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Author Topic: Discussion Standing vs Moving On

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Discussion Re: Standing vs Moving On
#10: September 05, 2011, 06:16:07 AM
Love the thread....

I often wonder this same thing, when I went through PPD, it was when my H moved on that brought me closure
to waking up.

but, I think it would depend on the type of MLCer we have. My H would think "It was his fault" so "she should date"

I am a firm believer that this is what he would do. I am not sure he would all of sudden decide to come home.
He has to much guilt for that. but then again who knows!

When I signed up for the dating site, he was concerned that I was spending money on something so "pointless"
but he didnt beg me to stop. H knows that I am not ready or even willing to date another man.

But, I also said I would wait a year from the date him and OW met...well that date is fast approaching (sept 11th)
and I think he may be worried about that. (being in NY and all) LOL!!!
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H deceased 11/09/2015
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Married 16 yrs Together 25 yrs
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living with OW 12/10
OW moved out 03/11
H moved home 06/11
Affair ended 05/12 again and again and again
H Blocked xOW from contacting Him 10/12
Ended ALL contact with xOW Dec 26th 2012 (So I thought!) I filed for D June 10th 2013
Moved out.

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"Never, ever be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well being of a person is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way."

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#11: September 05, 2011, 06:18:51 AM
Hmm, Syn

Could that be a reason he's moving back now? 

Remember us all joking about that LBS dating site?  Maybe we should all start dating each other and drum up a few more success stories with our MLCers.  I think RCR said the ratio of men to women here was 1 to 4, so I MIGHT actually be able to get a date under those circumstances.  Maybe.  LOL!!
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Thundarr

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#12: September 05, 2011, 06:24:02 AM
Thundarr,
This woman blogs about how she basically had some sort of crisis and an EA (she does not admit to this but it is what appears to be the case) and then after divorcing her husband and leaving him and their children to shack up with her new man she has a lightbulb moment. Now, she states that it was science that brought them back together, but she also mentions that when she finally takes the step to get her H back, he has just embarked on a new R himself (she makes that sound very incidental, but I personally think it is something of a coincidence that the lightbulb goes off around the time her H is considering becoming serious with another woman (ie creating a new family for the husband and sons she abandoned). So it is anecdotal, yes, but I think you learn more from what she doesn't say than what she does tbh.

Also, if you read the return stories thread on the Community board, many of the stories include spouses realising "too late" i.e after the wife or h has found a new partner, that they have lost them.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201101/boomerang-the-short-story-divorce-reconciliation-and-remarriage

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#13: September 05, 2011, 06:24:35 AM
Thundarr,
I really dont know if that could be the reason....maybe it is and it pushed him to "think" about what he is doing?
I have no clue...but, at this point it means nothing until I see some action..lol
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Me 45
H deceased 11/09/2015
D17
Married 16 yrs Together 25 yrs
BD 09/10
living with OW 12/10
OW moved out 03/11
H moved home 06/11
Affair ended 05/12 again and again and again
H Blocked xOW from contacting Him 10/12
Ended ALL contact with xOW Dec 26th 2012 (So I thought!) I filed for D June 10th 2013
Moved out.

--
"Never, ever be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well being of a person is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way."

"What if you woke up today with only the things you Thanked God for yesterday?"

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#14: September 05, 2011, 06:28:49 AM
I came across this today:-

Change of scene has no effect upon unconscious conflicts.
--Edmund Bergler, M.D.

There's no running away from the internal strife. Whatever haunts us must finally be confronted and resolved if we're ever to grow and thus contribute to our world its due. When we keep secrets locked away, the secrets begin to keep us locked away as well.

It is folly, and yet entirely human, to think a new location, a new job, a new lover will cure whatever troubles us. The truth is, however, that whatever trips us up is at the same time trying to edge us forward to new awareness, and thus the next level of growth. Our troubles are tools for a strengthened foundation. Without them, we'd soon crumble.

When we consider the conflicts we encounter as opportunities for further development, they excite us rather than provoke anxiety. Changing our perspective can make the same scene appear quite new.


I think it seems relevant to this thread??

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#15: September 05, 2011, 06:32:22 AM
Here is the most recent post from "Sue," whose testimony I posted on my thread and on the Discussion about MLC bad behavior.  Her post from earlier this morning was very timely as she was the one I referenced as waking up WHEN she realized her H had found someone else.  She clarifies this a bit and adds a little more to it.  Again, copied and re-presented with permission:

"One of the turning points for me was knowing that he was interested in seeing someone else but that was one of the later incidents. When I came home to visit my grand kids were at my house, everything seemed right, more right than it had in a long time. I came home in winter to our house is in the mountains, it was the warmest winter day on record and with the sun shining in the gum trees everything looked so beautiful and so right. I already had feelings that my new relationship was not even close to being suitable and spending time with my man cemented all this. So it wasn't just that he was starting to see someone else. The lightning bolt took many forms as if someone knew I needed to be overloaded to see the truth.

Part of the MLC disorder does not allow us to be introspective. As far as I was concerned at the time I was making all the right choices in my life and part of me didn't understand why my man was trying to hold on to me. I did not see it as cake eating.

I have always loved my man but those feelings of 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' have a way of breaking onto the surface. I didn't see that he was waiting for me rather I saw that he was not getting on with his life. It's a subtle difference but an important one. I never went out of my way to hurt him and I never disregarded his feelings it's more like it wasn't relevant (even though of course it was).

I am in no way trying to excuse my behaviour but life witnin the MLC is very different and I felt differently about everything. My parents and my son all tried to reach out to me but I saw it more as trying to interfere than trying to help. We have no insight into ourselves at this time. We think we do but it a very warped version of reality. To the point where you ask yourself why aren't my friends and family ahppy with my new choices.

I hope this explains a little bit from inside the MLC mind. I know from some of the stories I have read on here that many people experiencing the MLC become cruel and heartless. At no time was it my intention to hurt anyone, even myself but the victim count becomes higher the longer the MLC continues.

Sue"

So, this advances our discussion a little more.  The thought of losing her H WAS a catalyst, but not the only one.  This brings up questions about whether there is a point in the MLC process that this tactic would be effective and if there was a point it could be disastrous.  Also, is the fact that her current R wasn't stable a factor?  And, lastly, was she coming out of the fog anyway and starting to see things?  I've posted questions to her for clarification and will bring them over once she has replied.

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Thundarr

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#16: September 05, 2011, 06:53:34 AM
I've been trying to read quickly and just want to weigh in briefly...hope brief is possible with me. ::)

First, I just emailed Rachel Clark--her Blog is Marry, Divorce Reconcile referenced in Reply # 12. I asked her if she'd like to comment--either directlyto me or by registering...so we will see.

There seems to be a confusion that this cannot be a part of Standing. Well that's not precisely true. It can be a tactic used if the Stander is not actually dating but it may appear so--it may simply be GAL that an MLCer sees and fills in the blanks on their own.

If you are truly dating, then yes, that's not Standing anymore--not my definition of it at least.
I sacred Sweetheart in the end though. I made sure to not be home a few times when he got home from swing shift. I was hanging out at Borders--can't do that anymore.

But for him it was just a tidbit fear I think, because he knew me. And yet he didn't see through it either, he was overtly curious, bugging me about who I was with and was it a guy. It was hilarious.
The thought of losing her husband WAS a catalyst, but not the only one.  This brings up questions about whether there is a point in the MLC process that this tactic would be effective and if there was a point it could be disastrous.  Also, is the fact that her current relationship wasn't stable a factor?  And, lastly, was she coming out of the fog anyway and starting to see things?  I've posted questions to her for clarification and will bring them over once she has replied.

But as Thundarr pointed out, it's merely one of the catalysts. An MLCer still has to go through the tunnel and be at a point where they are ready. If your Replayer sees you dating, this may be a great relief--they can either stop feeling guilt about their own infidelity or they can even blame you for being the one to cheat.


Also, is the fact that her current R wasn't stable a factor?
Relationships with an MLCer--so an MLCer's relationships are not stable--not while in the crisis. Sure, some MLCers marry the alienator and sometimes they last--ask my step mother's alienator. But in crisis those relationships are not stable; if they become stable it is because of the what they build once out of the crisis.
 
Was she coming out of the fog anyway and starting to see things?
I won't speak for her specifically, but in general, yes. That's why it was one of a few catalysts. Hey, some MLCers have come home prematurely and stayed after such a scare. But it's like coming home with a gun at your head and maybe things will be okay or even seem great for years...until the crisis repeats itself.

Editted for duplicate   [/color][/font][/size][/color]  removed from post
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« Last Edit: September 05, 2011, 07:40:42 AM by OldPilot »

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#17: September 05, 2011, 07:22:43 AM
IMO it is possible to move forward and on without our MLC without dating. I think the MLCer can 'feel' the distance increasing and that our lives are becoming happier and more content as time moves on. Two weeks ago when I told my H I could no longer stay in our home and it would be sold he looked absolutely crestfallen. It is possibly the last tie between us as a married couple. When he comes today the for sale sign is up. Another blow. This isn't to catch him but is athe reality of his bad decisions.

Remember we have a journey as well and that must be completed otherwise we make the same mistakes all over again in any new relationship we might have.

I have a friend whose H went into MLC. He was deep in replay and she was distraught. We spoke at huge length about the process and our journey. Bang on the first anniversary of BD she met someone else and fell head over heels.

Sadly I watch this relationship 18 months in and she is making all the same mistakes she made with her marriage. All the things that are happening are the things she said had gone for good. She abandoned her journey and fell in love.

Wonder what the future holds for them.

Meanwhile her H remains in replay and not moving forward at all.

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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#18: September 05, 2011, 07:35:51 AM
"OK, despite all the great advice on this website, which I think is very helpful in getting us past BD and clearly works in some situations, I have read numerous accounts and articles (including many anecdotal and personal testimonies on this site) which suggest that for some MLCers the only thing that makes them "wake-up" and regret their decision, is when the LBS actually finds herself in a happy new relationship and doesn't even want the original marriage back anymore."


Is a new relationship for the LBS what makes them "wake up", or did they just simply make their way through the MLC process?  It would seem to be the latter.

And if the LBS has actually moved on, they would not be a Stander......so the information on this website would not be applicable to them from that vantage point.

Also, I'm not sure it's a wise choice if an LBS is actually dating someone, and using that to try to manipulate the MLCer.

MLC Takes Time.  And the MLC process must be gone through.
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Re: Standing vs Moving On
#19: September 05, 2011, 08:49:57 AM
DGU:
Quote
Also, I'm not sure it's a wise choice if an LBS is actually dating someone, and using that to try to manipulate the MLCer

I agree which is why I clarified my point when I wrote the following in my second post

Quote
I do not think that it would be right for anyone to "use" a completely unsuspecting stranger to accomplish the reunification of a marriage
.

DGU:
Quote
And if the LBS has actually moved on, they would not be a Stander......so the information on this website would not be applicable to them from that vantage point.

Again, I understand that having a relationship ends a stand, that was sort of my point with the whole catch 22 thing - the new R presupposes the LBS moving on, so if my hypothesis (that some MLCers don't "see the light"

Quote
I know that that is not the purpose of this forum, this forum wants to see marriages saved (as do I!) but I wonder if RCR needs a "sister site" for people who feel that standing has ended, that they wish to continue to work on themselves, they want to maintain a reasonable R with the old spouse especially if children are involved and still require dealing with MLCer help for that,  but are venturing back into the world of relationships...


My question was really about whether we give a sort of false hope to certain LBS's when we say that MLCer wake up eventually - everyone thinks: "That will be my H/W then" because we deeply want it to be.
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