[stayed]

I did em all too Mermaid, accept stripping naked and threatening to jump out a window on the 10th. floor.  You win....hehehe.


hugs Stayed...

[missybuddha]

oh SO many mistakes in the last few months,  but thank goodness, not weeping/begging. He knows (I told him this ) that if he wanted to go I wouldn't stop him. He's living with us at home but is on a withdrawl cycle again (sleeping on the sofa) THIS time I'm not suggesting /nagging that he come up to bed I just leave him to it.(and imagine he's a distant lodger) If he gets grumpy I walk away. I instigate no R talk, I have lowered my expectations to 0 (well not quite 0 but getting there) I'm learning to not absorb his monster spewing/projecting. I'm developing my independance WITh him here (easier when he was away) I feel much stronger than a few months ago (I got a life) .I spied initially but that didn't help, it just muddies things , and if they are having a PA/EA there is NOTHIng that you can do and they will defend their friend. So i'm learning to distance myself and still be here, I don't instigate any physical contact, I'm trying to not "nurture/mother" but become a more balanced part of the marriage.  and I will not say I love him anymore, not until I feel it is safe to do so, but of course I do love him.

[stayed]

Wow, mb, I am impressed.... well done!

hugs Stayed...

[hyperglad]

Of Course I went to OW house twice... but first time she baited me on FB telling me to get a life...so I went for a life hers ha ha not recommended but it did make me feel better when she locked herself in he he

[kikki]

Hyper - that is so funny!  The classic thing NOT to do - and you had the guts to do it ....... 

OW was obviously desperate for me to do that and cause a scene - my H told me on a few occasions that she was scared that I would do something like that! She talked about it frequently ......
Meaning - she would do something like that - and so she probably will get to do something like that in the future

Stayed - thanks so much for your response to my question about how you Let your H go. 
Much to think about
 

[baysw]

Big Mistake..I snooped and looked at his email, got really hurt and told him. He now says he is filing for divorce. And this is after I'm one year into this. I should have had more control...now I have regrets and have probably lost him forever. This just happened yesterday.

 Newbies...Don't do what I did.

I made much bigger mistakes than you. 1 month after BD (March), I confronted both my h & co-worker OW1 at their dinner date at her house against all my friends' advice. OW1 was too ashamed to continue the relationship with my h and ended it. H asked for divorce the 2nd day, and then told me he didn't want D about 2 weeks later. 3 month after BD (May), I accidently found out that OW2 was spending the night at h's apartment, again I couldn't control may rage and confronted both of them (ow2 was half naked, I am still disgusted and scared to this day). H really wanted D this time, and pressured me for a few weeks. I told him that I didn't want to discuss it until I was more emotionally stable and went very very dark. Sep is the time which I told him that I would discuss D with him, he has not come to me yet. Not sure if he has changed his mind about D or is avoiding conflicts.

Your occasional mistake probably doesn't make any difference in his journey, so don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we can't do the right thing (even though we know what's the right thing to do) until we make the mistake and learn our lesson.

[Mermaid]

I also confronted OW, and told her exactly what I thought of her, when she was having a cozy dinner with H, alone, at my daughter's apartment.  She tried to leave, saying "I don't deserve this", but I chased her down a corridor as she tried to escape, saying "Don't deserve it? Ha! I haven't even started yet"

When H tried to intervene, I told him I'd speak to him when he grew up. And I told him later to pack his bags and leave-

It felt good at the time, but didn't help. OW used some of my comments as a way of flattering herself and H (I'd said she was too awful to have friends her own age). She told H that men her own age (26) were just so immature, so she felt so much happier in his company. She also said that she didn't trust me at all, as I was capable of anything.

H said he thought I was always so  unreasonably aggressive to OW. Yeah. I should invite her to be a guest speaker at a dinner for LBS in Portugal, and see what happens...

In short, it was temporarily cathartic, but in the long term, didn't help me, H or our M.

Newbies... another one to avoid.

[baysw]

In short, it was temporarily cathartic, but in the long term, didn't help me, H or our M.

Newbies... another one to avoid.

So True! I felt good to relese my anger at the time (that was my excuse to do it), but in the long term, didn't help me, H or our M (as Mermaid put it), and I am permanently scared by the picture of half naked ow2 in my head.

Don't confront.

[baysw]

When I confronted half naked ow2 in h's apartment, she had no shame at all. She extended her hand to me and said "it was nice meeting you". Also said "he is not with you anymore", and feel very justified to sleep with a married man. I felt like wathcing a soap opera. After that incident, I finally figured out that what's happening is totally out of my controrl, and I was able to let go and slowly detach.

[Buggy31]

What an OUTSTANDING idea Hyperglad.... we should STICKY this thread, keep it going. 

I did absolutely everything all of you have said, NOT TO DO, hehehe!  The reasoning is hopeless and pointless, not only do they think it is controlling but they actually twist it around and use it against you, later.    Omg, making statements and hoping my h would denounce them as silliness on my part, as in, "of course I want to be here with you.... " I was really slow, learning that one.

Biggest mistake of all!  NOT LETTING GO!  I know it's hard but honestly... the longer and harder you hold on... the LONGER they remain in MLC.  I think it actually REASSURES them, take as long as you need darling, I am here, waiting for you.  BAD!  BAD!  BAD! 

I think we are as RELUCTANT to truly look within, as our MLC'er is.  I am convinced if we spent half as much time trying to figure out why we can't let go, as we do trying to figure out how we can get them back, MOST OF US, would be out of this and on our way to happiness.  The way I look at it people, what is there to be AFRAID OF?  Are you enjoying your lives the way they are now?  I expect not.  You know what your life is like now, you know that if you CONTINUE TO do what you are doing, it will SIMPLY be more of the same.   How can doing what you know you must, be more frightening then living the way you are now, INDEFINITELY?

hugs Stayed

STAYED is giving good advice here...everyone...and I do agree that paving the way is important but I think in certain situations the FEAR of not paving the way may hold and LBS back.  STAYED has articulated very well the things I have observed in my journey...for the longest time I was FAKING let him go but you come to a point on the journey...and for everyone it is different...where the FAKING stops and you really let go.....where you just see of very very very messed up they are and how VERY VERY VERY VERY far you must get away from them.  I feel this strongly in my case ....STAY VERY FAR AWAY....and you can do this amazingly even if you have contact and kids but it takes a lot of mental strength and confidence which developes over time...but the sooner the LBS can let go the better....and I don't know why I just know it's what I've seen too...and you really have nothing to lose cuz the MLCer is faaaaaaaaaaaaaar gone anyway and for the LBSs sake and for the families sake and for financial sake someone must move forward...someone must let go...it takes GUTS to let go .....it reallly does....and I think some can even do this while living with the MLCer...I couldn't but maybe some could like SL...but letting go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with distance or contact...although NC helped me detach at certain points...anyway...I"m rambling but pay attention to stayed's words here....