[Freddygone]

I agree completely. It seems the current idea is to accuse the spouse of being 'controlling' because we are in a marriage where we made vows to follow particular behavioural patterns.
Certainly in the UK, when two women that I know went to solicitors to throw off their husbands it was suggested, yes suggested by the lawyer that their husbands were 'controlling', When in fact these husbands of many years were in fact supporting their families by taking work away. How can they be controlling?
It is so easy to break a marriage, but it seems to be still what people aspire to and yet so many people have little value for it until it is lost.
It is all very sad. But it is not worth being angry about.
I know I will be paying for many years to buy my home again and keep a family home for my daughters. Whilst my ex-wife and gold digger fraud of a boyfriend will take many foreign holidays until her MLC and money has been exhausted.
 

[kikki]

I made the conscious, yet difficult, decision to end my marriage after years of mental abuse and controlling behavior from my husband.

I understand why you are both so angry about this.   
But take another look at what this writer has written - 'years of mental abuse and controlling behaviour'.
Who in their right mind would encourage someone to stay in a marriage when abuse is involved, especially when this poor woman has dedicated 20 years to trying to make it work.

Now, we all know that there is a strong likelihood that this is complete fabrication, but this is exactly the reason that society and 'experts' need to be educated about MLC.  Before this happened to me, it would never have occurred to me in a million years that people would lie about something like this, or that they would be so muddled that their perception is currently very skewed. 
Don't you think that this is the actual problem here?  Medical/psychological ignorance about this disorder?

[Thundarr]

Kikki,

No therapist worth their salt takes what a client says at face value.  The ones that do only have an interest in having a regular customer rather than helping.  People don't come to therapy because they LIKE the truth, but because they know it and don't like it.  Therapists like this are no better than bar patrons who will go along with anything and become enablers.  This is what really upset me.

[kikki]

Thundarr - I am very happy to hear that.  The world needs more therapists of your calibre T.

Unfortunately that was not my experience.  I dragged my H along to three psychologists and one psychiatrist, and none of them offered any help or support whatsover.  Shrugged their shoulders - said there was nothing they could do if he didn't want help, and offered no information about what a diagnosis might possibly be.

The whole thing was crazy making.  The most hideous time of my life. 
In hindsight - I realise it was extraordinary that I even got him to go along, but couldn't understand why he wouldn't go back.
I wasn't surprised by the article because that was exactly the attitude that I found these therapists all had.  You're right - it is appalling.  But it's not just 'you go girl'.  It's also 'you go boy!' too. 

[Mitzpah]

I wasn't surprised by the article because that was exactly the attitude that I found these therapists all had.  You're right - it is appalling.  But it's not just 'you go girl'.  It's also 'you go boy!' too.

Yes, exactly... In fact my SIL (who is very close to my h.) also endorses the exact same philosophy - she told me that I would 'thank my h. for being brave enough to break with the marriage' and that we all deserved to be happy My problem was that I was in denial and couldn't see how bad my marriage was...

This kind of 'pop' psychology makes me run a mile - in fact, it is probably the reason I steer away from therapists in general - sorry, Thundarr! As much as I know that generalization is wrong...

It makes me sick.

[Freddygone]

I am sorry Kikki misread my entry.
This article does NOT make me angry. It is simply what we have come to expect.

My point was simply that this 'therapist' as also in my knowledge of some solicitors, had (the way I read it) suggested that the spouse was 'controlling'. But also was doing some head patting when really a therapist should try to ensure that the person under therapy was really thinking correctly and was making a proper judgement. Therapy should surely be about ensuring the subject has a clear thought process in place before they make decisions.
Generally people who are confused (by MLC) are too open to suggestions of how they should be thinking, which is why I think that a person in MLC is often vulnerable or susceptible to an OM or OW.

Or did I read the article incorrectly? Maybe I did. 

[Freddygone]

Actually when I read the article again I see that the good doctor is not questioning anything or suggesting anything other than leaving (as she is proposing) and taking individual therapy.
Maybe a spot of talking to the husband about his behaviour would not have come amiss. Maybe he is having his own MLC?

It is sad that many people now are throwing away good families that could be fixed and in some cases are encouraged to do so.
Some divorcees, who also regret there own divorce with hindsight, are keen to encourage others to leave their spouse, and then later, when things settle a little, defend it as being 'supportive'. Whether this validates their own actions of years before, I do not know.
People seem to like to take sides, even when the couple themselves are trying to be amicable. Don't you find?
I have had most trouble with people interfering and believe this whole MLC process has been extended by other people.

[Lost]

" Generally people who are confused (by MLC) are too open to suggestions of how they should be thinking,"

Yeah, this is why one would wish there would just be more 'therapists' that would say: "why don't you try to look in a more positive way at what you have: something to eat every day, a decent place to live in, fantastic kids, a H/W that loves you" and try to be thankful for that. Questioning things in midlife and thinking about dreams not lived is normal at that age, just do not take any hasty conclusions and destroy all the good you do have"

Instead, most of these currently presume this M was particularly bad, take the affair as a proof that it was worse than other Ms, and that H and W would be more happy (=the ultimate goal in life, yeah) on their own, and therefore the kids.

Can't believe they do not know the longterm effects of D on kids, seem not to believe in MLC etcetc

The LBS can't clearly say what happens because that is the last person the MLVler wants to listen too; family is often also not listened too as they were identified by therapists as origin of the problem in the first place (and when do we stop to ALWAYS blame the parents on what we do 'wrong', even after 40... extreme cases of abuse excepted, and I am the last to say I have no FOO issues, but stop taking that as excuses, they might trigger things or explain some things, but the rest is DECISIONS we make, our OWN decisions...)

This run away from Ms is just not really adult behaviour, I mean it is what teenagers do to break up: "hey, I found a cuter guy/girl I am more in love with" Did we not all know when we got married that this would not be easy, and that so many couples divorce?

[wondering]

First off, the article gives very little information.  It's basically an Ann Landers, arm chair pop psychology, made for internet, newspaper, short version of a situation.  What if she is telling the truth? Did you consider that maybe she might have been verbally belittled, insulted her whole marriage.  Maybe her H was so controlling that she was not allowing friends or to go anywhere with out him?  You are guessing without any real information. 

Thundarr you are still too fresh in your pain.  You are trying to fit too many situations into the crisis of MLC.   You have posted a few articles on various situations, many not really fitting into MLC.  You still are over analyzing MLC and your wife.  Drop the rope and concentrate on you and your children.

Trust the process which is something you have yet to do.

[xyzcf]

This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC and gives her the "You go, girl!!"

I haven't read the article but in my own true life story, the therapist that we saw in Hong Kong told my Beloved in front of me that "it was time for him to get in touch with his bad side" basically affirming that leaving his wife of 32 years and picking up an OW was indeed necessary for his growth.