[kikki]

With a clinger - yes we do get the whole drama rubbed in our faces a great deal - but as far as reacting to it goes?  No, we RESPOND because we have all learnt so much from this wonderful website and forum and all of the people on it.
Of course we're all guilty of initially reacting to the drama before we knew about MLC and what was going on.  Actually I think guilty is the wrong word - who on earth wouldn't do that when you have no idea why your previously sane spouse was behaving so badly ......
Sure, we talk about the drama - but usually from the detached stand point of the observer going - what the  ''

[stayed]

No kidding eh!  I couldn't believe what hit me.  Talk about reacting... wooooooheeeeeee, I as the master reactor... lol .... where was this BLOODY site when this HIT ME UPSIDE THE HEAD.

Good discussion folks.  Just for the record, I don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater either".  Some are serial cheaters and nothing is going to change that but most I honestly do not believe they are.  I read that there are many more "one night stands" then we would believe.  Apparently, they are out, get drunk, carried away and have a one night stand.  They return home to their spouse, worry, stress, fear their spouse will find out and the terror of the whole miserable situation, scares them enough, they never put themselves through it again.  Others, get off on the excitement, the thrill of possibly getting caught. 

Truth folks, we just don't know.  As HB is famous for saying, life is one big "crapshoot" at best.  Gotta take the RISKS in order to learn to live.

hugs Stayed...

[Anjae]

Actually I think guilty is the wrong word - who on earth wouldn't do that when you have no idea why your previously sane spouse was behaving so badly ......
Sure, we talk about the drama - but usually from the detached stand point of the observer going - what the  ''

You're right, gilty is not the word. One is clueless about waht is going on. Over 5 year ago this site did not existed. I had no idea what was happening, no one around me had a clue.

stayed, even if a one night stand is cheating it is a very different situation than a non MLC emocional affair with sex involved, or a MLC affair. The one night stand, unless the spouse finds out, only affects the cheater. And even if the spouse finds out it is usually easy to get over.

The ones that fet off on the excitment of getting caught will keep doing it.

[unbroken]

I could be wrong, but I think that there are quite a few on this site where the affair started at or around BD, so the MLCer wasn't really hiding an affair while pretending everything was okay.  It was more a part of the MLC than the underlying person.  I'm thinking that those kind of affairs would be something that could be put in the past without much risk that the MLCer (once recovered) will cheat again.  Thoughts??

[Love being on higher grounds]

LIW,

I see your point and I agree

hugs,
L

[Anjae]

What do you consider around bd, liw? Husband and OW1 come from a few months before BD. But, for what I get, she had an interest for him prior to the affair. Maybe from 5 months priot to the affair.

Must say that, for all I know, no, husband did not had an affair prior to BD. If he did I never found out.

Anyway, for me an affair does not involve living with another person. That is no longer an affair, is move in with someone else. A totally different thing. Am I making sense?...

[LeaveThePastBehind]

I could be wrong, but I think that there are quite a few on this site where the affair started at or around BD, so the MLCer wasn't really hiding an affair while pretending everything was okay.  It was more a part of the MLC than the underlying person.  I'm thinking that those kind of affairs would be something that could be put in the past without much risk that the MLCer (once recovered) will cheat again.  Thoughts??

I agree. This may or may not be the case in my situation, where he, over the years, gave me many reasons to suspect someone else ( craigslist ads seeking Op's, secret email accounts, pictures sent to personal ads... but I never found definite evidence of an other person.


May of 2009, he gave me the speech but I remained in the house, trying my best to work things out. I found out about the Op about a month later. I never knew the details about how they met, how long they were together, etc. as I kicked him out, called the landlord myself and cancelled our lease ( so he wouldn't be allowed to disgrace the apartment we shared ). Then he vanished.


I'm so confused about this. I'm not even absolutely sure he actually cheated. I mean, I feel that he did ( oh, I feel it alright ), but technically, I just don't know. I have no idea who he really is.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I don't know about all cases; I've come across these 2 examples who'll never do it again:

http://shalomrefuge.com/tkgm/DOCCheatConfession.html

[crazyforhim]

Wed2H- too bad our H's couldn't read that and snap out of it!!! Ya right...

[Silmarion]

oh I've missed so much...

Well once a cheater, you cannot not be one...it isn't possible.  That doesn't imply I cannot move on, stand, be angry, happy, sad, p*** off, etc.  It is not made with any resentment or bitterness.  It is a statment of fact.


I still love my h v. much. I think he finds that v. difficult and would prefer it if I ranted and raved and hated him (as RCR suggests in some of her material) but I don't and at the moment I won't.  It may change.   However, for some movement to happen in relation to my relationship, then my h needs to own his part as I am doing.  I have taken on board much of what he listed as 'my faults.'  I can understand and agree with him totally.  He too, must find a way of understanding himself if our R is ever to work.  Atonement all round.

Sil x