[Songanddance]

Wed - that was brilliant - made me laugh!

JD thanks for stages - think I'm at stage 4 nudging into 5 - so looking forward and upward!!

[being a lighthouse]

Awesome. I'm between 6 and 7   It's been a long haul. Script spot on too. Thank you all

[UKStander]

I really liked the JD stages - I'm battling, but it was VERY helpful. 

[superdog]

I reckon i'm at stage 6, but still too annoyed with h to reach stage 7 it'sll come though.

sd
x

[Albatross]

As topic say, that we are ! We are in deep $hit !

1. We are at midlife.
2. We have teenagers as kids.
3. We aren't anymore good enough for companies where we work.
4. We haven't so much energy as we have before.
5. Our bodies start to become older faster then before.
6. We start to have problems with health, first eyes - glasses. Then digestive problems, urinary problems nothing serious but we feel that we aren't so young and so healthy as before.
7. We have very old parents which are with a lot problems, health problems and psyche problems.

So, we are in the middle of anvil and hammer ! Kids wanna more money, they need more attention then before when they was smaller kids. They are half kids - half adults. They are in LIFE CRISIS TO ! When they have to transform self physically and psychologically. Some teenagers have smooth  transition, some have CRISIS (familiar) !
Also our parents have transition to !!!!! Never heard about last transition which is in front of us after MLT ? Some hit CRISIS some transition ! (familiar ?) They become more needy ! They actually going to become children before died.

Above ALL we have spouse which is not is in MLT but in MLC ? What we are ? We are superheros !!!!! We become single parents ! That is most painful ! Betrayal when is the worst part when one can possible be ! In mid life.

[OldPilot]

YUP

I read a book by Gail Sheehy called

Understanding Men’s Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men's Lives (1999)

It details all of what you wrote above.

All of it is true.

[Albatross]

Thank You OP !

Now I will present my life in brief, what a f*cked generation I am.

- Parents, father great man ! He was my idol, and still is ! He is real parent ! Real father, I never get over his death.
- To bad he died, 57 years old. Mother borderline PD. My father was indeed great man living whole life with borderline. Always faithful, real lighthouse of family ! Love You dead ! <3
- Born 1962 in communist state ! Go figure ! On year in prison, serve military as must ! And all communist crap.  My family was not politically correct - should I tell more ? We lived under magnify glass... 
- Father dies, I have to work and study - no money, so my studding prolonged... 
- Meet wife in 1987. Date one year. Married as students. True love ! <3
- War start 1991. Been there as soldier.
- I graduate in middle of the war 1992, get job.
- We decide to have kids, because war who knows when will finish.
- Get a D, my love !  1994. I lost job that year and get another one month after D born.
- War over 1995. VICTORY !
- Post war period country rebuilding low salaries.
- We get second child S 1998. 
- 2003. Wife get a job.
- My mother was seriously ill, we support her financially - long time, very low pension.
- Until 2007. all was great instead all what we go trough. W start her MLC journey 
- 2008. Economical crisis start. 
- 2011. W hit Escape and avoid. 
- 2012. her mother suffer lung cancer, in September father operated column cancer. 
- W hit REPLAY. 
- 2013. I am almost single parent !


- I dive in depression slowly fallowing wife crisis, after BD I totally colapse, deep in depression. So, I am now fully awaken and I did my part, my MLT is finished, I am stronger then ever !
- We have serious financial issues, for both salaries cut down for 1/3 to 1/2. Go figure ! Lucky we don't have any loans. No jobs available, heavy crisis is in country.   

- My borderline mother is in last life crisis, not transition ! D have some BD traits, but she is fine, she almost drop last year in high school when her mother hit pick of replay.

Kids have problems, they grow in their crucal phases without sane mother. I have to fix that, and I am doing it. I am that super glue which holding my family on cup.

So, life is good ! I AM STILL ALIVE AND KICKING ! 

[Serendipity]

I say we wear super hero capes with the Heros Spouse logo on it....

[TopsyTurvy]

Made me smile just had to comment - all so true 

[OldPilot]

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.

Reposted and bumped up for more of a discussion.

Who is stuck in the first three stages?