[ladybird]

Like everyone here I have wondered what it will take to shake up and wake up my H.  More and more I do think it will be when I completely move on: when I am out of this house, moved to another state or city, lost all the weight I want to lose and when I've met someone else or at least dating.   Only then do I think my H will sit up and take notice.  BUT-given how he treats me and how Monsterish he is to me so much of the time, I also think that he will never ever change his mind.  He is completely and totally convinced that I am his problem and only problem.

This past Saturday, my S and I walked the beach at sunset that my H, S, myself and our sweet dog that passed away a couple of years ago used to go to regularly.  I felt brave as I walked in the breathtaking beauty of the near deserted beach as the blue sky turned shades of pink and orange.  But at the same time I felt sad knowing that my S and I have lost two beings we loved with all our hearts-my H and our dog.  Both my H and our dog are ghosts to us now, even though my H is still in our lives though but a shadow of his former self.  As my S and I walked the beach, I started to feel a small flame of strength and renewal.   I have been listening to Louise L. Hay quite a bit lately and I know that only I can make my dreams come true with the help of God/Higher Power.  Somewhere deep inside my head and heart I know that I can have a wonderful life without my H in it and I want to hang on to this belief with all my might because I know that it will ultimately save me.  I have been alone like this before when my mom died almost 30 years ago.  Back then I came to this same belief of having a wonderful life as a way to honor my mother and from it I gained huge amounts of strength.  I realize now that somewhere along the line in my M to my H I lost that belief in myself which is why my H's MLC brought me to my knees.  It is very healing to find myself starting to believe in myself again now.  Deep down I know that I will ok and that my life can be all that I want it to be-no matter what happens with my H.  So while I still want my H in my life, I do not want the Monster/stranger he has become.  I want the H I fell in love with years ago.  But I don't know if he will ever find his way back to the man he was.  Slowly but surely, I am finding peace and beginning to accept my new life.  As everyone here says, I am truly on a journey.

[Freddygone]

Wow Thundarr,
instead of Lawyer read architect and you are my clone. Is that possible?
Very surprised that my wife puts the ahole before my daughters, but I have seen it. It's not natural.

[Anjae]

Very interesting discussion.

Since OW I been having an on and off that become a vanisher. He left almost 5 years ago. Like Moving Forward I'be had a summer fling. It was nice but.

Since MLC is a journey, both for us and our MLCer, does it comes to a point when we have healed and are ready to move on? Even if the MLCer is not? Because I'm getting to that point.

It starts to long make sense to keep waiting. I'm healed, I'm happy, I would like companioship and a relashionship. I do not know when, or if, my husband will come out of his MLC. So, should I keep looking after myself and move on or keep waiting for something that one does know how it will turn out?

Somehow, lately, the possibility of rebuilding my marriage is making less and less sense...

[Dontgiveup]

"Like everyone here I have wondered what it will take to shake up and wake up my H."

I am not one who believes that an MLCer can necessarily "shake up and wake up" from MLC.  I think the line below from earlier in this thread from RCR is good insight.

An MLCer still has to go through the tunnel and be at a point where they are ready.

"More and more I do think it will be when I completely move on: when I am out of this house, moved to another state or city, lost all the weight I want to lose and when I've met someone else or at least dating.   Only then do I think my H will sit up and take notice."

If you (or any LBS) has moved on, what does it matter if the MLCer takes notice?  And how will you know that they took notice because you moved on and not simply because they completed their crisis?

"I also think that he will never ever change his mind."

You can look on many (many) different threads on this forum and see this commonality among the LBS.

From RCR's article Stories and Human Behavior

If you are the typical LBS, after a while you believe your marriage will not survive, often because your MLCer is just one of those stubborn ones who once he makes a decision, he won't change it. Really? Like your MLCer isn't now changing his decision to be married to you?

I think the main reason that LBS think that their MLC is one who won't complete their crisis is because of the reality of MLC Takes Time.  On a different website, one of the contributors who went through MLC himself says "MLC is not a short term issue".
 

[Anjae]

Dontgiveup, I think my H will most likely end up changing his mind and may come out of the MCL. And it may not be because I've move on. But yes, it takes time. Too much time. Without a deadline.

When I look back and see 5 nearly five years behind me and have no ideia how many more there will be... Like I posted below, more and more it makes no sense to me to be wainting for his MLC to be over. I've changed a lot, I have not see him since May 2008. He  become a vague memory. 

RCL is right when she says that many times the MCLer will be back just to find out the LBS has moved on. But, if we, ourselves, have changed, move forward and starting to think we may no longer want the marriage back, should we still be waiting? For what in that case?...

I now I may be sounding harsh or unkind but, like the MLCer the LBS also changes its mind. And starts to see things in a new light.

[Dontgiveup]

"should we still be waiting? For what in that case?"

These are questions only you can answer......and my post was not meant to answer them for anyone.  It was simply a reminder that it's common for the LBS to think that their MLC will be one to not make it through MLC.

[Anjae]

Yes, I know I'm the only one that can answer that question. 

I know some men that went through MLC and come out of it. In several of the cases the wifes had divorced, remarried, had children with second husband. The wifes remained happy with the second marriage, their MLCer went through a period of a few relashionships, then time on their own, then trying to find someone to spend their life with.

One of them has often told me he had done the worst mistake of his life when he left his first wife and married OW. He stayed married to OW for two years and, for what he told me, it was hell. His first wife moved on and is still married to her second husband.

What I've seen from people I know is that the MLCer always comes back too late, after the LBS has already moved on.

[Dontgiveup]

"What I've seen from people I know is that the MLCer always comes back too late, after the LBS has already moved on."

Yep, that seems to be most common.

[OldPilot]

"What I've seen from people I know is that the MLCer always comes back too late, after the LBS has already moved on."

Yep, that seems to be most common.

So DGU do you think that  one thing has anything to do with the other?

[Dontgiveup]

Not necessarily as a direct correlation.  There are a few LBS who may have already started dating in the first year or two after bomb drop, but we don't see those MLCers rushing back because of that.

My guess is it's a normal thing for an LBS to want a companion/relationship after "x" amount of years.....and at some point, nearly all MLCers make it through their crisis.