[Thundarr]

Rediscover,

I just wanted to chime in with support you.  You described your beliefs and value set eloquently and in think we all have a better understanding of where you're coming from.  Stick to your guns and keep posting!!

[ThePhoenix (TP)]

I'll say this again- the emotional connection is a short circut and probably has been for most of the LBS and MLCERs relationship also......now with an OW or OM it's less than that it's TOTALLY disconnected. They are emotional Zombies.

OMG, exactly what my H said to me to describe his emotional state during the affair he just ended.  Is there hope when the can actually see it and admit it?


M 42, H 46, Together = 1998
Married = 2003 (small) 2006 (big)
Failed IVF's = 3 (H deficient)
1 Dog, 2 Cats

BD = Nov 9, 2011 = caught him texting, admits emotional relationship during 2mth work trip with MOW from our area
                                 he met 2wks before trip. Upon BD, OW leaves her H (no kids)
         Dec  2, 2011 =  After snooping, find out affair physical. OW flew to meet him in Sept, and again
                                    for next work trip end of Oct (all on her own dime)
         
H = Dec 2   He ends with OW.
       Dec 6   Goes to Lawyer appt made before BD, files nothing   
       Dec 7   H business trip
       Dec 8   OW calls him crying, texting resumes
       Dec 20  Flies directly to parents for Xmas (my request)
       Dec 28  Drives to OW now living 2 hrs from us in her other home.
       Dec 29  Returns home to take clothes & things, left everything untouched and crying.
       Dec 31  Calls begging to come home. Breaks up with OW drives directly 2hrs to our house.
       Jan 3.   Finds out my sister knows of affair, freaks out, says were over b/c cant face my family.
       Jan 4    Heads back to parents as scheduled previously.

[kikki]

TP - BD for me was 2 yrs ago.
3 months before that my H was saying that he no longer missed the boys and I when he went away on work trips.
At BD my H said that he was afraid of intimacy.
He has said many, many insightful things over the last two years, but he always cycles away again.
It's only recently that he's tried to finish things with the OW.  We all know what a slow and painful process that is!  Needless to say, she is still in the picture.

Some of them do seem to be able to have these insights, but it doesn't seem to stop the crisis.  Once they're in the tunnel, the only way seems to be through. 
HB also talks of either the MLCer or the spouse yanking the MLCer out of the process.  Only to have them enter an even bigger crisis, some time down the track. 
There are a few of us on here that think that this happened to our H's. 

[In this for ME]

OMG, exactly what my H said to me to describe his emotional state during the affair he just ended.  Is there hope when the can actually see it and admit it?

Well it's possible. I would consider it a huge step in them figuring themselves out. My ExH hasn't come up with that explaination yet- he just kept saying he was "emotionally drained"

HB also talks of either the MLCer or the spouse yanking the MLCer out of the process.

I wish I had a clue what NOT to do to keep this from happening. OW is DONE and I'm not trying to interfere with anything else he feels he needs to do ( band etc)

[Synicca]

HB also talks of either the MLCer or the spouse yanking the MLCer out of the process.  Only to have them enter an even bigger crisis, some time down the track. 
There are a few of us on here that think that this happened to our H's. 

I am one of the LBS's here that have dealt with this crisis for almost 6 years...But as Kikki puts it here, I yanked honey out in 05/06 and then he returned with a vengeance in 2010...so walk lightly, second time around is ruthless and horribly painful then the first bout. Ugh!

[In this for ME]

I yanked honey out in 05/06 and then he returned with a vengeance in 2010...

Syn..
What did you do??

[Synicca]

I forced him to choose...and that was way to early in the the process. I enterfered with his R with OW. I litterally forced my way back into the home BEFORE he was ready...

I also became OW to OW and Told her ALL about it..I forced HER out at well..LoL

[In this for ME]

Well lord knows I wanted to force the issue also. But he divorced me so fast I didn't really feel like it was my place to try to force anything. I mean I knew I had to get out of the way to let him do whatever it was he needed to do..or should I say he THOUGHT he needed to do.

[Synicca]

I only realised in hindsight that he was going through something back then, It took going through it again THIS time to figure out WTH it was/is. Putting it all together after the fact anyway...lol If I had known this before, I wouldnt have done what I did, and maybe it wouldnt have come back 10 fold!

Just remember (Newbies) you dont want to go through this AGAIN! so Let Go and Let God..Its the only way while DEEP in Replay.

[LisaLives]

Rediscover, I say this with love and kindness, and it comes from a place of knowing--having been there.  I still think your reactions are too strong given what was said. I think the hardest thing we all deal with is projection--knowing what we believe and feel and what we think others believe and feel about us, and then hearing what we expect to hear.  I think you are doing a lot of it here. 

Think hard about how you feel about your love and your stand and then come back in a week and read your posts.  I wonder if you aren't questioning your stand, it's okay everyone does, that's why they're here, or questioning your morals, values, principles, again, it's okay, we all do.  I think when there are spats on the board, it is almost 95% of the time because the poster hears something not said here, but said in their heads, often very quietly and often without permission. 

There is very little judgment on this board--even to me who has always been a vocal non-stander, but I think a lot of people hear their own projections and then can project anger back out at caring strangers rather than face the evil within.  It's okay, people here are pretty tough and we all know it, but I did that a LOT and everyone here made me face myself.  It is hard to make choices and decisions where we are, and we don't want to, it's so nice to think maybe we can come here and just get some answers, but it will never be that easy. 

Again, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hear me in you, and as others helped me, as painful as it was to overcome my denial, now I have to pay it forward.  Take care and love yourself, do what is right for you, but take your time figuring it out.  Love and light, Lisa