[Trustandlove]

So when you see forgiveness is what is holding him back - he can't forgive me, for a multitude of  not important issue, the world and whatever he will stay in flux. 

This is a great way to put it, B.  It made me think, about that, and about what things I still may not have forgiven him for. 

More practice needed...

[justasking]

The mind of an MCLer is so clouded and confused getting some clarity to even consider forgiveness takes a sismic shift along the tunnel.

That's why it is important for the LBS to learn and heal on their journey to get to forgiveness. In doing that they pull ahead of the MLCer on the spiritual, psychological and emotional journey. This changes the dynamic and interaction between the MLCers and their spouse enabling the spouse to become the lighthouse in the dark.

To do this the LBS MUST learn to detach, live their life and not to concentrate on the MLC journey only their own. Eventually the process completes and all the jigsaw pieces come together, whatever the outcome.

[limitless]

JA,

I truly appreciate your posts as they are so calm and enlightening.

I struggle with forgiveness and taking this so personally.

Your post reminds me that I need to live my life and truly let go of my H.

Thank you

Limitless

[stayed]

Forgiveness is for you!  It's hard to find though and I think like everything else, it has to be worked through slowly.  It DOESN'T just happen overnight... and the worst part, thinking total forgiveness had been reached... only to find, there was more. 

We are not just forgiving somebody who has left us.  This person turned our whole lives upside down.   The word TRUST had to be redefined.  Everybody close to the situation required "counseling".  Budgets had to be written up and strictly adhered, if there was anything let to BUDGET.  Homes sold.  Divorces paid for.  Probably just the TIP OF THE ICEBERG. 

I don't care how saintly a person is, the fall out from MLC is an uphill run to get to forgiveness.  Rushing forgiveness is almost as bad as rushing into the divorce.  Everything needs to be worked through. 

I don't think the MLCer is the only one who needs 2-7 years to get through, the LBS probably needs twice that time to get OVER this.  Lives are permanently altered.  Doesn't mean it will be a bad thing, but it sure takes some time to find the "peaceful place" within ourselves. 

hugs Stayed

[superdog]

Stayed, i cannot second what you have said here enough.

I get the feeling that there is a little bit of pressure put on people in the forum to find forgiveness quickly and find your peace. It's not a lost set of keys, it's as you say - when you are good and ready and mean it you will find it. Rushing, pretending is not good enough, you need to be ready.  I certainly know for some things i haven't forgiven yet and I am into year 4. We underestimate often what the true costs are to the LBS and families.

You are absolutely right, the devastation to most of our lives is huge and it was caused by one person, that's a whole lot of forgiving to get done. One item at a time ! No matter how hard we try we will never trust the same EVER. Not just our MLCer but others aswell. Redefining that cannot be done alone and cliche's are born out of truth "once bitten twice shy", fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Those alone suggest that finding peace with that level of broken trust may never completely be found.

SD
x

[Slow Fade]

No matter how hard we try we will never trust the same EVER. Not just our MLCer but others as well.

SD I agree with this. My Dad cheated on my Mom and though they managed to come through it and loved each other very much, my Mom never completely trusted my Dad again. It was always in the back of her mind even if it was just a little bit.

I don't know that I could ever get back to the same level of trust with my MLCr that I had before bomb drop. He has stripped our relationship of its innocence and security. There will be parts of me that he will never be able to access again.......I wonder if he will ever realize how much he has destroyed by his actions.

[stayed]

You got my point exactly Superdog.  Many think, "ah ha, Stayed obviously isn't healed yet... ah ha, Stayed's marriage isn't as great as she makes out"... on and on.  No, it's not that SIMPLE folks.  Sure, there is nothing I want more then to let this go.  Forget it EVER happened and just live out the rest of my life, happy and at peace. Totally practicing the lessons learned, appreciating what I almost lost.  IF ONLY it were that simple. 

A sassy comment, a strange look, a strange, attractive, woman/man gushes all over your spouse, or seems overtly familiar... ughhhhhhhh, there you are, wondering.  NO, you never TRUST them again... or ANYBODY, at least not like you did.  Some other poor devil carries the burden of your mistrust, due to your SPOUSE.  How is that fair?  It's not, but what can you do?  Those "cliches" are based on truths, facts... who the "hell" would ever trust like that again? 

There is no need to rush anything.  Just get yourselves HEALED.  Worry about FORGIVENESS and other stuff when you can feel that it has to be dealt with.  Believe me, you will know.  I'm still filtering through all the layers attached to this "crisis" that our spouses had. 

In the end, they heal better then we do.  For one thing, they ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY KNOW, they can TRUST US!  Can you believe that?  Honestly, you just can't make this $hit up!!! 

hugs Stayed

[Freddygone]

Stayed.....

In the end, they heal better then we do.  For one thing, they ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY KNOW, they can TRUST US!  Can you believe that?  Honestly, you just can't make this $hit up!!! 

Luck Ba****ds
after turning everyone else over, and also our potential future relationships.
But we must all believe in Karma.

I just saw a picture of my wife's OM car upside down. He was not injured but his sports car looks pretty sick. Happened Wednesday.
You see , there is a God.

[stayed]

I wouldn't want him seriously hurt or dead, but I must say, a nasty cut, a broken arm, maybe "pelvis"... would that have been asking too much?

  OOOOOOOOOOOPS, I really am bad aren't I? 

hugs Freddygone... Stayed

[Freddygone]

Stayed,
I don't think I should confess to my wishes, but it does not involve forgiveness to this guy who has spat on my family and marriage.
It's good that I was not in the country and that it was a self imposed accident by an adolescent 52 year old.

When two MLC's combine (the OM and my wife) it is a heady cocktail but at least my ex-wife was not in the car.  That is a blessing.

Now it is a source of amusement to my daughters that his 'girly sports car' was wrecked and hopefully some significant inconvenience is the result.

I will admit to printing out the picture A4 size and sticking it on my wall.   
It's a long way to go but I do believe that things balance out in the end. For all our pain and suffering we will have our up times and the best revenge is our success and happiness.
It really made my weekend.....I am bad too.