[Synicca]

Still Praying.....

I understand YOU 100%!! my H has NEVER shown remorse for anything....it has ALWAYS been someone elses fault.
but now through this MLC....for the first time EVER, he has shown remorse fo this and The PAST...
so dont give up on him just yet....He may start to show it someday!

There IS hope!!!

Hugs!

[Stillpraying]

Thanks Synicca,
Need those words of encouragement to not give up hope. 

It's so sad that all these MLC'ers can't see or feel the strength and love of the LBS and the families.  If they knew how much we cared and are willing to go thru, I'm sure they'd not be in a crisis and throw away something so deep and precious for something so cheap and shallow.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

How do you define "succeed"? If you mean live a life with, well, people live their lives with others in jail because they have no choice.... sometimes the MLCer won't come home because the LBS is not standing or forgiving by the time they wake up, which is typical.

I agree, but it isn't ALWAYS just the LBS that keeps the MLCer away; the MLCer could be too scared to come back because, no matter how much the LBS says that all can be forgiven, the MLCer just can't wrap his/her head around it and they stay away.  It really depends on if the MLCer can come to terms with and accept what he/she did and move past it; and/or deal with their FOO issues.

I'm sure a lot of MLCers don't go back to their spouse even though they desperately want to; some don't know HOW to get back; they are too stuck in their issues and guilt.

JMHO

[Dontgiveup]

Here's RCR's blog on this subject

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/page/19

[readytofixmyselffirst]

With the divorce rate for second marriages hovering at 67% which is higher than the first marriage. This is based upon 2006 Data. That includes marriages where one of the spouses has died.

In an affair, part of the excitement, is the cheating part. Just like shoplifting when we were younger, the excitement of getting away or being bad is part of the high.

However, once the high is over, and the relationship becomes just two-the high is gone. The reality begins to set in that this is not a prince or princess, but rather just another person with attractions and detractions just like your spouse. The may have some ideals that the previous spouse lacked but in the same vein, lack ideals that the previous spouse held.

Also, the affair is based on lies. It is people that are currently lying to others to cover their tracks. How can any relationship that is built upon lies last for long?

How long the affair lasts depends on the frequency of the contact. I think that once they start living with the ow/om, it begins to drift apart quickly. Reality really sucks at times. From RCR writings, the typical affair lasts about two years. Of course, the data is very hard to come by since most people do not talk in depth about their affairs.

My advice is not to worry about such data. Focus on you. Let them live/deal with om/ow and you can concentrate on your own personal change and movement forward.

((((Hugs))))

[LettingGo]

Just like shoplifting when we were younger

Ummmm.... are you bragging or just admitting, Ready? For the record, I never shoplifted! I cheated, but I never shoplifted, LOL!!

The short answer to your question StillPraying, about "taking your husband back while still involved in an EA" is.... there is NO short answer. Sorry. First of all, in MY case, I never "took my husband back"... he let himself in the front door every time whether I wanted him to or not. Second, he's not in his right mind. If this was a "normal" affair, it wouldn't be an issue... he wouldn't WANT to be back while still with OW.... MLC gives us a special set of circumstances that are SO messy and all over the place....that the MLCer very often cannot get rid of emotionally blackmailing OW even while he is desperate to be with his wife and family. It's like asking a man in a wheelchair to get up and walk.

Thirdly, since I'm at the point where my husband is desperate to be home, but filled with fear, and OW is emotionally blackmailing him, I enjoy throwing a wrench into her plans of stealing my husband away from his kids. I love my husband and I like sleeping with him. I like him to fix the garbage disposal and mow the lawn. He's still wierd and angry at the world, but that's only part of the time. The rest of the time, we are finding out how to have a better relationship, communication wise, than ever and the kids are glad to have finally have him here.

Fourthly, I believe it helps him gain strength to leave OW for good (now that he is ready) to be HOME, which is where his heart is. If they are infatuated with OW still, they will simply run all over you to get to her, so it's not working in your favor in the beginning to have him home.

I'll also mention, for what it's worth, my husband started trying to come home only about 3 months after BD.... it's been 16 months now that he's been with her. In the beginning, it was probably ALL to do with missing the kids, trying to do the "right thing" and guilt... but almost immediately after he moved in with her and her daughter, he wanted to be AWAY from her.... I was in no emotional position to set my hurt feelings aside at that time, and it caused him to stay with OW because he couldn't handle the pressure and occasional blow ups from me. That's just the truth. Now, I'm good with it all... I don't like it, but I bide my time while he sorts it out with the ho-tel maid.

[Stillpraying]

Thanks LG for your honest response. 

My H did leave early Feb 11 for a few days and then wanted to come back, I believe because of the kids.  He then left in early April 11 (I told him he needed to leave) and has been living alone since.  He says there was no affair with this OW but he was having an emotional affair with some one at work as he bought them $96 of flowers which I discovered on his CC statement.  (He did lie about it at first).  So, I don't know how long this affair has truely been going on for but everone says longer than the 2 and a half months since he left me and I dicovered it.  Definitely still infatuated with her though.

It's good to have an insight into what could possible transpire in future and be some what prepared on how to handle it or at least consider all options and responses before acting.

[LettingGo]

Forgot to point out.... not only is the MLC Affair built and based on lies and deceit, it's not long before they begin lying to EACH OTHER..... in my case (and many others) our spouses then CHEATED ON OW with US....and OW found out (by accident on purpose, hahaha!) and then all hell broke loose and it became the bizarre world of "How dare you cheat on me with your wife!! I don't trust you to be around her AT ALL and I forbid you to see your kids because you will probably sleep with her!"

And to that I said 

Then eventually it turns into the MLCer lying to OW so he doesn't have to see her... so he can be with his wife and family....

[Stillpraying]

Ha Ha.  Gotta laugh - quote - "How dare you cheat on me with your wife".  That is so funny.  Who knows what will happen in my case.  Right now I am still the 'hated one'.

[LettingGo]

You're laughing at that? It was TRUE for me, for Shantilly, and for a whole host of others here who may or may not admit it... I admit I did it with malice in my heart for OW, hehehe! Give it some time... ya never know!