[Anjae]

LG, we mut really be married to the same man!

We have no kids and I have not see him since May 2008. The only talks we've had were about taxes or the death of relatives and pets. All the things he have told me, excepto the "I don't give a damn about her", were all during OW1. That sentence about OW2 was in the middle of a talk regarding taxes and legal stuff (he has o give me money but of course he does not). That talk was very, very weird. He started by sounding happy to ear my voice, something he hadn't heard in years, moved to say he knew I wanted to be happy (hello, I'm happy), passed to monster, crying, nice, defensive, monters, half-crying, hanging the phone in my face.

We have mutual FB friends and my SIL is on my FB. The really, really strange stuff? People have often told me OW2 resembles me. She does a bit, specially the hair. But was is really creepy is her female cat. Her cat looks just like my cat (the pet that died Feb 010). She already had her act before the death of mine but when mine died she moved her cat to their flat. How do I know? Well SIL FB. I found that crazy! Husband has the same cat even if it not the same cat!

My husband lives in a very nice flat with OW2 I've had to move back with my family. He is living the high life, the party life. Never, ever stops. But judging for his state in that phone call and photos I've seen is happiness is, to say the least, a bit strange. Not sure when will this crazyness end or how. 5 years down the line and he is still in la-la-la land.

[Synicca]

Kikki,

I believe your H was telling you the truth!! Sometimes they do that! LOL!!!

[kikki]

AJ - 5 years down the line and he's still in la-la land - good grief - that is such a long time .....

Syn - do you think they do sometimes tell the truth?  wouldn't that be nice 

[Synicca]

Kikki,

actually I do....moments of clarity..even though they cant hold onto it very long.

[LettingGo]

Kikki, I am also apparently married to your husband as well, LOL!

My H let it slip a few weeks ago 'don't feel abandoned, I'm always more here with you than anywhere else' (Huh? I didn't ask for clarification!)

Heard it!! And I'll tell you what..... it IS the TRUTH!! The problem is we are not moving in Sync with our spouses.... they are so F'd up that no one can... but in their minds, they are still our spouses, if enough time has passed... or maybe not spouses, but eternal somethings, hahaha!!

To AnneJ and to Kikki, I confess I don't know either of your stories, so my next bit of unsolicited advice should be taken or left as needed.... I really feel both of your husbands would benefit from some allowed contact by you, other than strictly business... I get the feeling they are both open, whether there is OW or not..... I have no idea if you are friendly or mainly aloof and avoiding contact with them, and I don't suggest pursuing at all... just that they are trying to give you hints that they know where they belong if only they could find their way back home one day.... like I said, take it or leave it.

[Anjae]

Yes, kikki, 5 years in la-la-la land! And I have no idea when la-la-la land will go away…

I agree with synicca, sometimes they tell the truth. During OW1, when my husband was a clinging boomerang/boomerang, I could tell when he was lying, believing what he was saying, and telling the truth. The "if I stop I'll have to think about what I've done".... is true.
 
LG, I’m gonna tell you a bit of this long, long story and ask what you think of it. In theory I agree that he may benefit of some contact other than business. First I must say that since OW2 I’m neither friendly nor unfriendly. I only, and very rarely, talk business with him. I’m not avoiding contact I’m not contact. I had enough of contact during OW1. It was insane.

Now, to the story. Husband come up with we should got divorced because things are not working in September 06. Moved out mid Oct 06. I was suspicious that there was OW, asked him, he denied, I knew he was lying. He went and live with a younger, single male acquaintance. I received an anonymous phone call telling me about husband and OW1. The usual followed. I knew nothing about MLC except the 20 years old blonde and red Ferrari cliché.

Husband had been strange for months before he left. Sometimes very nice, buying me nice clothes and other things, sometimes totally enraged, accusing me of not being good enough. This odd behaviour remained after he left, minus the buying me things. He need to leave because he wanted a new life. He took the money from our bank accounts, stop giving me money and paying house expenses.

I could no longer afford things on my own, was offered a job (short lived) back in our home town. Looking back it may have been stupid to take it. Husband made a huge scene because I was leaving. 6 months after I left he starts working in the local branch of the company I was working for. For work reasons we needed to keep in touch every work day. My branch closed. No more need of daily contact. OW1 was gone Feb08. When I and husband were still working in the same company he restarted buying me small things.

OW2 and no more working for the same company and soon I receive a court letter. He had filled for fault divorce against me. He has no grounds for fault divorce. 9 months after the case was filled (courts are very slow in our country). He filled again for fault divorce against me, alleging the same stuff as first time, late March. Case will be again closed, he will be fiend for the court. We will stay married and another large amount of money will had been spent.

Since we no longer worked together contact between us diminished. When first court process started I stopped contacting him. Since I only contact him for busyness or a family death. He had contacted me twice, thanking for my condolences when his grandmother passed away and to tell me my cat was dying (she stayed with him because of our other cat). Contacts were always text, e-mail or gmail chat. The only thing that could be taken has he is really not vanishing was the fact that, even if I was there, he keep his gmail chat on available mode. That changed a few weeks ago. I had, again, to remind him he needs to make my money payment. I did so by e-mail and, a couple of days latter asked him, on gmail chat “So, what do you have to tell me’”. He closed the chat and never again appeared available.

Yes, even with the lawsuits running, for all those 3 years he had been with his gmail chat available, I could had engaged in conversations with him about subjects we both like. But lawsuits where/are running. And it would made no sense to be talking to him in the middle of a legal battle. Plus, I’ve always talked to him, even went out with to social event while I was still in the other city, during OW1. It made no difference.

Or it made, he was always cake eating, and I was a wreck. No I’m not a wreck, he does not cake eats, we have no kind of contact except business, and the second lawsuit is still running.

Ah! A real strange thing, in the few times I talked to him about business he is alwaya scared, saying “I think the lawyers should do this”, like he fears his lawyer or something. My lawyer says that if we manage to solve our issues outside of court, all the better. And that couple stuff should still be talked between us.

This got way long.  Looking forward to heard your opinion, LG.

[Anjae]

LG, Forgot to add, during that crazy conversation about taxes and money, when husband was spewing venonm he said “money is much important for you than I am” me “Uhh… do you wanna be back?” husband “Marrying you was the worst mistake of my life”, me “one more reason to this (divorce) quick and painless, no need of courts”, husband (insane tone of voice, half crying half mad man laughing) “I will never go back, never, never…” phone hanged on my face.

When this talk took place he already had filled for the second lawsuit but I had not yeat received the court letter. He did not told me a word about the lawsuit. Mine divorce mentioning was connected with previous lawsuit and the fact that, since, we had not been able to sort a single thing out. He just drags, and drags, and drags or files for fault divorce without grounds (another way of dragging).

[kikki]

LG - Thanks for your thoughts.  I love reading your thread.  It's one wild ride 

My BD was also Feb 2010.  H moved out June 2010 into OW's place (a shoebox).  Since Feb this year he has his own place and I think she is there more often than not. Nothing has changed in our financial situation (although of course he's added huge extra financial burden with his place) - everything is still tied in together.

We have three teenage boys.  They refuse to have anything to do with OW and haven't met her.  H is in contact with me nearly every day.  Either phones, emails, txts or calls by.

I no longer invite him here for meals, as that seemed way too cake-eaty, but I am polite, friendly (but distracted more than I would have been before.)
I do not pursue (although sure did in the beginning 
He knows I'm here.  He threatens legal action if I announce that I am going to extract myself in any way from him.  As soon as I ease off, the threats stop. 

I agree LG, the messages from him have been so mixed and he does drop hints that he knows where he should be - but he is oh so LOST.
I'll take your advice, thanks 

[kikki]

Thought I'd remind us all about the LIGHTHOUSE.  Think it can remind us that what we think is an EA is actually something more like desperation - clinging onto the first log you can find when you're drowning ........  that's not TRUE LOVE, that's DYSFUNCTION

The Lighthouse:

They're in huge conflict.  Totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now.  Empty and lonely relationship no matter how good the 'rush'.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now, despite the need to go back and back again and again to prove themselves right or wrong is strong. 

Their actions towards you, your children, the OW/OM and themselves, keep them from engaging in any real interaction with any real depth and truth. 

It is a misguided attempt to fill their void that has appeared in their life.  They are lost to themselves.  They are very lonely and sad.  Remove yourself from the chaos - do not participate or add to it.  Stand for clarity and reason.

(Yeah, but how many years does it take for them to see the LIGHT?) 

[Synicca]

I thought I would share this little tid bit....on how messed up OW's are.

back in 05 during mine and my H's D...when he moved his OW in our home...she was married by the way...her husband filed
for divorce, and he told the OW that she could have her half of the furniture, IF she WOULD GIVE HIM FULL COSTODY
of their daughter......SHE AGREED!!! 

so there you go....THATS how completely a udderly f*cked up they are!!