[LettingGo]

Just wanted to say that there are several of us on here in a similar position..... husband may be home... OW may be lingering or finally gone after a LOT of lingering, LOL!! Both parties still trying to find their way. MLCer still not themselves.... some triggers going on.... but day to day life is resuming.

I wanted to paint the REAL picture of what a homecoming is like.... it is some sort of reconnection period in a holding pattern. I think there is a misconception that the MCLer suddenly wakes up, give a big "I'm begging you to take me back" speech and now you're at marriage counseling every week. That's not what I'm hearing or experiencing in my own situation, yet these are real returns happening in front of us....

[wondering]

I'm with you LG. It's complicated. I'm not really sure what we are doing. But yes, it's a everyday new normal. They are home living with us, OW is either gone or still trying to contact. We have resumed a lot of things together...but they are not through their MLC. I have had no R talk that we are even trying, although he has told others that he is.. He will never go to MC. I don't think it would help anyway. He seems to be trying to work through some things but I can see it is a long strange road ahead with a lot of twists and turns. I really don't know what the outcome will be but I'm OK with it. Someday we will be able to discuss some things but for now its day by day, trial and error.

[Mitzpah]

This is great!!
I love coming to this thread... AlthoughI can see it is hard, it is very encouraging to read about it, especially for me, whose h. is in the darkest part of the tunnel, no signs of ever wanting to reconnect...
I am so glad for you

[Synicca]

LG is right...There has been no down on his knees begging for forgiveness...It's more like a knowing that everything will be ok.

We start doing things together, talking about the future....as in "what will be do for Christmas" Or "when this or that happens"

Honey said lastnight..." I wonder how much it will cost to send OW's things back, I need to do that"

Yesterday morning, he said.." I need to take OW's picture off my screen saver on my cell" Now, Its gone.

You cant expect the MLCer to "beg" for anything...I am sorry, but for me..."no one NEEDS to get down and beg" I am not a queen here, so no need to treat  me as such. I am his wife. and I do deserve respect. but not this idea that I deserve to be put on a pedistal
just for Standing...That was MY choice.

[LettingGo]

I'm with you, Wondering... yesterday, as we came back from an interview for a Township Grant to help us with closing costs on our new home, I was thinking how NORMAL the day was!! We woke up, ML, got ready to go.... he waved his hand around to show he was wearing his wedding ring  and off we went as a married couple! All throughout the interview, you would NEVER know what has been going on in our lives.. NEVER!! It was the "old" us... laughing... on the same page...joking with the counselor...talking politics and real estate....

She kept remarking how much we reminded her of her husband and herself!  For a whole day, it felt like I had woken up to discover IT WAS ONLY A NIGHTMARE!!!

It did propel us forward... but my husband left immediately cuz he had to get to Vermont for a job this morning.... he texted me last night to let me know he was there. This morning, he sent a text and then called right away... very cheery! He didn't want to talk, but I know he did these things specifically to let me know he was NOT at OW's. He's trying.

It looks like we will be celebrating Christmas in our new home with my MIL and niece visiting.... a stark contrast to last year, when he stopped by two days before Christmas to open presents with the kids... he celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years with OW and her family in THEIR new apartment in CT. House trumps apartment, right? I thought so...

[NewBeginnings]

Letting Go ~ I am very happy for you!     Sounds like things are going really well for you. 

NB

[stayed]

There is definitely no BEGGING hehehe!  Heck, if I recall, I actually got the feeling it was my husband who wasn't sure he could trust me  !  Honestly, it felt like I was the one that was here on a "trial bases" not him.  Whenever we would have a discussion about this, he would use the old "YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OVER THIS" ploy. 

He was very manipulative.  I realized very quickly what he was doing.  He knew I would not want to RUB this in, or LORD this over him.  He knows me very well.  What he didn't realize was that I had grown a backbone and also had figured out some of his games.  Once he realized I was not going to be "played" and put off, he slowly began to play fair.  Participated, albeit reluctantly in sorting through the damage done. 

I'm not sure if my h was more stubborn then most, but it took a good 18 months before we really began to function as a happily married couple.  A couple that were confident enough with each other, that we could actually DISAGREE about something.  Could discuss uncomfortable topics, etc.

Two year point, we could talk about anything.  He would even bring up the topic.  Could joke about the stupidity of it.  It's quite the adventure, to be honest.

hugs Stayed

[In this for ME]

Stayed Thanks so much for that post!!!!! Geez I'll tell you this is some kind of experience to go through!!

We haven't ML yet. That part gives me a lot of anxiety thinking it will never happen. I did express to him that it needs to at some point so I can get rid of the ghost of the OW entirely.

 I told him I cannot imagine me in this relationship with him and HER being the last person he was ever with; and if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same way.

I told him it doesn't have to happen tomorrow or next week or anything like that- but it's something I need and this time around I have to express what I need in all aspects of a relationship. Even if it only happens once- it needs to happen.

BTW this was really scary for me to do and I cried when I tried to say it- he was very understanding and just kept saying "It's all going to be OK"

[wondering]

Stayed, I am glad you posted that also. I'm not even sure I'm in a reconnection/reconciling phase but it sort of feels that way. Something is different. Although I feel like his heart is not 100 percent into it, his heart is not out of it either. His trying seems genuine. It's not just me. I can feel he is comfortable with me too.  I'm really looking forward to this trip in two weeks to make new memories and not have all this anxiety and OW stuff between us like last year. I sort of like the newness of this. A possibility to make a better partnership that is more equal and less dependant.

With a Clinging Bommerang there is not so much need to discuss things because I had the "joy" of seeing and knowing all along   Most other details, I have no interest in knowing. Someday I hope we both find peace with it or some sort of feeling that it won't likely happen again. I only want to see, someday, that he has some undersanding of what he went through or what he worked through and that I can wait a long time to hear.  I don't want it swept under the the rug but I can see why you have to wait for quite a while to get some sort of awareness.

[LettingGo]

I would like to think that once an MLCer has shown a desire to return over and over that it is just a matter of time before he figures it out.  But I have no evidence of that.

My opinion is that it really IS just a matter of time... my husband asked me yesterday to grant him a little more time... that he knows I have NO reason to believe him, but HE can "see the light at the end of the tunnel", and if I can just find a way to have faith in him, he will clean up his mess and restore our family. I do think that they will manipulate "for time" in a panic... knowing it will take longer than you think, but just trying to buy some more time to move along...

"See, every time I'm thinking of coming home, you do something like that."

Heard this a few times myself..... the way I see it is.... it IS a manipulation, but they are also telling you the truth... that JUST as they are about to feel they CAN come home.... be safe.... you SCARE THEM OFF. Now, it's not fair.... but they are very fearful they have done TOO MUCH DAMAGE. We aren't nuts, so we can't imagine WTH. SO I pay attention to what it was that I did that scared him off, and learn my lesson. After all, you can't get anywhere if they're not able to relax around you! In the beginning, this point is MOOT and it's all about controlling you.... later, it's just them asking for you to go slowly on the truth darts...

His line is "I can't keep doing this and neither can you."  Well, don't tell me what I can do...

I see this as "fishing" to see if you haven any more patience left in you... we've been at the end of our ropes many times... both the MLCer AND the LBS look for REASONS to keep going another day... we look for signs of HOPE and so do they...

Oh, and the other thing he has said a lot - and it usually comes out with a bit of a pained expression - is that he's "trying."

I particularly HATE when they say that.... I want to add "AND FAILING!!"

One interesting thing, Wondering, is that my H feels comfortable around me.  Even during this when I feel like the whole thing is nails on a chalkboard, he will say that he has enjoyed the weekend or that he has found the time fulfilling. 

Compared to what is going on in his head and messed up social life, it IS fun and fulfilling... my husband told me recently that "believe it or not... I really enjoy our conversations... I love talking to you!"  Coulda fooled ME, hahaha!!

If I had to bet money, I'd say your husband shows all the signs of coming home.... he keeps dipping his toe in the water, but he's not done yet! I think you might actually get a mea culpa speech....