[Howmanytimes]

Hi Barbiedoll

Oh I long for the day when my H says to me those words about his OW.  She too wants my life.  She is the only person in all my years on this Earth that I hate.

[Passiflora]

Hi all,
since I found out that my H switched from OW#1 into OW#2 in just a few weeks, I think it's differs. An affair is an affair is an affair YES but, if you can "switch" your "love" from one person to an OW to another OW in weeks, how can it be anything else but meeting a "need" of some sort. For me it screams desperation, codependent maybe on both parts and all this stuff about going public so fast (In my case the second OW put out the relation on FB (OW#1 and OW#2 are close friend or might I say maybe was close friends) and H had not spoke a word about this to his kids, relatives etc. And she does not think this is strange behavior by herself) Maybe what I'm trying to say is that there is a different between a affair and a relationship. An affair is more about what you gain from the other person than what you put in. A relationship is giving and getting. I think it's harder to walk away from a relationship/Marriage much more guilt/shame than when you walk out from an affair, you just leave (sometime leaving getting back to leave again multiple times). Someone called "law professor" here got a good explanation from her friend about the OW and the affair. So my answer, affairs does not have the glue, "mlc persons" are just empty shells.

Good question, lets keep the discussion flowing on this subject!

[MyBrainIsBroken]

For over 25 years we did do things together, we loved being together, we were best friends and partners in every way

Change this to 36 years and it describes my wife and I. Then a couple of years ago my wife told my daughters she didn't feel like she had accomplished anything with her life. Last winter / early spring she was severely depressed, a couple of months later she tells me she's having an affair, she has a right to be happy, she doesn't know who she is or what she wants from life (told the same thing to our oldest daughter). I still often wonder what happened even though I know all about MLC. But, as nah said,

NOT THE SAME.

The pain and feelings of betrayal. Horrible because it's so totally unexpected. But the worst thing is the confusion. Trying to make sense of it all when it seems so senseless. I talk with my wife's sister and she still just shakes her head and says she doesn't understand. And that's another thing. IF this were a typical affair/ breakup she would have her supporters and I would have mine. Everyone supports me.

I wish it were a typical affair. Those resolve quickly. MLC takes forever.

[Strongcurrent]

Hi barbiedoll

This is a really interesting discussion.  Not a day passes where I internally battle with the notion that I am kidding myself about my H.  Don't couples split all the time??? But I read the articles and I read the many stories and the pattern of behavior is unbelieveable.  Sometimes I don't need a crystal ball as I know what the next step is!


All the while my H of 21years together thinks everyone is OK with what he is doing, the kids are fine that he is destroying our family unit, that he is cool and that his fantasy affair (Facebook friend in San Fran) will give him the happiness he is seeking and he thinks he is no longer depressed.

As nah says it's all the things that don't make sense which keep me believing that this is a crisis and one day h will see this for himself.

SC

[Seekingpatience]

I agree with everyone which I guess makes me a spineless jellyfish.

1. an affair hurts. Deeply. Devastatingly. No difference to the betrayed partner. If the betraying partner is not a sociopath or has a chronic personality disorder eg Diagnosed NPD or SA, they have damaged their own Psyche, their soul, their core. So they hurt deeply too.

2. No get out of jail free card. Abso-bloody-lutely. Sooner or later mirror work has to be done by WS or M is done.

3. The decisions made to have the affair show depression confusion etc. Tick. Character of Betraying partner is shown when they are capable of repair and do the necessary work to make the repairs. This is when I think, the Betrayed spouse can decide whether to have them back in their lives as a safe loving partner no matter what the couples history is or the length of the relationship. Life is too short to live with an unsafe unhealthy partner. It further destroys our own souls as betrayed partners.

4. The confusion is not a typical affair type confusion. Major time slippage and regression to childlike/teen like emotional impulses. Loss of memory of major life events Ummmm huh??

5. They have so many distractions or OWs. Umm maybe they have so many "soulmates" because their souls are shattered into so many pieces, they try to pick up whatever distraction to see if that "IS" a piece they can recognise as part of their identity.

When they were whole and healthy, we were whole and healthy and could see more than just traits that they/we sought in a life partner, we sought a person made up of good bad enchanting annoying. When they break, they choose someone who is also broken because they can only see with that piece of broken soul they hold in their hands at that moment.

When the LBS becomes whole again, we see with our whole souls again, that's when we are able to healthily decide whether to pick up the broken pieces of our WS with them. It would be ideal that they too have done the work to piece themselves back but more often than not, reconciliation or reconnection is tough, really painful because the MLCer comes back with sharp edges of a broken soul.

My 0.02

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I forgot to mention that the thing that makes me wonder about this being an MLC is that my wife still seems to care about me and doesn't seem to want to hurt me which is so unlike so many of the monstering MLCers I've read about.

[blackice]

An affair is an affair regardless of mlc or not. Same betryal, same emotions. I think mlc complicates it further and causes it to maybe prolong itself but in the end it's the same.

[Albatross]

Difference is simple. Regular cheaters have serious issues, in majority cases they are personality disordered people which come along with a lot other psychological issues. Those people learn little or nothing from own mistakes, because they cannot learn it. So, those kind of spouses are spotted early in marriage and those marriages fall apart in 3 to max 7 years.
Personal crisis, specially MLC is sudden change in personality to the opposite what Your spouse was. Total meltdown. And yes, after 20 and more years of marriage.

[nah]

I forgot to mention that the thing that makes me wonder about this being an MLC is that my wife still seems to care about me and doesn't seem to want to hurt me which is so unlike so many of the monstering MLCers I've read about.

MBIB, if you read my thread I often call my husband, Mr. MLC, his antics are getting to be legendary on this site...lol

I have had very little monster.  Oh yes, he has abused, betrayed, humiliated, abandoned me but with guilt, shame and basically hiding.  He has never said anything bad about me, just things like I make him feel guilty, or I'm making people treat him like $h!te.  His reasons for leaving to others are things like "we're not on the same page", or "we decided together that we were not meant to be" (ummm...I missed that conversation,.  )

He has gone as far as to say that I was a great wife and mother and we have many great memories but he had to leave b/c, "I don't know, I guess I'm f*cked up in the head". 

[i can and will cope]

just to put my take on this my h had an affair in 1992 and we separated for a year and got back together , I know that this time it was differnent to the "affair " he had then when he dropped the bomb on me this time I was totally shocked and NEVER did I think he would do that again , i llike Barbiedolls sister know he never did anything in the 20 years we were back together and I never thought i would see myself in this position

in 1992 he never wanted to leave , never wanted a divorce never introduced ow to his parents

fast forward to BD he left me the note as he always did before he went to work went on holiday etc teling me how much he loved me and couldnt wait to get back to me as he hated being apart for a week( he was going on holiday with our friend as he did for the last 4 years)   he went on 6 December 2011 came back on dec 15 2011 (I could tell something was wrong stragingt away in his demenaor and otther things )

by 27 January 2012 he turned into someone I didnt recognise informed me he had to do this and wanted a divorce he took ow to his mothers bedside in hospital ? he did lots of other things that he would never have done .

I believe this is mlc and that his "affair" was just an affair (if that makes sense because belived me i was devistated when he did it the first time but I forgave him and we had 19 -20 really happy years together till BD.
dont know if that answers the question or not but it helped to  write it down .
thanks Barbie doll for thread discussion x