[justasking]

I hear you on that...one other thing, before she starts out, even BEFORE all the OMs get dumped, there must be an "awakening" within her to what she's doing...that awakening leads to dumping ALL the boyfriends, ends ALL the Replay behaviors...and brings her forward into the OM Withdrawal to heal from the damage done due to the affair.
In that process, she must remove these affairs from her heart and mind, and until she does that, she is nowhere close to being ready to try and work on the marriage.  Even as she comes across, there are still NO R talks, nothing, but continuing to wait and watch, and be there if she needs you.

Op
You said that awakening happens at the end of withdrawal leading into acceptance but HB appears to have OW/OM still in the picture during awakening meaning that it is the catalyst that ends replay.

Can you clarufy?

[Rollercoasterider]

Just a thought...but I think what is going on here is a that the same word is being used for two different things--or two types of an awakening.

There may come a time when an MLCer comes to a realizations (awakening) regarding the alienator(s) and/or running around Replay behaviours.

If we were to label a stage of MLC as Awakening--and let's not go quite that far--it would be as OldPilot is describing it. It would follow Liminal Depression--I do not consider Conway's Withdrawal as a separate stage, but rather as a part of the climb out of the Liminal Pool; though the thoughts on that are a work in process.

[justasking]

I agree.

I was thinking about awakening in replay when the WAS starts to realise what his replay actions have done and then starts to look towards home where the LBS sees more of the old individual. This is before withdrawal.

[Rollercoasterider]

Justasking,
 

I was thinking about awakening in replay when the WAS starts to realise what his replay actions have done and then starts to look towards home where the LBS sees more of the old individual. This is before withdrawal.

But Replay is not the end of MLC. Liminal Depression is not necessarily an Awakening. It is no longer an avoidance of their issues, but it is a greater internalization--into the cave. They focus more on themsleves in Liminality--but it  may or may not be in the same selfish manners as before. I prefer to think of Liminality as Self-Centered--or rather Self-Centering. Becoming centered in one's Self.
You will see more of the old individual as they exit Liminality, or even later.

But since MLCers cycle, there are times within each of those stages where you may experience touch-n-goes and see  glimpes of the former individual--like vacations from the crisis.

When they are in Replay and they begin to realize the damage, they may avoid more this may cause them to spiral downard more--toward Liminality; this relaization can bring on Liminality. Looking towards home may only increase their guilt--more Liminality.

[justasking]

Can anyone give me insight into the awakening mentioned by HB as I just wondered at what stage this was seen and what signs are given by the MLCer that this is occuring?


This usually comes as the stage of Replay begins to try to come to an end. They begin to see things in a more clear light..it is also referred to as seemingly "peeking" out of the tunnel, or "clarity" within the fog.
They will also realize some things that will lead them to dump the OW..as long as OW is in the picture, they are still in Replay...dumping her is the most clear sign they are moving out of Replay, and coming forward

RCR

I was referring to a post on the other forum from HB. I apologies if I gave the wrong impression.

[Trustandlove]

"As long as she continues to flit from one relationship to another, she is STILL in Replay.  It is not uncommon for MLC'er's to have multiple affairs while within that stage.  She's searching for something she is unable to find.  Still drying to drown her pain within another man, and it's still not working, so she's STILL searching.

It is when/if the final OW/OM is dumped, she turns back to you, and the OM/OW Withdrawal is gone into  with NO going back, is when she will be forced completely out of Replay. "

The above is from HB's post.... 

I read DMoney's sitch with interest; my H as well has exhibited similar behaviour -- searching for the next relationship.  Now he has never done this openly to the children; he hasn't even done this openly with me.

It took 2.5 years for him to tell me the whole story, so in some ways I feel that I started this rollercoaster ride all over again from that point.   

And now he is spending more time with us; I have no idea if he is still looking for the next one or not, as I have stopped snooping.  But then he just disappears again.  He isn't Monster, but disconnected.   I've been wondering for a while if this is cake-eating, and trying to trust my instincts on when a line needs to be drawn; so far those bells haven't rung. 

Children make a difference.  He comes here because they have said that they are tired of the backing and forthing.  Actually, as they are young teens, they are just plain old tired.  They want to live 'normally', not have to make a special effort to see Daddy. 

At the time of his 'confession' I saw things that might have constituted 'awakeneing' -- he said that he suddenly realised that his actions may have caused pain.  He said that he was sorry for having caused pain, but we didn't break through further.  We started talking about what kind of friendship we could have, but that stalled as well -- and yes, through my not handling it as well as I could have. 

Can that be repaired?  I drew some boundaries then (no OP); that didn't work.  So now I'm doing this....

[OldPilot]

So now I'm doing this....

What is this?  You can not FIX him. He has to look inside himself to fix him. You must watch and see if he goes to another affair then he stays in replay. If he doesn't then he might proceed to depression and withdrawl but it is not something that has anything to do with YOU!

[Trustandlove]

point taken, OP -- I didn't express myself very well here.  ..... I didn't mean 'doing this' it to fix him; it's more about how I'm deciding to behave for my own good, and that of my children.  When I said 'that didn't work' I didn't mean that it didn't fix him or restore our marriage -- I meant that it didn't work for me/us/our family -- it came across as hostile and that didn't sit well with me. 

Not sure if that expresses it any better -- it's one of those woolly things that is sometimes hard to put into words. 

I met a friend today, whose H was gone for 5 years in mlc; he's been back for 5 years now.  She, too, said that until her H actually said he wanted to come home she had no idea where he was mentally, if he was ever going to or not, nothing.  The awakening for him was slow, slow, slow, and even when he seemed to be becoming aware of the damage she still didn't know if he would return. 

[OldPilot]

T&L

Better to make mistakes here than somewhere else. You don't hurt my feelings. This is only a computer board.

[MarkedandHealed]

Five years... what staying power.