[BonBon]

I took a walk at lunch and started thinking.  Certainly, we are all here becuase we have been treated poorly (at least) by our spouse.  Now I know that being married is not a pre-requisite for the MLC as single people have them too (or so I've read).

So since the consensus is that MLC is something these people HAVE to go through, is their ill treatment of their partners something they HAVE to do as well...or could that be avoided?

I guess my curiosity is whether they all have an underlying character flaw...perhaps selfishness, immaturity, narcissism, entitlement?  I'm not sure.  I know narcissim has been discussed here before...I just thought I'd throw this out and see what people think.

Prior to all this, I would not have attributed any of the above negative characteristics to my H but I certainly would now.  So did he have these negatives before and I didn't see them?  And therefore, it was sure to come out during MLC?  Or are these negatives just a part of MLC and the fog is so great, he could not have helped to treat me like dirt?

Thoughts?

[Rebel Yell]

I think I'm one of the few that doesn't really get treated badly. My wife
just isn't acting as a wife should IMO. I try not to take is personal.
She does seem to think the world owes her something though.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I think the bad treatment is part of the journey and yes we have these bad traits under our surface but you can't fault yourself for not seeing them in your H before the MLC got going.  Just remember, there is a reason they call it Monster.  It is like a werewolf, like a vampire, like Frankenstein's monster.  It used to be human.  You remember it from when it was human.  You can still see past fur and fangs and neck bolts where it used to be a human.  You're like the hero of the book or movie trying to warn people everywhere the pods have taken over but YOU then look like the crazy one.  Even Frank Vam Wolf would never admit he's treating you poorly, to him he's just giving you what he now thinks you deserve.  Bad behavior is in the eye of the tormentor.  Apparently the fog's very inviting, and warm, and comes with a conscience-dulling property, the likes of which we have no concept.  You H can't help it; I firmly believe he is not entirely under his own control now.

[Synicca]

for my own sitch

my H has always been a VERY selfish man...and thats putting it mildly..lol

but aside from the OW sitch and the "selfish" behaviour that comes with MLC. My H has not shown
me much of any Monster...maybe 3 times since BD a year ago.

Dont know if that helps.

[Tsunami]

An MLCer's actions can be cruel because their aim is for pain with the intention of hurting you so that you will hate them, lose hope and give them what they want

.

Bon, when I saw this thread I remembered saving this quote somewhere in the early days; finally found it.  RCR may have written it, or someone else; but I did remember it and had it saved in my personal documents, and felt it may be helpful to you too.

[Searching]

Hi Bon;
I think the quote Tsunami posted is correct.  My husband asked me during a phone conversation about him sending ow flowers and writing "Thanks for being you. I love you" on card if I  hated him.   That was all that concerned him.  I hope you are feeling better.

Searching

[Musica]

I think my H was always selfish, he is an only child and was given total freedom by his parents, never accountable. His parents are also selfish and their R was very poor, they did very little together watched TV in separate rooms, separate holidays ... but they stayed together? Very different to the long loving R my parents had, and which I expected to have, they were so happy together, just as me and H were for the first 10 years.
When me & H met in 1988, I gave all my attention to him and he enjoyed that, our problems started when our girls were born in 1998 ... he didn't like that they took most of my attention (twins) he wanted to continue to do the stuff we'd done before, but it wasn't possible. I wanted him to spend time with me & the girls but he wanted to be out on his motorbike. Then he told me I was neglecting him!!
Whilst I was his 'love' his selfishness didn't really register, because he was so involved with me and protected me I was too wrapped up in him to see it. But now, it is so obvious to me and my girls just how selfish he is, and MLC has made it so much worse. The man who has taken 2 holidays with OW says he can't afford to take his D's to eat out. He is so mean to them it breaks my heart.  He says they don't give him love but he should be the one giving, he's the grown up after all (well he used to be!)
So I think MLC has made his selfishness worse at the moment, but who knows, maybe when he comes out of it, he will realise this isn't the best way to be. My D's already tell him he's mean, and they're only 13 ... its like having 3 teenagers around the way they speak to each other. I just keep out of it and walk away, but I do feel sorry for my girls.

[Synicca]

lpxpe

Our children are smart kids arent they?? My d13 told my H that He scared her because he wasnt her daddy anymore and
nothing but a monster.

That hit home for him....he didnt treat her like crap after that. (thank goodness)

[Dontgiveup]

"An MLCer's actions can be cruel because their aim is for pain with the intention of hurting you so that you will hate them, lose hope and give them what they want"


The quote above is the last sentence in the article titled "Love & Hate".

[Silmarion]

BB,

You have set this thread up, just at the right moment....I had a pathetic altercation with my H yesterday (my fault for falling into the trap).  But afterwards I thought "so what if he is in MLC, is that an excuse to treat me like c**p?"   For that matter, what do I teach my d, if she sees a man speaking to a woman in this way (or vice versa).  So I was thinking hard about it.

First thoughts - H is controlling.  That's because he is really unconsciously so out of control.  He is selfish - narcissitic - because he is avoiding guilt and projecting elsewhere and I guess 'cos he is scared.   BUT....I can't do anything about it.  I know when I begin to feel like a doormat - it is when I choose to lie down.   

The quote from RCR's website is accurate.  Before I found this site, a comment I made to my H:  "It seems like you are doing everything you can so I will hate you so it is easier for you to deal with..."  then reading RCR's article it felt true.  To me, MLCer's are self abusers.  I don't mean this in a condemning way.  I mean in a sad way 'cos they are not in a place to see it.

Sil x