[angelgirl]

ANNEJ, my H said he thought I didn't love him either. I relive those few months that he was having the affair (I found out the time line later of course) and can't figure out why he would say that. It was told to him, and I was available to him. However, there were places he wanted to go, and he hated his job and wanted to escape often. Unfortunately, I have two kids to take care of. I couldn't drop everything and go on each of his trips. There were one or two i could have tried, but my parents are very old and i would have to impose on them. But none of that matters other than to say for some reason, my not "running away with him" when HE wanted, he interpreted as me not loving him, even though I showed him that I loved him in other ways. He saw what he saw, and heard what he heard. Today, I am more conscious of that need he has, but I still have to balance that with the needs of my children.

When my D17 was a toddler, she kicked the piano when I was playing it. I stopped and said, "why did you do that?" She replied, "because when you do that, you don't love me." Such is my H in MLC-the toddler (other times he's a teenager).

Why didn't OW see that? She was a psychology major too, you'd think she'd pick that up. Instead she pushed him, telling him I only thought of myself, or that I purposely set up the kids to need me so I wouldn't have to spend time with him. She set her sights on him and created a path. She was convinced she had him too. However there were times she accused him of "still loving me" and being a "cheater", and she couldn't trust him when he visited us,  so why hitch herself to his wagon?  if she had any doubts about my H, why rely on him? i wouldn't. I guess she saw what she wanted to see. She wanted someone to rely on when she got her divorce so she ignored any misgivings.

anglegirl

[crazyforhim]

Angelgirl...that has been my question. Why doesn't OW see what we see, cause H can't be mr. wonderful 100% of the time. It's not possible and when OW sees how they are with us- I think I would run in the other direction.
Always will boggle my mind!

Question: Any good tips on how to get back up when you fall off the wagon

[LettingGo]

ANNEJ, my H said he thought I didn't love him either.

I heard this as well... Angelgirl has explained all of this beautifully... nothing you could have done as they were in a full blown pity party. OW see what she wants to see... she is NEEDY and insecure, but comes across as "confident" which attracts men like magnets.... MLC men are especially attracted to "confident, but needing a hero as she has pulled herself up by the bootstraps (or out of an abusive relationship, whatever BS they say...) and they ADMIRE that quality...

NOW, my husband is pissed at OW for lying to him over and over... little things.... but one MAJOR thing (as far as I'm concerned) is he discovered she lied about how much money she makes as a head hotel maid..... I'll never forget the SMUG look on his monster face when he told me "She makes $16 an hour!" I guess to hurt me because I "don't work".... oh, but.... she's a bad, selfish mother, won't cook.... not attractive.... he told me she's "UGLY INSIDE!!".

OW sees that the MLCer has whatever they need....unlimited DRAMA time.... SCHMOOPIE drama.... drama of an evil wife that she can SAVE him from, etc. OW is a narcissist.... if not forever, at the time they met and carried on the affair.... both of them TOTALLY and UTTERLY SELFISH!! Once NEITHER one of them are getting their selfish needs met, they fight! TWO SELFISH PEOPLE cannot even be in the same room together....

[crazyforhim]

LG...so why doesn't H see through the OW? They don't know they are being manipulated, controlled, used?
Especially since my H NEVER was to be told what to do by ANYONE.

And my MIL is convinced that he has his own mind and that he is NOT being controlled. She thinks HE is in control of that relationship....is this possible. My MIL sees them together very often so I tend to believe her and then my mind goes all crazy and up and down. Maybe I shouldn't talk to my MIL about H and OW....probably best!!!

But MIL and I are close and she wants me and H back together so she keeps an eye out for me- so to speak.

[Dontgiveup]

From RCR's article In-fatuation vs In-love

"The hormonal flows in both the alienator and MLCer interfere with rational judgment and appropriate behaviour. This is not an excuse, merely an explanation."

[LettingGo]

..so why doesn't H see through the OW?

At first, she is just a mirror to his narcissism.... and a distraction!! The infatuation covers up a lot of truths.... even in a good relationship! We all remember what it was like in the beginning... we didn't notice the holes in his underwear!

He sees through her NOW.... now that he's caught her in a bunch of lies... now that he wonders if she is manipulating him (the MLCer believes EVERYONE is manipulating him, EXCEPT OW at first..... ), now that sh

We are in the box of memories on a shelf, while he struggles to MAKE IT WORK with OW.... eventually he will feel contempt for her...because she will fail him. She will FAIL him because SHE is a mess, a liar... a cheat... a doormat.... but she will ALSO fail him because she can no longer pretend... she has to let down her guard... like anyone does once you feel your lover LOVES you... they should love you even if you just farted in bed, right? Ummmm.... NO!! The alienator is supposed to be a FANTASY!! Farting in bed is not allowed!! Only the WIFE may fart in bed...

Your MIL might want the two of you back together... (so does mine!) but she knows NOTHING about MLC, regardless of what you may have told her... she thinks you're nuts, but keeps it to herself... UNLESS, she has been through this herself. She would tell you if she had.... Glad she's on your side!! But, she has NO IDEA what she is seeing in her own son... My MIL remarked about how cranky and crabby her son was on our vacay.... as if I hadn't already clued her in a hundred times!! But MLC is not believed my most people... they can't imagine it...

Give it time. I told my MIL to "please pray for him and try not to judge him..." She is Catholic, and I knew that prayer would be her "go to" fix.... asking her to not judge was a heads up on the affair that she knew, that I knew, that he didn't think she knew about....

[crazyforhim]

Thanks you so much LG
so if H sees through all her crap then it is only a matter of time right?
I'm over 2 years into this so seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I guess from the outside looking in, it looks like they are moving forward in their R (like getting more serious- he is introducing her to more family members, moving into a bigger house, having the kids more often so I do get a little crazy about this)

[Dontgiveup]

This article is excellent regarding the relationship with OW.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_dealing-with-infidelity_woman-scorned2.html

[crazyforhim]

The stronger you are in the face of a full-blown public affair, the weaker she will be, the more controlling she will become and the more she will pressure him. Let her invade his space, let her become jealous and controlling, let her become pathetic, and best of all let her bad-mouth you to him. This will eventually put him in a position where he feels the need to defend you which will frighten the alienator even more and she will sink lower into her destructive behaviours. You do not need to do anything toward them actively for this to happen. It occurs naturally when there is an empowered and Standing spouse who refuses to play dirty.

Can someone clarify......if I just stand back and watch their R from afar and do nothing or say nothing to cause conflict with H and I how does that make OW jealous- wouldn't she be happier that H and I are no longer communicating like we used to? I guess I would think she would think "thank god I have him all to myself now"

[Dontgiveup]

from Crazyforhim
"if I just stand back and watch their R from afar and do nothing or say nothing to cause conflict with H and I how does that make OW jealous- wouldn't she be happier that H and I are no longer communicating like we used to? I guess I would think she would think "thank god I have him all to myself now""

This part of that same article can give some insight to your question.

An alienator may feel more threatened and become more controlling as the relationship becomes seemingly safer and more solidified. Why?

•Now that she seems to have won, she has more to lose.
•Perfection is difficult to maintain; she has to maintain her fantasy self. She now has farther to fall.
•She may not have a safety net of supportive friends or family available to her.
•She becomes paranoid that she will lose what she won.
•She's in a relationship with someone who has proven capable of cheating.
•The more time they have together, the more time they have to know each other; true colours reveal themselves.