[WarriorPriestess]

You will WP....I just know it...

I think we need to bring more positive energy into our lives... Be aware of our moods...

Thanks Syn.  I want it, I do!

I agree with you about the positive energy.  Like attracts like after all.

Love that he called you by your pet name!!!  Keep it up girl. 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I know I'll wonder if he said the same things to her or my biggest nightmare is I'll say things or do something that makes him think how much better she did it.  I guess maybe if I'd been spared a few of his remarks like" The sex was incredible!!" and "She really knows her way around a mans body!!" (and a few other's I can't bear to type) I may not have been wounded so badly.

Sounds like the Enemy was talking.  I know my H's words hurt me worse than his actions.

[BonBon]

I'm still catching up after being away and found my way back to this thread...reading what was written the past week or so is SO illuminating and makes me feel SO much better in that I realize I am not alone in aspects of this.

As Stayed said about the angel being slayed, I think that way too and it makes me sad.  I feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life with one part of my heart closed, shut down, shut off.  I can't ever give myslef, trust and unabashed love the way I did prior to all this.  Even if I felt it, I would not allow myself that.  I think that is sad but I can't take that chance again.  I guess it is good to feel more "individual" but I loved feeling so much a part of him, as us, as a couple.  I'm sorry that however close we may become again, there will always be part of me that has to hold back. 

I too think that it is now he that worries more than I do and I think its because he is aware of the above.  I notice him watching me for reactions and signs that I am drifting away or something.  I can see it and feel it.  I think he knows I have grown, I have taken some measure of mental independence and I think it is sad and frightening for him.  But what to do.

But I don't want to sound all negative.  I'm hoping for some sort of deeper meaning to our romance in the future.  I don't know...it's all still "out" there in terms of how we will be together as an eventual post MLC couple.

Syn, I'm delighted you are seeing so many positive things!

[WarriorPriestess]

I feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life with one part of my heart closed, shut down, shut off.  I can't ever give myslef, trust and unabashed love the way I did prior to all this.

I feel that way too Bon.  The sad thing is I was always naturally that way in all my relationships up until H.  Then I finally felt like I had found the person that I could trust enough to drop those defenses with.  Now I'm back where I started from, only now it feels like those original tendencies towards self protection and defensiveness have just been thoroughly validated.  After working so hard to overcome them the first time, I kinda feel like why did I even bother, ya know?

[BonBon]

Oh WP, I DO know....exactly!
My H and I even discussed that prior to marrying!  I'm an open book, heart on the sleeve type but previous relationships taught me to pull in the heartstrings and hold back.  H knew this and knew I was afraid to be hurt again...and of course promised I never would be and stupid me believed he could know that. 

I was telling this to my sister a few weeks ago and she sounded disapointed in me, as if perhaps I was being extreme or strident when I said I would never fully give of myself romantically again, meaning to my H, and I asked her, "WHAT OTHER LESSON IS THERE FOR ME???"

sorry for the written "scream" but honestly, I can't take rose colored glasses any more...that's what got me into this mess in some ways...

Bon

[WarriorPriestess]

Don't be sorry.  I totally get it. 

[stayed]

WP and BonBon,  that makes me feel so sad.  It's not that old, rather childish trust, that is a trust that only a parent can supply.  I didn't realize that until this happened to me.  My trust for my h is far more realistic, attainable, doable.  In many ways I look back on the trust I imposed on my husband and I can see what a horrible BURDEN it really was.  Nobody should have to live up to that. 

Now, of course, that does not mean that I think that one should expect that their partner will NOT cheat and betray them.  Actually, if anything, I feel even stronger about that.  I will not do this again.  I don't care if he returns to another CRISIS or not, I will not go through another one with him.  That is not a threat... that is a promise. 

Trust isn't the issue at the moment my dear friends.  At the moment it is hard to ever imagine being able to TRUST anybody, ever again.   For now, you want to get out of the tunnel.  See what is left.  Once you see what sort of a partner you are going to be sharing your life with, then is the time to worry about TRUST. 

Until then, put your trust concerns in a box, label it "to be brought forward" and for now, just take each day as it comes.

hugs Stayed

[BonBon]

Good point Stayed...you're right...I'm jumping ahead.
Thanks for the reminder!!!

Bon

[WarriorPriestess]

Thanks Stayed.  H's MLC has brought my personal issues around trust and abandonment to the forefront of my awareness.  They are long dormant wounds that had apparently scabbed over but never fully healed.  They have been gouged open again, and need to be lanced and cleaned for me to be whole. 

Perhaps the lesson in this is that before I thought that H had been the one to heal my wounds.  That was probably not something I should ever have put on him in the first place.  I need to heal myself.

[stayed]

Perhaps the lesson in this is that before I thought that H had been the one to heal my wounds.  That was probably not something I should ever have put on him in the first place.  I need to heal myself.

BINGO WP!  Those were your issues.  Nobody else should have to carry your old baggage, as you should not have to carry theirs.  Now, you know what you need to address dear... get busy... fixy, fixy.... quicky... quick.   

hugs Stayed