[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[Glimmer]

The reference to accomodation and the ways of presenting themselves to others and those who present personas that are not in line with their inner selves tend to have more difficult times in midlife.
 I can certainly see my H in this.
For years he has been extremely ambitious. He is not a confident person by nature, very much like myself in being quite reserved and shy. Yet for a long time now he has constantly pushed himself career wise, forcing himself into  high profile situations that have made him physically ill at times. He has spoken at political conferences in front of hundreds of people and on TV, and I know how he has struggled to cope with his nerves and yet he still pushes himself to do this even now and I know this has never got any easier for him.
Yet now through his MLC he is has become that confident somewhat arrogant person that is single minded in getting what he wants no matter the cost.

[Mermaid]

I've been looking at burnout syndrome (the consequence of chronic stress) as one of the causes of apparent midlife crisis. Not all MLCers have burnout, but I'm fairly sure mine has. He's a doctor, and has the lifestyle and personality most likely to lead to burnout. He still needs to address the cause of his controlling, perfectionist personality, and learn to relax and accept his life and people around him. He feels trapped, hopeless and a loss of emotions, among other things. My stance as a LBS must still be to detach, not to demand, but perhaps in my case, I need to be very understanding and loving.

"Chronic emotional exhaustion, depersonalisation and stress-related disinterest – symptoms of burnout – may be more common in doctors than many other professional groups, given the nature of the work, the working environment, and in many cases, lack of support. Many studies report high levels of burnout in doctors, with psychological morbidity ranging from 19% to 47%, compared with a rate around 18% for the general employed population
Some people are more prone to develop burnout syndromes than others. It is the nature of our personalities that defines how we appraise and interpret the different work characteristics. There is a general agreement in the medical literature that obsessive, compulsive, conscientious, and committed personality characteristics are common in doctors. These personality qualities are a source of vulnerability in doctors because they may result in dysfunctional perfectionism, inflexibility, over-commitment to work, isolation of affect, dogged persistence and an inability to relax. When demands are excessive and loss of control threatens these kinds of personalities, the scene is set for a negative outcome – such as burnout."
Symptoms of burnout:
1- Hopelessness
2- Sadness
3- Cynicism
4- Irritability
5- Short temper
6- Exhaustion
7- Frustration and lack of power
8- Lack of enthusiasm.
9- Pessimistic thinking
10- Isolation
11 -Blunted emotions
12 -Life doesn't seem worth living
13 -Emotional detachment
14 -Depression

[StillStanding]

My MLCer is introverted, and uses his introversion as a defence mechanism to avoid the world and communication with it, so pathological attitudes could develop without my awareness.

That is my wife to a T. She was taught to stuff it down and carry on, and she even knows this about herself.

[Mermaid]

Midlife is an opportunity to rebalance. My H has started communicating a lot more, with my encouragement. He even thinks he says too much, but speaking helps him process.

Can you enourage your W to speak?

[StillStanding]

I have been trying to this entire time. When she tries to say something and stops, I encourage her to keep talking.

But apparently she still internalizes a lot because I didn't expect her to actually move out.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

This is a very interesting topic. I have often told friends that MLC is more like a diagnosis of cancer. There are many forms and types. Some are easier to treat and react to as compared to others. There are some common symptoms in all situations. I also feel that the crisis strikes men and women differently and creates different reactions out of both.

Like many other ailments, the MLC has largely been ignored. I think as more and more sites like this develop. Then there will be a drive to create research into MLC. Remember, twenty years ago, autism was an unknown ailments that was originally diagnosed as mothers who failed to create a loving bond with the infant! A lot changes over time and I feel that MLC is one of them.

[Mermaid]

Absolutely! The worst part is that they can't be cured, but have to cure themselves.

[ece711]

Symptoms of burnout:
1- Hopelessness
2- Sadness
3- Cynicism
4- Irritability
5- Short temper
6- Exhaustion
7- Frustration and lack of power
8- Lack of enthusiasm.
9- Pessimistic thinking
10- Isolation
11 -Blunted emotions
12 -Life doesn't seem worth living
13 -Emotional detachment
14 -Depression

When I look at all 14 symptoms I see 14 different Bomb Drops.  14 which could be used as an excuse why they are in love with someone else.  Don't get me wrong these symptoms are accurate but if our partners or ex-partners were well grounded all of what they feel should be discussed to us.  If they don't feel comfortable with us then they could go to a Psychologist, a Doctor, a pastor, or priest.  Now, we as LBSers in our lifetime may have felt one or two in this list why didn't we go out and have an affair?  As children didn't we experience things while growing up.  example:  Feeling that your parents have a favorite child and it's not you, or something like being moved from state to state, or not being able to get the expensive toys that your classmates get.  Anyway, just my thoughts.  The information is valuable but don't use it as a crutch to throw you off from detaching.  IMHO our focus should still be on ourselves, getting to a point where we become a whole person.

[BonBon]

I very much enjoy reading different theories about this.  And I find there are more commonalities with our MLC spouses than not...or it seems that way at first glance at least.

With that said, first and most importantly, I would also like to see this get alot more mainstream attention and be less the focus of jokes and more the focus of something that is at least akin to an emotional illness. 

I must confess that I bristle at the theory regarding men having an MLC due to their wife's age.  I may be knee jerk reacting here and maybe I really do have my back up but it seems to me that it's a sneaky way to blame women for their biology.  What, we can't even get our biology right? 

If on the other hand that this theory is true, then that would make me even more ticked off.  I would say if it is true, then I have even less sympathy for the male MLCer than I do now...which is not much frankly.  And if that theory is true, how would they theorize women in MLC?  Men don't have a biological timeclock..or not much at least.  So this one just doesn't cut it with me.  And if I'm wrong and it's someday proven to be true, well, I give up.

I would think it more likely that nature, nurture, culture (worship of youth, lax morality in the culture) and present situation (in part perhaps such as debt, failed dreams, etc) are the root cause.

But who knows. 

I always enjoy reading these theories so thanks for posting.

[Trustandlove]

I don't know anything about the author or her credentials, but this article, and some that are associated with it, sums things up for laymen pretty neatly.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/midlifecrisis.htm