[SpecialK]

Hi Stayed

Thank you for your input, I will certainly be looking up difference between "true love" and "infatuation/twitterpation".   I remember that feeling; warm, fuzzy, exciting.  Then real life sets in 

Yep he does, I think I was about the longest.  Something in his head clicks around the 4 yr mark.

I think when a lot of time is spent trying to find out answers to why your spouse is doing what they are, I believe is a "distraction" technique we use to avoid "facing" our own demons.  We have been given a gift of time, as OP tells each and every one of us, as we join this forum.  He is absolutely correct.  It is a precious gift, which we are squandering when we WASTE precious moments trying to figure out what is going on in an MLCer's mind.

This is so true of me.  I have wasted so much time on this, and you are very correct when you say about facing up to our our demons.

I went back to see my Councellor today, very powerful.  I can see that I haven't let go of a lot of things, things that should have been put in a box years ago, which I have bought into my present.  Hence tarot.

One thng he did say to me was that I was still looking at ex through rose coloured glasses, also true.  That maybe when I saw him last week, looking tired and withdrawn that was my interpretation.

My goal is to work on me now, to become whole again, to trust my initution.  I've been stuck for way too long, living in the past and yes if I'm honest I have put my life on hold albeit at a subconcious level.  No I haven't detached or let go, not properly.

It was also very clear that I am not ready for a relationship, as RCR or HB pointed out, this will only stop my journey.  I did meet someone through a dating agency, haven't meet but he has been calling me.  He is soooo boring, spends most of the time talking about himself.

So 2012 is going to be about me, truly letting go of the past and that includes tarot, and discovering the real me.
 
RCR: Edited to fix quote bracket.

[stayed]

Good for you SpecialK!  Please do not be hard on yourself, this is something that is not easy to deal with it.  Everything about this goes against everything we believe in.  It is about betrayal, deception, depression, childhood issues, everything that is most precious to us.  This puts everybody on their knees, initially. 

WE can and will survive this.  WE will learn and grow.  We will not only survive but we will thrive.  Those that do the work, reap the rewards.  It's all up to us.  You strike me as a winner SpecialK, this won't break you.

hugs Stayed

[Sassyone]

And maybe there is some truth in the reasons they give you why they leave, but most of them are nonsense. The reasons I get now are completely different from the ones at BD. Take what you use to get you to a better place and do not focus on the others

E

This is very good advice, the reasons don't matter now, as they will change "daily" and even when reconciled, they still will not know why they felt the NEED to do this.  Some things there just are no answers to and this, I fear, may be one of those questions. 

There was never a truer statement.  The reasons change daily and it is true during reconnection there is confusion and they have no idea why they felt they needed to do this.  It stinks, I wanted to know that answer too, but I never will.  What I know is that they were so confused and in constant motion in the brains that they just needed to run far from whatever once matter the most to them.  To this day I will get frustrated when H said it was for this reason or that reason and then hours later it could be something else.  In the end it doesn't matter, they did what they did and that's when we have the choice that's when we are in the driver's seat that's when we get the choose to do what we want with our lives.  I know now that I want to learn not to be the vicitm in this journey, but to be in charge of my path. 

We cannot control anyone elses thoughts or feelings, just our own.  A hard lesson to learn, but so true.

Get healthy and focus on yourself is the best advice.

Sassy 

[SpecialK]

This has been one of the hardest things I've had to face (apart from losing my Dad).

'You strike me as a winner SpecialK, this won't break you'

Stayed this made me cry (in a good way  ), thank you.  I'm determined to be a winner in this, and I have a feeling (a small feeling) that the outcome will be down to me - lol!

But first I have a lot of work to do on me, my journey of self discovery is just beginning.

Thank you


Hugs SKxxx

[stayed]

Ahhhhhhhhh Sassy... well said... I'll drink to that...

Get healthy and focus on yourself is the best advice.

SpecialK... it has ALWAYS been down to us.  Always!!!  It's a frightening journey, not for the feint of heart but SO WORTH doing, in the end. 

We are all here for you Special... 

Hugs Stayed

[Mamma Bear]

  Stayed and Sassy and Special K, I love this discussion. It really takes us to the heart of the matter. I like to analyze things
     I really believe that these depression chemicals or lack of serotonin and dopamine in the receptor sites that cause depression create a BLACK HOLE inside of the mlcer.  They start self talking themselves into " No one gives a s**t about me. Poor me"     All of a sudden they crash into the rush of the infatuation chemicals flooding their receptors bc of a Tall Yoda Bigfoot at the convenience store.
  The logical thing to do next is hide at her apt for 6 weeks and drink and cry and don't call ANYONE!  When they retrieve certain pieces of old furniture, empty their 401ks and buy a new car / lemon you just KNOW what is what and what is not
  Thanks to people like all of you , I know. Otherwise I'd be up in the operating room of this stupid hospital hitting on neurosurgeons :
   Point of all this ramble is 'it is so much easier to go on our own journey when we have this roadmap. So much easier." Hey who's got the popcorn....

[stayed]

Mamma Bear, our spouses CRISIS isn't about Bigfoot or Bowser, it's all about them.  Our spouses have been derailed.  Those natural chemical reactions in their head and whereever... plum dun sucked 'm in sweetie... and now, you gots to get your sh*t together, get Momma Bear's house in order, move on with your life. 

If the poor lad finds his way back... FANTASTIC!  If not, you will have done the work and will be able to take back your life and rebuild a new and even better life for yourself and your girls.  With all the estrogen on this forum sweetie, you can't help but succeed. 

Watch out world, the LBS society is about to be released hehehe! 

hugs Stayed

[Mamma Bear]

  Stayed, Thanks. I get it. I am still the boss of my dept at work. I am never sitting home, usually out living. The Ds and I are always at sporting events, theatres, museums, family outings etc church activities, total life aspects handled with hardly any H sightings but a couple of times a month.    I only make fun of the ow to help me remember the whole "symptom" thing. You know the hardest part of the mlc is the ow affair. Right? So at 12 mos post abandonment I'm cool. I'm not missing out on anything! Really.   I know ow is just a symptom of his lonely state and hers. She's just a person but I do need to laugh about the ridiculous activity I am witnessing from the man who said continously "It took me 35 years to find you I am never going to let you go"  ya know

[stayed]

Mamma Bear... perhaps I shouldn't mention this, BUT I don't think I have ever seen a single post by you, that didn't have OW mentioned in it.  It comes across a bit OBSESSIVE dear.  I know you are a bright,successful person.  It's rather surprising that you can't seem to see that it can be "unhealthy" to obsess like that. 

I know you don't just blame the other woman, that you do hold your h somewhat responsible, but in fact, he is 100% responsible, in regards to you and your daughters.  Without a doubt, in MLC's with infidelity involved, there is lots of blame to go around and the OP has his/her fair share to carry, but you really seem to burden the OW, with way more then her share.  In my opinion, you do not hold your h as responsible for this situation as you do the OW. 

I must say, I have seldom seen another woman place a gun to a man's head and demand he have an affair with her.  Perhaps I should mind my own business but I can't help but think, you are giving away a lot of power to your husbands other woman.  I am sure you are going to deny that, and I am sorry if it annoys you, but I could not let it go by any longer.  I honestly felt in time, you would stop it, but instead it seems to be getting worse.

Don't waste your gift of time, Mamma Bear.

hugs Stayed

[LettingGo]

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Remember The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement. Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone.
RCR