why doesn't OW see...
I remember reading the article as well, and it is all true. I had written a letter to OW about how our marriage was strong, and there were many people that were hurt over their relationship. I didn't yell or criticize her, but the letter detailed my love for H over the years, and how he was going through something right now. Her response was that i was "eloquent" but in "obvious despair" and that i needed to "muster all the strength i had to get through what was to come"
In other words: she didn't care to see he might be in a temporary emotional imbalance right now (she sees what she wants to see)
she didn't care that I was hurt or that children and family were getting hurt (selfish)
she was convinced that she had him (her ego. She needed him and at that point, she felt secure that she had him)
My H was attracted to (1) her supposed confidence and (2) her need to be saved from a loveless marriage and boring husband (knight/hero)
My H thought she was perfect (at first), but when I responded like the article said, (a confident, detached stander), her predictions were shattered. My H started to see that she might not be right about everything. Maybe she's not so smart.
I shed light on their relationship and talked about it like it was a case study of a naughty child. She was taken aback. That's not was i was suppose to do. She started to get insecure. I started to make predictions that DID come true: I told H that she will make demands and ask to be taken care of (to which he selfishly responded, "what? who's going to take care of ME???) and that she would try to keep him out of our house (she did, and she became more frantic and angry if she found out he came into the house, or worse, slept here); and that he wouldn't be able to confide in her, for fear of her reaction (true, and she flipped out at him and insulted our kids too). I merely stayed calm.
Yesterday, I asked H what he saw in her, and all he can say now was that he stopped thinking altogether, and no matter what his "little voice" or well-meaning friends would say, he either ignored the statements or heard a twisted version of the advice. For example, a co-worker warned him that OW was "ripe" for an affair. H took it to mean she was hot for him. Co-worker was warning him that she was trouble. H sees that now, but he said back then, that's not what he understood.
Another male friend said, "why did you seek out OW? Everyone gets lonely and frustrated at times. Next time you feel like you are in a marriage rut, just call me and hang out at a sports bar with me." H heard that friend understood why he was unhappy and needed an escape and implied that he supported H's actions. Friend was so angry at my H's interpretation that he didn't speak to him until we reconciled. And my female friend said to him "You need to make a decision. You've got three beautiful girls at home that love you." She said that H snottily replied, "what, are you going to make that decision for me?" He said TO ME that my friend actually said, "do whatever makes you happy."
My friend said, "he's messed up. Did I have a conversation with someone else???" She also cut him off until we reconciled.
OW also was caught in lies. OW's main complaint of me is that i "didn't work" and mooched off of my H. She said I spent too much. The problem with that, is that I am a budgeter. I look for deals, and I hardly spend any money on myself. So H tried very hard to justify her comment. He claimed that her home expenses were only $2000 per month (according to her). Hun, I explained, taxes in that county alone are 2K a month. What about car insurance, college expenses, phones, heat, electric, food, after-school activities, clothes and her penchant for traveling? We live in an expensive state. In our neck of the woods, a middle class family is strapped if they can keep the expenses down to 4K a month, and that's for the most frugal of families. I remember he insisted she was telling the truth, but numbers don't lie. At around this point, his cousin called family members and begged them to help H get away from manipulative OW.
Ok, so my point is that H did NOT see the truth, even when someone spoke plainly. OW was manipulative type. I believe she found her own H that way, but lost respect for him over the years. She seeks out the same type of man over and over. Her view of what love is is incorrect, and she will never be happy. The two were VERY selfish and toward the end, the mistrust and "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" attitude cracked their seemingly perfect relationship. At one point she yelled at him "you might not be a strong enough man for me!!!" I on the other hand, offered support for his troubled mind. So I became the refuge and escape to a volatile relationship.
Today OW feels H wronged her. OW feels foolish of course, because she told everyone at work she had my H and they had a future together. Just yesterday, H said to me that OW just wanted someone to fall back on when she asked for the divorce. That she'd been talking about it for years, but not until she knew she "had" my H would she actually go through with it. H said that OW didn't love him (maybe she doesn't know how to, he acknowledges) and that she was ultimately the insecure one, not me. That in sharp contrast to what she predicted I would do, I turned out to be the secure, strong one that loved him for him and not for what he was needed for.
It takes a certain spouse to give in to MLC and a certain OW to be waiting in the wings to take advantage of it.
angelgirl
The Alienator??? Many questions.....
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