Skip to main content
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 [14] 15 16 17  All   Go Down

Author Topic: Discussion Ask the Mentor...

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 944
  • Gender: Female
Discussion Re: Ask the Mentor...
#130: July 14, 2012, 12:16:55 PM
thanks rollercoasterrider. I have been getting a lot of help, but i just have more questions. When i first found this site I was thinking of myself as the LBS. It slowly dawned on me that I am in MLC. And probably more quickly than to other MLCers because I am in Jungian therapy...so I identify easily with these identity scenarios.

Always my confusion in my marriage has been Is it him or is it just in my mind?

I have continually begged to go to therapy, and he has refused. I have continually stated i don't want a divorce but he has continually threatened me with one, for years.

I want to stay here and learn, but which role am I playing? It's both an intellectual question for me and an emotional one.

I look forward to your response!
  • Logged
previous name: nopressure
together since 1999. dp since 2002, m since 2005
H filed for divorce 11/2011. H withdrew the divorce petition and closed the case 7/2012. Limbo and "dating" H for 6 years. H filed for divorce 2/2017. H is currently in Major Depression and is non-responsive.
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1083
  • Gender: Male
  • Paid in Pain, So Where's the Gain?
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#131: July 16, 2012, 02:21:31 AM
Hello I have a question on a topic that I need help with. I know we are suppesed to go on about our lives as if our MLCer is never coming back. I have a live in MLCer that takes everything for granted. I mean all the little things you do for your spouse each day, like laundry or cooking, going to the store if they ask you to.


I am at the point where my W does none of this for me at all. She has cut me out of her life pretty well. Should I continue to do these things for her or follow suit and stop doing these things. I look at it as doing nice things for her as a benefit of marriage after all a roommate would not be so nice.


So I guess my question is do I stoop to her level and act like a spoiled kid that is not getting it's way and stop doing my chores?
  • Logged
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 136
  • Gender: Female
  • Thank God for second chances!
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#132: July 18, 2012, 06:51:43 AM
Quick question that I need help with…for 2 years since BD, OW (who I believe now lives with H) has remained a complete secret.  I received an email from H (who continues to be somewhat distant but very friendly as long as we don’t discuss our relationship) asking about a missing piece of mail, which I clearly remember mailing to him.  I am tempted to say I mailed it, have you asked (OW name) if she has seen it?  He has no idea I know about her.  Any thoughts?  Is it best to let the OW remain a secret or get it out in the open to try to push him out of this limbo?  (Sidenote:  he did file for divorce 2 years ago and could finalize at any time, but seems to be dragging his heels.)  Thank you.

H2H
  • Logged
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" ~ Proverbs 3:5
j
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2974
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#133: July 18, 2012, 08:31:16 AM
Taken to your thread to answer  :)
  • Logged
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.
~ Author Unknown

I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.
~ Author Unknown

The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1562
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#134: July 22, 2012, 05:49:43 PM
Do they ever say they're sorry and mean it?


BleaHHHHH! I'm tired of this! xH drops our children off at home and races off--is OW pressuring him, or is he running away from me? Both?

I just want to know if he'll ever have the ba!!s to say he's sorry!  >:(

I responded on your thread.  limitless
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 22, 2012, 05:59:58 PM by limitless »
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand
d
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 181
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#135: July 23, 2012, 02:43:01 AM
YOu ask if they ever say they are sorry----
It took my ex 14 yrs to say  he deserves anything I say to him! Although not actually the words<I'm sorry, that is as close as he has ever gotten. I do believe that was his way of finally realizing what he did and the pain it caused.
  • Logged
L
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1074
  • Gender: Female
  • Remember the Best and forget the Rest
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#136: July 23, 2012, 07:50:32 AM
My exH has expressed "I'm sorry" several times in the past..........nearly a year ago (after his failed suicide attempt).  He said he was sorry he failed me.  I told him he failed himself.  Well, he apologized more than I can remember.  He finally told me his therapist told him he had to stop apologizing for everything.  I had also told him to stop telling me he was sorry since I had forgiven him.  He has thanked me for treating him the way I have treated him.  He referred to me as a "good person, good wife and ex-wife".  Like I said earlier, it was nearly a year ago and about 2 years BD.
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1562
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#137: July 23, 2012, 08:04:37 AM
He did say he was sorry during and right after BD, but it was more of a "don't be mad at me please" sort of "sorry." There was no reflection, no desire to make anything right. Just a "I'm going to do this, sorry."

Ah, anyway, it's not so much that I want "sorry" as much as I want him to realize what he's done and make it stop.

But I know intellectually that he can't stop. I just was feeling sorry for myself.

A bit of wallowing myself!  :-\

I'll be ok--thanks to you all for your support!
  • Logged
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand
c
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6770
  • Gender: Female
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#138: July 23, 2012, 09:15:17 AM
Mine has said 'sorry' many times but it's 'sorry I hurt you' [but I'm doing it anyway].  What would be a satisfactory 'sorry' for me?   Sobbing on the floor begging my forgiveness?  Nope.  I don't even want to hear it--I will settle for misery & depression in his life.  Wait, he already has it.
  • Logged
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2951
  • Gender: Female
  • Found JoJo - Moving forward with God
Re: Ask the Mentor...
#139: July 23, 2012, 07:47:11 PM
Quote from: calamityj on July 23, 2012, 09:15:17 AM
Mine has said 'sorry' many times but it's 'sorry I hurt you' [but I'm doing it anyway].  What would be a satisfactory 'sorry' for me?   Sobbing on the floor begging my forgiveness?  Nope.  I don't even want to hear it--I will settle for misery & depression in his life.  Wait, he already has it.

That is a great one Calamity
  • Logged
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6740.0

Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.
:)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...  Romans 12:2
M 44
H 36
M 13
T 15
BD #1 October 10, 2011 ILBNILWY speech
BD #2 May 2, 2012
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 [14] 15 16 17  All   Go Up
 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.