off a duck's back.     
  If they think they were crying then...just wait...I have a feeling they will be.

[Dontgiveup]

Rememberer

I have linked the article below that describes in-fatuation and in-love.  The MLCer does not have the ability to have a love based relationship in their emotional state that is MLC.....with the OM/OW or the spouse/ex spouse for that matter.

When you were contacted by the old boyfriend, you were not in MLC and thus able to make a rational decision.

Soon after bomb drop, my counselor told me something that I believe really helped me start coming to grips with MLC.  He was the first one to tell me not to engage my MLCer.  He told me I would not be able to use logic in an emotional arguement.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_understanding-infidelity_in-fatuation-versus-love.html