[Trustandlove]

SK, I'm not sure -- it's one thing to look for all the similarities in all the stories, but we also have to be careful not to try to make the reality fit the story.  Each situation is individual, and you have identified a lot of the specific things in your own story.   

If I've got what you've written correctly; you have someone who has a history of running at a certain point in time; perhaps he also thinks that the "next one" will be the one to make it all better. 

That is also partly the way an MLCer thinks; that the "right" person will be responsible for making him (or her) happy, that it's just a matter of finding that one.    So it could be that kind of thinking, i.e. back in replay, looking for the right one, or it could be his general life pattern, finding a new one every x years.

At this point it is hard to tell.   And either way, he seems to be making someone else responsible for his happiness, which as you know generally doesn't work.  In any case it can stop him looking at himself, whether it is MLC or a general life pattern. 

Whichever it is, it doesn't really change the way you should respond, which is as always taught on this board -- detach; focus on yourself; continue to be kind, set boundaries where appropriate, all that.  All of which you have been doing. 

[SpecialK]

Thank you T&L.  Yes he does have a history of running at a certain point.  I can see now this really is about him and his issues - fear of abandament, committment etc., and until he gets to a point in his life that he wakes up and realises he can no longer run, he will continue this path, leaving a path of destruction behind. I won't allow his coldness towards me get to me like it did; I'm worth so much more

This is his issues/problems not mine and I will no longer be part of this drama.  Today I feel a sense of calm inside and around me - something I haven't felt for a very long time.  I am finally understanding detachment; he's hardly living in my head anymore.

Long may it contain 


SKxxx

[SpecialK]

I have a question that's been floating in my head for the last few days:

Is OW/OM a distraction in a lot of cases, rather than face up to what's really going on?

We all know that feeling when someone comes along, makes you feel good inside and everything in the world is good.  The bad feelings you may have had before seem to disappear.

Am I making sense?

SKxxx

[Mamma Bear]

   Special K Well Yeah, that's the whole point. MLCers are soooo depressed they feel numb inside. They push everyone away, withdraw into their sad selves and RUN to distractions that make them FEEL GOOD. Only after a while not only do these things cause them to not feel good, THEY MAKE THEM FEEL WORSE!  That takes time    That is why we call the OM/OW a band aid. They are just covering up a wound. A temporary shield, if you will, that keeps the wound covered up while the MLCer looks for happiness or worth or something they are missing. Right? Remember? LOL!  Have a good one

[LettingGo]

OW is a way to AVOID..... an ESCAPE... and someone who will ACCEPT the MLCer in all of his/her ugliness. The OW is a MIRROR of the selfish state of mind the MLC causes, therefore, the MLCer and OW use each other.... it's as if they are in the same room, but each of them talking about themselves.... ya know that old joke "But enough about me.... let's talk about what YOU think of me!!"?

The MLCer often feels "lonely", like no one is listening to him/her.... like no one UNDERSTANDS, or takes them seriously... (I felt this way during my transition..) but instead of turning towards their spouse for support, they do not ALLOW the spouse to support them. They look for someone new to fill that void. I know that I tried to support my husband prior to BD... I knew we were in trouble... but it was "too late"... he would not let me in and that's why counseling is not an option.

OW is appreciative of him in the beginning.... she is infatuated and thinks everything he does is wonderful!! Later on is when they start getting on each other's nerves, because they aren't well suited, and the MLCer is a real a**hole to live with... argumentative, controlling, smug, selfish, and critical. JUST LIKE THE LBS, OW tries to stay out of the line of fire, but she is so selfish HERSELF, she stumbles along and becomes CONTROLLING and a total b!tc#. At this point, a normal person would leave... but both of them have INVESTED a lot of time and energy into the "relationship", so they try and MAKE IT WORK.

My husband told me he needed me to "let him go so he could try and MAKE IT WORK with OW".... this is when he moved in with her. Recently, he told me that their "r" got really bad "right before they moved in together". BUT, he signed a year lease and did it anyway. I suspect he thought moving in with her would shut her up about me and her insecurities. It didn't, because his heart wasn't in it.

I'm just now seeing WITH MY OWN EYES (and ears) that OW really means NOTHING to him... just like we've been told, but HE thinks she DOES mean something.. not much, but he feels guilty about hurting her.... can't stand that she is so devastated and can't live without him because she "loves him SOOOOO much". He has been putting up with it for a long time, unable to make the break. Soon, it won't matter... he will have tried his best and failed with her and will walk away with NO feelings. I know my husband, and even HE has said "When I'm done with someone, I'm completely DONE... heartless...". OW's day is coming and she won't know what hit her.

Everyone will tell you not to give OW any power.... not to bother being upset about her. That is good advice, but the whole situation is so unbelievable and disturbing, it's hard to not give it some weight....after all, personal or not, your husband is with someone else and that hurts. That's why I'm telling you a bit of my story.... because it has changed phenomenally from BD infatuation. My husband rolls his eyes when I remind him of things he said about her in the beginning... he cannot believe it!! He told me last weekend that when they are together now, all he can see are her flaws.... OW's days are numbered, and the LBS does not have to "do" anything. However, if the LBS is pleasant to be around... not angry or fearful... not rageful or resentful.... then the MLCer rewrites history once again and remembers how much NICER it was to be in YOUR presence compared to OW. Everything comes full circle.

There is a lot of caution about "not becoming OW to OW" on the forum, but I believe that the MLCer must find his attraction to the LBS again in a very basic way just to come home... you ARE OW to OW, because now SHE is the one begging and pleading... pulling out all the stops to insure he doesn't abandon her... and you are the one he is thinking of all the time. Since he really isn't capable of being in a mature relationship right now, expecting him to relate to you in anything more than that is futile. Just my opinion.

So, yes... OW is an escape and distraction. She keeps him VERY BUSY "doing things", also I imagine there are a LOT of "reltionship talks", LOl!!!! There is a lot of drama and fighting over you.... the MLCer sees the OW as desperate... he sees her as FAKE... she will twist herself into a pretzel to try and please him, even going so far as to dress like or dye her hair like you.... but don't worry that she is keeping him from his journey.... he can only handle so much... facing himself and the issues he has buried for his lifetime has to come in bits and pieces or he would have a BREAKDOWN.

[Mamma Bear]

  LG and Special K I bought a lot of books right after BD. One of them was called You, Him and the Other Woman. This was before I heard about MLC. It talks at one point about how after the unfaithful spouse comes home and tries to rebuild the betrayed spouse(us) has to keep vigilant about his NOT contacting ow. It goes on and on about trust. They violated that trust and it needs to be rebuilt slowly. It talks about sneaking and looking at his phone to make sure he isn't sneaking  and contacting her. It talks of checking up on him that he isn't sneaking to meet up with her for made up reasons. I thought to myself 'that's what it's like for OW NOW!!!'     LOL!  I can tell from my Hs behavior that he is confused and has feelings for me. I started to imagine the HELL OW must be in right now trying to figure out his cellphone and his texts to me and his ambulette always at my hospital!!!    And no Divorce talk and Ds not allowed around her and his brothers and sisters ignoring him....
  Once I saw a tv show with Tom Selleck. He was with a woman and they had just 'done it' . he was getting dressed and she asked "Married?"   He said "Divorced."  She said "Are you 'over' your wife yet?"  He said " Nope."
  I soooo enjoyed that scene Chin up!!!

[SpecialK]

Wow!  Thanks ever so for your insight, you've made me feel so much better.

Thank you.


Hugs SKxxx

[Mamma Bear]

  Special K anytime. Everytime I get down my sister whose H came back or some other person on here just reminds me "It's ALL SCRIPT." Stand clear. rinse well. repeat......Lather oh yeah I forgot lather   LOL!

[LettingGo]

I just want to chime in with something.... I completely disagree with the snooping and keeping tabs on your spouse after they "come home". Who would want to live without that trust? These are GROWN people!! If they want to cheat, they will find a way and there is NOTHING you can do about it except give them an excuse for doing it!!

For the record, it's common for MLC cheaters to "learn their lesson" as far as the infidelity goes. My husband has even said that he "won't make the same mistake twice", meaning, once it is finally DONE with OW, he will run like hell from any fantasy he might have of a Schmoopie on the side.... he has told me it is NOT WORTH IT.

I have NO doubts that once it really IS over for him and OW, he will never look back with anything but regret. The entire affair has been a nightmare for him, except for about the first three months!! That's not much fun, now is it? He even tried moving in with OW to see if that would relieve the pressure from her, but it didn't... it got so bad he MOVED OUT!! How do you think THAT makes her feel? He claims "she knows it's over" about a hundred times.. meaning, they can both see the handwriting on the wall... she knows he's not into it any more.... that's what he said.... BUT, OW don't get the message unless there is a frying pan to the head along with it!! Remember, OW are most likely playing out their own abandonment script with our husbands.... THe more he abandons her, the more she tries to stop it. WE have learned to let go and let God, and to stop trying to control anyone but ourselves... OW is controlling to the nth degree and that's why she texts and calls CONSTANTLY when he is seeing the kids, or doing things around HIS HOUSE!!

Do not think for ONE MINUTE that OW has something on YOU.... now, HE may attribute his addiction to "something she has that you can't give me" but in time, that will morph into "I was out of my mind.... she has no redeeming qualities." Even though my husband is still attached to OW by a thread, he has told me "she might have a pretty face, but she is UGLY inside!!" and then the backhanded compliment "Don't you get it? I love you for WHO YOU ARE INSIDE!!". Maybe if my Cortisol levels weren't sky high from all of the MLC stress I could lose 30 pounds and be loveable on the outside, too, LOL!!!

Develop your personality and character to the place you'd like to be, and that means dropping anger and resentment, regardless of what he's done. I don't mean "stuff" your feelings down... FEEL them... but move through all of that stuff. it will only hold you back.

[Mamma Bear]

 Oh and I never meant to recommend snooping after reconciliation. My old h would NEVER have cheated and I suspect the new improved butterfly, when it's ready to emerge, will not stray either. Snooping is not good.   Faith