[LoveMeMyself]

My vote is fog of MLC battle.  My reasoning is that my ex-wife's behavior in alignment with her core values changed drastically and suddenly with MLC.

I agree with this statement as well.  My ex H showed such extreme "opposite" behavior from what I know of his core values.  He has also stated that he truly doesn't understand "why" he did all that he has done.

[BonBon]

I think it is fog too.  I've spoken to my spouse about this and how he was so opposite prior to MLC and really, I can't believe that he was an imposter for all those good years.  I think there may have been elements of selfishness that I had ignored and as RCR and HB and others have said, the rose colored glasses come off the LBS and that is true but I don't believe the elements of the "bad" were to the severity that I saw during his MLC.

Thundarr, I just want to say if you don't mind, that I'm not sure going along with the teenage things will help and this is based on my own experience.  H wanted to go out more, so we did.  Then it became apparent that he actually did not want to go out with ME.  I tried doing new things, going new places, I even arranged a trip to Europe where he had never been.  This was a BIG deal.  Do you know what he said when we were there and I asked if he was excited to be in London?  He said "I never really wanted to come here". 

This is a man who loves to travel and explore so it wasn't as if this was something he wouldn't like to begin with.

And yet, if a co-worker asked him to go out for drinks, you would think he hit the lottery, he was so excited.  So you see, this is something she needs to work out on her own.  My advice, for what it's worth and there would be some who would disagree, is to maintain who you are.  If there are things you could do together that would be fun, go for it.  But if it means being a teenager again, I think it is wise to stay the mature one in all this.  My H wanted to go out and get drunk pure and simple.  He would never phrase it that way but that's what he wanted to do.  I didn't and don't want to do that so while I went out for a few drinks, I called it a night when I wanted to.  And really, it didn't matter because he wantd to be with other people, not me, anyway.  It's just another thing you have to ride out.

That's just my experience...not a hard and fast rule.  Hang in there.

[Thundarr]

My W and I were going out at least twice a week for most of the year, and having margaritas even more times a week than that.  I started to worry when she began to want to do less with the kids and more with just she and I.  We were like teenage lovers again and were living for the moment, or so I thought.  She jumped on the first train out of Thundarr-ville and has been barreling forth ever since.  Now she blows her check soon after getting it by going out with work friends or her lawyer friend and his W.  I worry about how much she's drinking, but she swears she goes weeks at a time without a margarita.  I don't believe her.

[trusting]

I can't believe that he was an imposter for all those good years.  I think there may have been elements of selfishness that I had ignored and as RCR and HB and others have said, the rose colored glasses come off the LBS and that is true but I don't believe the elements of the "bad" were to the severity that I saw during his MLC.

I agree with this statement.  I probably did have my H somewhat on a pedestal and looking back, particularly in the years leading up to the MLC, I can see shades of selfishness, etc.  but the man I knew is NOTHING like the MLC man and I don't think he could possibly lie or fake it for that many years, no matter what he said - he did tell me this "new" him was the real him. 

Like the others, I have seen his cores values change so much.  Let's hope they return to what they were before.

[BonBon]

Truer words Miss Trusting, truer words.  Hope.
I've heard the same thing..the "real" him.  Baloney.

Thundarr, I heard similar..."I only had two beers".  Lies. 

Let her do her thing....don't become a part of it, difficult as that is when you care and love so much I realize.

[ladybird]

My H is one of those that has been in Monster mode quite a bit since he left me in April.  Today he helped me when I was out of money at the gas station and it was like my old H showed up like the knight in shining armour...that he USED to be. The whole thing made me incredibly sad and left me longing for the man/husband I have lost.  The knowledge that my H has cheated on me-twice with the same woman-has been the one of the most painful betrayals of all.  The man I met and fell in love with 32 years ago, the man that wrote me a stack of love letters that measure 8 inches high when stacked by single sheet and who swore to me ever since we first met that he would NEVER EVER cheat on me, is NOT this man that I am dealing with now!  In many ways the man I am dealing with now is an enemy.  I hate to say that about him, but he does NOT have my welfare or best interests at heart.  I sometimes wonder if he would even bother to shed a tear if I died today.

I have a couple of friends who have dealt with mental illness with their ex husbands and both think my H is mentally ill from the things he says and does.  They have never met my H nor do these women know each other but both have come to the same conclusion about my H.  My therapist has met my H and since I started seeing her in January, she has told me on several occasions that it does not sound like my H is mentally well.  Also, my very good friend who has known my H for 10 years is shocked by his behavior and thinks that he is not mentally all there either.  As for my opinion on my H's mental state... I don't know because he often seems normal to me.  He often seems like the man I have known for 32 years.  But then, he goes off into Monster mode, rewrites our marriage, spends hundreds of dollars calling and texting his girlfriend while I don't have enough money for food, gas or utilities!  But the worst is that my H barely spends any time with our autistic son when not that long ago they used to be as close as two peas in a pod!  When I think of these things I start thinking that maybe everyone is right-my H is NOT well and very possibly mentally ill.

[BonBon]

Ladybird,
I'm sorry.  You're dealing with a very tough situation right now and I know that when you see snippets of the person he was, it makes it that much tougher to detach.
Hang in there and be good to yourself, ok?

Hugs,
Bon

[Angel61]

I do feel that it true they treat us that way to make us hate them. They want us to be the one to push them off that cliff, because they can't do it themselves.

My only worry is that the effect on my daughter. I told H that I want him to treat me wth respect no matter how he feels and what our situation is, because we did not want D12 to think that it is OK for men to disrespect women, and have low expectations for the men in her life. I have a friend who always falls for the wrong men because of this. It gets to be a self esteem problem for the child growing up this way.

[ladybird]

Ladybird,
I'm sorry.  You're dealing with a very tough situation right now and I know that when you see snippets of the person he was, it makes it that much tougher to detach.
Hang in there and be good to yourself, ok?

Hugs,
Bon

Thanks so much BonBon!  I appreciate your encouragement so much! 

I think I am having a really hard time with this because I met my H when I was 19.  He has been in my life for 32 years-actually it will be 32 years in December.  Today as he left to go back to work, my H turned into Monster and reminded me again that he is NOT coming back to me.  He likes to remind me of this and also likes to say: "I didn't leave you to come back to you".   It all hurts so much and is confusing because we have broken up several times throughout our history together but always got back together.  I should say he has broken up with me several times, I only broke up with him once which was after my mother died.  Right now I feel so lost because I'm not sure if I should stand and wait for him or just file the papers myself and get it over with so I can stop hurting.  Maybe being divorced is what I need to do to move on, I don't know.  A few days ago a friend suggested that I take my H's name and write it on a piece of paper and put it in a God box and turn the whole situation over to my Higher Power.  So I found a pretty antique tole painted box that I had tucked away, wrote my H's name on a piece a paper and put the paper in the box.  Letting go is the hardest part for me...

[kikki]

I am wondering if there is a MLC spectrum.  Affaircare - as you were able to 'see' your H relatively quickly (by MLC land standards), I'm wondering if there is a spectrum on which everyone sits?

My MLC H, as with so many who display such monstrous behaviours, might possibly be further along the spectrum??
Deeper in the fog?  Deeper in depression?
Depression is a mental illness. 

I too cannot believe this is my H just choosing to behave badly.  His core values are the complete opposite of those of the man that I knew for 23 years, that something huge is amiss.

Why the lack of conscience?
 
Some time ago I came across The Amen Clinics.  Through brain imaging they believe they have discovered 7 different types of anxiety and depression.
They do not specifically mention MLC, but as it is 'the mother of all depressions' I would be most intrigued if all of our spouses would agree to have their brains scanned.  Think it would be most fascinating to see the similarities, which might help explain the cookie cutter behaviours.  I bet they would all show similar changes in brain function with big changes in the pre-frontal cortex. 
My SIL is a MD and she has also recently read that scanning has shown the blood flow to be markedly reduced to the prefrontal cortex in depression. 
Lets not forget that teenage boys in particular do not fully develop the use of their prefrontal cortex until around 25yrs.  The reason that they may not think of consequences of their actions etc - Hmmm, who does this remind me of???

Here's a couple of links re Daniel Amens work and the clinics:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-amen-md/why-men-cheat_b_872564.html

http://www.amenclinics.com/clinics/getting-started/