[readytofixmyselffirst]

There is a lot of guilt and secrecy involving ow. They let enough out of the bag just to get you started. They hope that you will kick them to the curb and that will justify their actions.

Afterwards, they feel guilty and will cycle with others about ow as much as they cycle with you. It is not an easy arrangement as you know others have probably been giving him grief about his choice. On one level, he wants to keep ow for feeling his addiction but on the other level, he does not want people to find out about his little secret.

Of course, the best thing is to just let him stew in his own choices.  Personally, I don't ask about OM at all or even bring him up. He is a meaningless entity and it is up to her to get rid of him. NOT ME!

[Tsunami]

JAG,

I asked the same question about the lying in general.  They are dealing with their childhood issues, and emotional pain they didn't deal with when they were children.  Children lie, so they lie about everything.

Just another perspective to think about.

Tsu

[JAG]

As always...thank you RTFM and Tsunami!

Both of your points make absolute sense! I guess it is hard to stomach the OW because it seems to everyone that H left me and the kids (because to any "normal" person you want to spend every minute of your day with someone you love and care about...not someone you are using). 

RTFM: I see how my H used OW to try and get me to leave him (he also said she had nothing to do with why he left)...I told him we could work through this for the kids...he then said...he was no longer in love with me.  Sooner or later the cat will be out of the bag with other people...but I guess by then it won't look as bad when his infant and toddler are a little older (he can always lie about the time frame).

Tsunami: I guess my H has A LOT of childhood issues (if his identity searching during his adolescent years were not enough for him to figure things out...I think it is a lost cause!).

A big hug to all of you who take the time to listen to and answer a silly person's questions...from my heart to yours...thank you...

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Not a problem. The problem with saying I am not "in" love is that they are saying that you don't excite them. OW excites them. But it is not love. It is addiction.

Also, if you ever meet me, you will see that I am a silly person. Silly is good!!!!!

[Finding Hope]

So,

I have a question, I have been galing, doing my own thing and don't pursue h. He has started moving towards me a little at a time. Now the question, when he comes to me to talk I listen, acknowledge what he is saying when appropriate, then go about my business. Should I not be the first one to walk away. Once or twice I felt that if hurt his feelings. Its tough to know when he is done, at first I would wait to see if he was done talking and it was awkward, and I remember someone told me to be the first to end the conversation.

I think it is very important right now that I do the right thing.

FH

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Communication is always difficult. I don't know who told you to be the first to end the conversation. Instead, you mirror the actions and accept the conversation. If he is in monster, always end the conversation. After all, don't stand there and take abuse.

What make the conversation awkward? I think a simple, "Honey, I am about to do ____, is there anything else you have to say?" It is not rude to end a conversation on a positive note.

I think it is very important right now that I do the right thing.

You are past the clingy, pleading, and crying stage. You are not pursuing and blindly trying anything to save your marriage. Now that you are back to being you and living your life, the right thing to do is what your gut feeling tells you to do. Follow that intuition and reflect on that intuition. If your gut is telling you to do the "right" thing, then you need to ponder what is the "right" thing for your h.

Post what you think is the right thing and then let people consider your possible action and give advice on what you plan to do. Then take it for what it is-advice. Not commands nor "must do's". 

((((hugs)))



 

[LoveMeMyself]

I've read and reread the articles by RCR on Liminality.  I'm still not very clear on it or sure that I understand it fully.  Is there anybody out there that can explain it in simple terms for me?  Also, at what point (stage/phase/time wise) does the MLC'er come to Liminality?  How do they act?

[Dontgiveup]

Lovemyman

Here is RCR's Q&A blog on Liminality.  You may have already read this, but I thought I'd post it in case you had not seen it before.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?paged=31

[Bailmor]

After reading this blog post, I am thinking my W is perhaps in the Liminality stage, as she has requested to be alone in her own room she has rented in a house close to work to have some time to think.  I'm not sure if this is for Replay purposes, but something in my gut and seeing some recent little tidbits is telling me that time and space to herself will give some much needed personal reflection opportunities.  I'm trying to keep communication lines open but I am letting her reach out to me.  This post was exactly what information I was looking for as well!  This gives me more reason to continue Standing.  Thanks for the initial inquiry LMM!  Good luck and prayers in everyone's journey!

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks, DGU.  I had not read the Q&A, and I appreciate the information.  I can only nod my head and realize it's all part of the process and it will work itself out when it's ready.  I haven't had any contact in right at a month now.  I don't see my exH or know anybody I can ask about him.  I'm left in the dark (so to speak) but I'm alright with it........the knowledge of acceptance of the process helps me.  Maybe for some it's best that the MLC'er goes off and deals with their issues on their own......and be alone as they wish.  I just can't help but wonder........I suppose that's just normal. 

Good luck to you Bailmor.  I hope and prayer for you and all the others here as well. 

God's speed!