[Ready2Transform]

I will await now for everyone to disagree.

Not gonna happen here.  I think the mindset may be different for the MLCer vs someone who is just looking to cheat - but I agree with superdog, the outcome for us is the same.  I don't try to kid myself that I would be able to just brush the affair under the rug, especially since he has lived with her for several years now while keeping me in divorce limbo suffering.  I do think someday he will have remorse, because it's such an ugly situation he's in and won him none of what he blabbered at the beginning he was going off to attain, but sd pegged it.   What made us special is gone.  I honestly don't know how we would come back from that, even if he were to fully come back from all of his problems (the affair being just one aspect of this for him as a "well rounded replayer"  ). 

[nah]

Well, I always say if MLC is real than my husband is the poster boy.  So he could have had an affair, and I would have never known, or he could have "fallen out of love" and left me.  It was ALL the other weird behaviors, all in a short time, that makes this different.

Why after almost 30 years did he change companies for less money and more work?
Why did he change how he dresses?
Tanning, jewelry, dyeing hair, soul patch, libido pills, mega-men vitamins by the handful, protein drinks, nervous twitch, enormous weight gain, a fake accent  , joining band and singing teen pop songs, hiding from friends, will not even drive by house, 2 minute bomb drop, girl half his age with major issues, etc etc etc....

If he just fell out of love, why can't he look at me?  Why can't he talk to me?  Why does he avoid people that know me? 

His behaviors are so out of character.  Could I have been fooled for 30 years?  I don't think so.

[Howmanytimes]

Hi nah

I would say there is no doubt your H is in MLC.

Take care

HMT

[barbiedoll]

 Thank you . I have not been "sure about anything " in my life, to have a concrete opinion all of my own . I have been close to 2 years in utter and absolute confusion. i have been easily swayed by opinions and words of others and not able to cement my own beliefs and stand strong in them. I am learning.. still . I agree with so many of your views . I absolutely agree that an affair is an affair is an affair . But in a different  way than you. I believe an affair .. whether it be a casinova putting notches in his belt, a sex addict, a thrill seeker , a nacissist , an immature selfish individual or a man in an identity crisis .. it all has the same catastophic injury to the spouse . I do not ( in only my opinion ) see how the trauma can be any less or anymore . It is the most deadly offence of consequences that cannot even be measured .. I know this well. However , having said that , here is the very 1st " thing or opinion" that I have been able to believe in or know to be true  100% .  I have enough confidence (finally ) to defend this belief and not be swayed. I do not believe my husband would have involved himself in an affair  ... unless he was mentally incapacitated, sufferring some type of disintegration or breakdown. I do accept and believe this as a fact in my marriage and it was a 2 year struggle to finally land on some type of solid footing. I believe that a man that has shown a long long history of responsibility , committment and faithfullness  (35 years ) .. has encounterred a very significant internal crisis . I lived it, I saw it up close, I have tried to breathe in and out thru it , .. I saw a look in his eyes  and in his face that I never recognized after 35 years of looking at him. He was gone.  But.. and this is a big but.. for me at this stage of recovering from his crisis , it softens NOTHING . I suffer dramatically from the deepest  loss of trust I have ever experienced , loss of personal identity and a loss of sexual confidence that is beyond any words can describe. So , I agree with many of your views . ALL I have managed , so far in my journey is to absolutely feel confident that my husband had a life alterring crisis in his life . He is not out for notches , he is not a casinova or sex addict. etc. That alone is a HUGE step for me and makes me feel like Superdog.. I do thank you for your insightfull words. I have only very very recently been able to feel I just might live afterall.  it changes nothing else.. there is no such thing  as a `get out of jail free card `because you had an affair while you were in a crisis.  I still have much work to do... and I appreciate the input  and I most surely admire your ability to stand in your belief while waiting `for everyone to tell you you are wrong `. I love that ! And I am learning to do the same.. very very slowly. . Thank you ... I am going to just keep readinf as this is very worthwhile discussion to me .

[MsT]

I think we're supposed to have an easier time choking it down because they are "dead inside" and therefore lack impulse control? Is that right?
I guess I have a question from any who have reconciled: how do they feel about the OP now? I read on a different site where the infidelity was less likely result of MLC that once the screwing around was done and the cheater realized how bad they'd screwed up, that they often felt hatred or contempt for their AP.
I have zero practical real life experience to draw on, I never thought it'd be relevant, either 
Sorry if I come off grumpy. I am.

[nah]

Actually, right or wrong, I do have an easier time "choking it down".  Does it hurt?, Sure it hurts like Hell, but I know there is nothing, not one thing I could have done differently to prevent him from leaving and destroying our family.  That's how I am able to walk through life with my head held high.  I did nothing wrong.

Divorce is common, most people don't raise an eyebrow.  Most people however, do have a "normal" divorce, here's the difference in my eyes...

Shortly after BD, a coworker understood what I was going through, I mean he went through a divorce also, so he understood.  Then I asked his details.  Well, he didn't really want to marry her, she was pregnant so they gave it a try.  They were married for 4/5 years and she started to cheat on him.  Before she left, they always fought, never did things together, didn't have much in common, no common friends, he tried for the kids, she didn't want to try.

NOT THE SAME.

For over 25 years we did do things together, we loved being together, we were best friends and partners in every way, he wrote me a card after 25 years how we were not like most couples, when he says he loves me it comes from deep inside, blah blah blah.

The reason he left me besides of course ilybinilwy?  "I don't know I guess I'm f*cked up in the head", yep, that's the reason he gave after 28+ years. 

There is a difference.

[barbiedoll]

Nah.. I am with you. I do believe 100 % that there is a difference.. just. exactly like your example. ( it changes nothing about the trauma of the affair.. NOTHING. ) . The counsellor has many times told me " He had the blue print of trauma inside of who he is and would have had a crisis REGARDLESS of who he was married to... It had NOTHING to do with you ". I finally accept that this is true. I do believe there is a unique difference between midlife crisis affairs and all the other types. Thanks..

[MsT]

Sorry if I gave offense, Nah, I didn't mean to.
Up until 2 months ago I had complete and total trust and faith in him and in us as a couple and I still get this sick, watery feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about it. I guess I haven't totally let go of the idea that it's my fault somehow, even though I know objectively that it isn't.
It's going to be hard to break the habit of taking responsibility for everyone's everything, I've been doing that for a long, long time.

[nah]

Oh no, McT, you didn't offend me.  Sorry if I sounded angry, it's not you, it's the situation.

I love this forum b/c people on here get it.  Divorce is common, Midlife transition is common, whatever our spouses are going through, is not as common.

[barbiedoll]

MsT .. I have often said that is a reality camera crew followed me around for the past 2 years and actually caught on camera the utter wreckage of lives... no one would ever cheat again. NEVER will i just " swallow it down " ... even if I wanted to with my entire heart and saul, it is not possible. To answer your question. " how do men feel about the other womwn after it is over ? ". I have asked my husband this question.. not alot , but I have asked. These are some of his responses.
- she is obviously crazy (?)
she was looking to be you ( meaning me ,, the wife) with the big mansion, great vacations etc-
-i feel " nothing " about her . I never think about her ever.
- i feel disgusted with my involvement with her
-i feel she used me as possible "sugar daddy" .. as I was her 3rd married man
- emotionally ?  I just feel "nothing " .. no emotion comes to the surface .. zero.