This is a further explanation of what is meant by becoming the opposite during the changes the spouse of the MLC'er would need to make.
Agree, disagree, whatever you wish; but understand this; I have not written, and do NOT write "misinformation".
You may not understand everything I write when it's written; but I understand that it depends on where one usually is within this trial...and some of you are not very far at all within this, or you would understand why this is necessary during your journey.
Even I didn't understand this concept to begin with; and it wasn't until I lived through that particular aspect that I came to understand it.
I wrote articles on everything I did during my husband's crisis in what I thought was plain english; easily understood; and I watched these same techniques work for others once they were
understood by the person who was using them.
It is all too easy to say you're misinformed when you don't understand; or lack comprehension of something you read, because you've not reached that point, just yet.
In way of explanation, I will start at the beginning; and work my way through; in many ways I may add a little too much information; but too much is better than not enough...and this may help you understand WHY this aspect was necessary.
And here we go:
If your marriage/relationship was all it was supposed to be have been, the crisis would NOT have happened at all, or if it had, it would have remained a simple transition; and there would not be all of the physical and emotional running away MLC'ers do on a regular basis.
The only way of getting out of the transition/crisis is by learning the lessons of life thoroughly; and doing away with the dysfunctional ways of relating that are usually developed within childhood, and some issues are suffered in early adulthood; generally with both MLC'er and LBS usually carrying baggage filled with issues they never dealt with until the crisis comes about.
I include myself in this baggage carrying number; I was once there before I learned better ways of relating to people; not just my MLC spouse.
In other words, we would have had to have grown up in clear emotional aspects; catching up with our bodies long before the age of transition/crisis had come upon ourselves. Our bodies grow to adulthood, but many people lag behind in emotional growth due to childhood trauma that causes pieces to break off to be stored within our psyche; these are known as the issues we carry into adulthood. Since children don't have the emotional capacity, nor the mental capability to resolve trauma when it happens; it's actually put on hold for a number of years; until our mental capabilities are matured to a point we can handle the issues as they come forth.
We can be emotionally regressed; but mentally mature at the same time. It had come to me more than once that it's a sort of "compartmentalization" we accomplish emotionally when the issues are stored away; and we don't remember them until the time comes that "triggers" these into our memories.
Even when adult people run away from their issues; they are still capable of dealing with the ongoing cry of their issues, once they stop running. But if a child, even one in puberty, were faced with the same emotional and mental intensity that comes at midlife, their minds would cross over into insanity; and they would be rendered unable to function. So, these " broken pieces" are stored away for a later time.
This would explain the various chemical changes we know happens in the brain at midlife, and it's not ALL hormonal; the change during the emotional crisis is chemically based; resulting in an altered state of mind we see come out within the MLC spouse. Within their minds, they are "reliving" times in their lives related to their issues that must be resolved in order to move forward to the next issue they will face; until each issue, plus the aspects of each are faced in entirety.
Since emotional maturation that comes with the settling of the issues within each person hadn't happened, or was stunted because of heavy trauma at one point or several points either in childhood, or young adulthood, it would not have mattered if you'd been the perfect spouse, or even if THEY had seemed to be the perfect spouse; the crisis still would have happened; as the issues that weren't dealt with or evaded for so long, would still come up to be seen and dealt with.
Some or most of you may still not get the similarities of the journey the MLC'er and the LBS; the journey happens at different times for both; but it's essentially the SAME journey both should take to wholeness and healing.
The idea of the LBS becoming the opposite is learning to experience the opposite of what you had been during the marriage. Once you saw clearly the areas within yourself that needed change, you learned to become the opposite in those areas. But, very similar to the MLC'er this leads the LBS into beginning to examine the total opposite of yourself; and I remembered seeing the BAD of myself, as well as the GOOD within myself.
I saw where I was deeply flawed; I saw the issues within myself; and thank God, I was given the tools to begin to fix myself; and again, quite a bit of this journey concerned becoming the opposite of the person I had once been.
I also saw where I had changed over the time of our marriage from the person my husband fell in love with into someone he had once THOUGHT he wanted; but when a controller and manipulator is successful in "remaking" their spouse into more like themselves; the attraction that brought the couple together initially disappears until it's brought back; like JA had spoken of having returned to the person her husband had fallen in love with long ago.
I, too, had to resurrect that young girl my husband had once been attracted to; not with the qualities I had once had; but with the fun loving and happy qualities that had drawn him to me in the first place.
Over time and years, we really DO get "lost" in our spouse's agendas; often losing our very identities in that process; our individuality; the people we were before we became simply wives, mothers, caretakers; well you get the idea.
This journey is also a time of regaining what WE lost as we were trying to do what we could to please our spouses, but if you're honest when you examine the the characteristics of your spouse before the crisis, you find that no matter what you did, it was never enough....and it's strange, you'll also find that what they did, in many ways, was really not enough for you, either...as emotional needs weren't met in the way they should have been on BOTH sides of the marriage.
That was something else on my journey of discovery I found; I had NO idea that people were expected to meet emotional needs in each other when married. My husband had some vague idea of it; but it wasn't until I found a list and showed it to him that he could articulate what needs he needed met. We each figured out the needs we needed to meet in the other; and you know, I knew, I wasn't getting ANY need met, most especially during the crisis....and his were changing so often, it took some time before he settled on at least 5 that I could meet consistently; this came later once his affair was done, the grieving process done; and he was ready to turn toward me again.
My continuing journey into exploring the opposites brought me to the understanding that I was very capable of doing the same things my husband had done; but it also showed me I had the choice of turning away from these aspects; just as he'd had the SAME choices, but chose to fall to his baser instincts; he had a character fault within him, based on his issues; just as most MLC'ers who fall also contain these same character faults within themselves. This helps trigger a fall to temptation; and rather than stand and fight to come through and back away from temptation; they choose to fall, and in that process, run away from not only their spouses and families, but from God and themselves as well.
I have NEVER advised becoming the opposites as 'dropping your values, morals, etc.' and I have NEVER advised growth and change just to get your MLC spouse back; that was NEVER the intention.
Change is for YOU, not for anyone else; not even your MLC spouse.
To do a complete overhaul in growth and becoming ensures you get every last change that needs to be made within; and this requires total complete self honesty within yourself......
I can truthfully say that I made that complete overhaul; it was the only way I could make sure I made every change I needed to make within.
People who hadn't walked far enough within the journey to understand what experiencing the opposite of what you had been was all about will need to walk further to understand the article I've written.
I never sacrificed ANY of my morals and values during my time of growth and change; part of my own growing and changing really was experiencing my own opposite side of the coin, not to mention becoming the opposite of what I once was in the way of personality.
I would be the first to admit that I was once co dependent, emotionally immature, a pursuer, a controller, a manipulator, to some extent passive aggressive, a true conflict avoider. I also suffered from abandonment issues, and from self sabotage. I had endured a harsh childhood full of physical, and emotional abuse that developed these undesirable qualities within me.
The pattern of emotional abuse continued when I married a man who was just like my dad in personality; my issues complemented and fed his issues; which in turn, contributed to the eventual breakdown of our marriage during his MLC. My husband was drawn to me in the beginning because I "fed" his issues, just as he "fed" mine for all those years before the crisis.
People are generally drawn to what is familiar to them in the way of behaviors, etc; and unknowingly continue various patterns of dysfunctional behavior. They don't know any better; they just go with what they do know.
This perception should undergo a change at Midlife; especially when the crisis rears its ugly head.
My husband's issues were similar to mine; and the fuel that fed his MLC; having nothing to do with me, personally; but since he and I had never learned how to deal with each other as emotionally mature adults; our marriage was also dysfunctional; and there were behavioral patterns within us both that led not only to his MLC; but later to my Transition.
My point again is BOTH of us had serious issues that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage; although my husband was the one that actually brought about this same breakdown with his actions; and he initially refused to work on the marriage.
I got the same kind of treatment as all you have gotten; the only difference was that he got his space from his job, rather than moving out. But, he might as well have gone, because there were many weekends I didn't see him until late Saturday night.
Until the fog within his head began to clear, there was NO reaching him at all; and I can tell you from experience, the harder I pushed, the harder he ran. It was when I started acting the opposite of what I would normally have done(for examples, no pursuit where I would have pursued before, speaking calmly when I normally would have been yelling and screaming, staying quiet, when I would normally have been being too transparent and that list goes on), I saw him start drifting back out of curiosity. As long as I continued to act out in the way he was FAMILIAR with, this fed his justifications for his bad behavior/actions toward me; but when I did the opposite; I effectively took away the fuel for his behavior toward me.
For what it's worth; these opposites I listed are STILL in effect within me; and he responds to them very well. I did NOT change just to get him back; I changed for ME.
As I became, I became someone he really wanted to be around; I did become an honestly happy person; and happy people are a 'draw' or a "magnet". Anger and misery are a repellant, and I learned this quickly.
There did come a time later for accountability; but again, as long as his mind was out to lunch and deeply fogged and confused; negative emotion would have driven him away.
He never did curse me, nor call me names; something in him prevented him from going that far with me; and I sincerely believe that this was one thing he remembered about me; I did NOT tolerate being cursed or called names; this was one disrespectful behavior I didn't have to deal with in him.
But his confusion was very real; and I did see many times he did not know who I was; as he was living within a time before I came into existence. I also saw moments of clarity in his ramblings; but these didn't come up often; and when they did; he would say he didn't understand what he was doing, or why he was doing what he was doing. These were the times I saw him poke his head out of the tunnel long enough to make sure I was still there; he knew me during those times.
The changes in me as he saw them, would bring more and more moments of clarity, as he did not like what he was seeing; he perceived that I was leaving him behind; and he didn't like that; so the controller would come forth, and attempt to squeeze me back into the box he thought he had left me in.
It didn't work, but that didn't keep him from trying.
NO, I did NOT date during his crisis; that would have been the first step toward adultery within my own mind; not to mention my husband would NOT have accepted something like that, never mind what he had done.
On the other hand, I could NOT have lived with myself if I had allowed myself to fall that far down; nothing would have justified me dating another when I wasn't divorced from my husband.
The changes I made within myself were instrumental in assisting him in the changes he needed to make within himself; it took me changing to trigger his changes, growth and becoming. Change must start within one to make changes happen within another; and this is so true when it comes to the MLC spouse.
He said later on what happened within him had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Yet, he also said that it was the changes I made that drew him back toward me; even though he'd tried to get me to return to the person I had once been because the "old" was more familiar to him than the new.
Yet, in being one step ahead of him, I already knew that to allow the "old" patterns to return was asking for trouble and a repeat of what we'd already been through; and I knew enough to hold firmly to the changes I had made; this in turn did cause and influence him to change and to finally grow up as he was meant to do.
I really like the person I became because of his crisis; I am more sure of myself than ever before; and I'm knowledgeable of the "red flags" of bad behavior; plus I'm comfortable enough to call someone out on bad behavior; knowing I really don't have to put up with crap from people anymore.
I have gained more than I ever thought I lost; in retrospect, I lost nothing; but the added weight of a great deal of luggage that I no longer carry; issues that are long gone, healed and whole; and I have a successful marriage with a man who learned all I learned; and in that process, we both became emotionally mature adults for the first time.
The journey I took was a successful one; and it encompassed all aspects of myself, my husband, my marriage; and my life.
I am a successful person; because I completed this journey, and made it out the other side as an individual; and my marriage was simply a bonus, not a means to an end.
I had once thought in the beginning to save my marriage; and ended up saving myself first before I could do anything further within the other aspects of my life; which included my marriage.
My husband is NOT the same person he was before; he's a much better man than he was before the crisis; and I would NOT trade the time spent for any amount of money in the world; as my journey was worth what came in the end.
One final thought; when the bomb was dropped this changed EVERYTHING in our lives; and once I had learned to move forward in order to walk the journey; it changed things even further. Change had already come, trust had already been broken in pieces, our lives had been shattered; and yes, my husband did these things to himself, me and our marriage.
I initially fought what I kept being told needed to happen in the way of growth and change; but once the shattering happened; there was no going back; only forward.
I do realize this is a big time hijack, but you know what? I don't care about that; I did NOT see my husband as the enemy within his crisis; what I saw was a man who was going through an emotional crisis complicated by a number of issues/aspects that he was dealing with....but even that didn't stop me from walking my journey; protecting myself when necessary, and completing my growth; once forced on the path; it all became necessary for me to finish what was started with his crisis.
I had no control over what he did/had done, but I did learn that I could control me; and everything that surrounded ME; and if he couldn't have caught up with me, and become the man that I did, indeed, see him become as a result of his crisis; I would have let him go entirely.
I'd already handed him an open door he wouldn't take; opened a cage door, he wouldn't step through...the only thing left was change for him to grow into and finish.
I was already prepared for the possibility that he could walk away at any time; having already learned to have the grace and the love, to let him go completely within the marital aspect; if he had not wanted me considering what I had become within myself due to the growth I had already accomplished within.
But, he didn't walk, I didn't walk, and we're still together; his and my choice were to stay together; and build a better relationship than we had before.
My two cents for what it's worth; and the knowledge of a light at the end of the tunnel that is not a runaway train.
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MLC'ers are not the enemy