[being a lighthouse]

For me, it is a part of my growth to have an expectation (not laid at his door ) of contrition.
for my life. that my life is dignified with that.
whether it happens or not , I am not waiting for the apology to move on. only recognising  and honouring that desire in me.
I used to apologise for everything. For some , I can see waiting for an apology/remorse/contrition can hold back. I am not waiting.

[Bewildered]

Voyager

A very supportive post - I only wish I could be so insightful!! Thank you...

So thoughtful on the main issues (IMO) of how a LBS can get strong enough to deal with the consequences of someones else's actions.
Humpty Dumpty - yes i remember RCR article - using it as the metaphor for an identity crisis but had not thought of the pieces as you describe , 

Some of the pieces remain large enough to allow the MLCer to function, go to work for example, but because the other pieces are missing they can not be entire whole people.

[/color]


I did not think of the pieces of being some big enough for them to function - but when I read the above it was a Doh!! moment -  We the LBS have to deal with for ourselves the fall out from someone we loved? actions. From the Broken trust, agreed commitments, lost empathy & love. (IMO) how I feel when I read your words below on forgiveness and believe this is the only way forward  for me ... it is where I am now as forgiveness they say is for yourself - to quote the Mayo Clinic -

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward

[/color]

 i didn't get this till recently... (IMO) forgiveness now has made for me a hugh leap forward ... I feel really fine about the future and the present and the past - is the past and it truly is, it has NOT been easy, as anger is a much more comfortable place to be in, it gives you power and a reason to exist but (IMO) it only makes you unable to be you.

Quote from a leading mental health specialist -

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

Healthier relationships
Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you
Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding

So as Voyager says ...

This reminds me of the old dilemma, forgiving, but wanting to have some sort of accountability from the MLCer. How often do we want them to say sorry, how many times do we want to see acts of contrition? And if the LBS hasn't been able to forgive and let go of anger, will that be something expected from the returning MLCer for ever? Timing is essential here too, until the MLCer is ready, holding to account might make us feel better temporarily but won't have the impact we are looking for.

[/color][/font]


SO how do you forgive and deal with the possible omission of obvious remorse?

again from the experts view point (not mine but has helped me) !!

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, consider the situation from the other person's point of view. Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. In addition, consider broadening your view of the world. Expect occasional imperfections from the people in your life. You might want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. It can also be helpful to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you might be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you can choose to attend or avoid specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You might find that the experience helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

and the MLCers role -
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You're human, and you'll make mistakes. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect./quote]

Hope this may help ?? As (IMO) if you are lucky to have a reconciled relationship - let the MLCer deal with how he/she makes up for what he/she has done by him/herself - actions will show he/she is changing/changed BUT its their choice?

B x

[hummingbird]

Bewildered, Thank you for a such a helpful post on forgiveness. 

I have been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately.

Beyond my WAS, I am trying to find some compassion and forgiveness for both the OW and an earlier EA that my W had right at the beginning of our sitch..  Both of these people had been my friends. The OW was not a close friend.  The EA, I thought was a close friend, and had spent nights at my house (she is from out of town.)

I am not really doing this for them, but for me. I do not want to get caught up in the anger any more, it does not feel good. 

I also feel remorse for ways in which I handled moments in my own sitch when I was angry and or pleading with my W.  Sometimes I still struggle with forgiving myself for mistakes made during our M and also,after the BD.   I have apologized to her.

What a great discussion on such a difficult topic.  Thank you. 

If anyone

[Bewildered]

Hummingbird,

I feel that the forgiveness part of this crazy world we now inhabit is the hardest part of our growth as human beings .. we are on this earth as individuals responsible for all our actions and words, so when my H first let I was so hurt, then more hurt then I was panicky then more hurt then in a whirlwind of disbelief and shock ----- then thanks to outside (not good or supportive) forces - people who felt I needed to seek revenge - they made me feel that I wasn't angry at all and that anger was how i should feel so I did for a little while. Enough to make me feel unhappy, sad and wasting too much time on resentment and wanting him to fail, at EVERYTHING !!

Why? well because I had hurt pride, how could he be happy without me!! stuff - luck for me I recognised that these feelings didn't make me feel better and even thought sometimes I have slipped in the past year, so maybe 75%  there -  I have grown to feel sorry for him - sorry he is missing out on us and me and our family.

I know I am getting nearly 100% there, well maybe 95% (maybe the best I will ever do - but thats ok) as recently I was fortunate (IMO) enough to see some photos of my H with his OW (well I think of her as this - she is  a very close, female friend,  maybe not in a physical way 'girlfriend' but she must I feel emotionally support him (well as much as the MLCer can be emotionally supported) and a lady that I have know since meeting him - (a friend from his college days).

The photographs were taken at an event 4 days after his birthday - spent his actual birthday eating out with 5 other men (evidence seen on twitter!! as his birthday daytime he spent speaking at another event - (he now goes and speaks at anything asked - as they say in the UK he will attend the opening of an envelope - previously he hated this sort of thing & when he first left he was in demand and he was speaking everywhere but now he isn't so much in demand) so this event he was just a participant.

Background

OW, she is 49 - he is just 53, last week, the majority of the group that was partaking in this event were between 25 - 35 years old. The event was over a weekend - was connected in a very abstract way to his job.  but work as he is now working 100% all the time!! day night weekends writes work blogs every week 2 x A4 in length and spends his weeknight on trains (evidence to support this not guessing).

A work related friend who knows H and was at the event sent me the link - there were about 20 pictures of people to scroll through, she sent them as she felt it was an illustration of 'H' as a "Happy Man???" Not?!!  and she thought (she doesn't know OW) he was on his own??
He featured in approx. 12 of them, with the OW and on each and every one of them he looks sooo disconnected and unhappy, well maybe a better word is empty and very much in a crowd but so on 'his own',  OW and he never are connected, never looking at each other, or any kind of obvious connection (one has him talking to someone with OW looking on with a strained smile on her face, looking at him adoringly (well again IMO) and trying very hard to be involved (which was IMO an impossibility as looking at him he is on another planet) neither women OW or the one he was chatting too seemed in fact connected to him.

However, the best photo was him looking towards the camera (others are smiling at the camera, or deep in chat) he is looking straight ahead hands wrapped around his knees - he's sat on a bean bag on the floor - told you this was a very young peoples event!!, and looks mesmerised and goggled eyes staring into space. OW is looking the other way and sat behind his approx (guessing a couple of feet), a very odd photo - well they all are, some he is on his mobile, taking pictures of ?? ONE he has his arms on his head and so his back completely to OW, and the best one in it - he is asleep!! Well on enlarging it - his eyes are closed!! so my view is asleep or 'just resting his eyes'

and guess what I felt ??

Not joy , no i felt sorry for him and for OW too. Why would anyone want a relationship with this person??what kind of person is he that she thinks so little of herself? she looked strained and resigned to this is it!!
So my H wants happiness?
So my H wants freedom, excitement and to change the world and most important an OW that doesn't have any expectations from him to fulfil any role he doesn't want to do? (remember I nagged him to take out the rubbish= I's so horrible, Was so mean to him all the time -
the list is endless silliness and best of all i was wasteful = I cooked sometimes too much pasta/rice/potatoes at dinner)!!
Well looking at these photos he has freedom - to be miserable
he has an OW friend or whatever she is who has trillions of expectations but is so insecure with him , so lacking in self confidence that she will sit there and hope he notices her?? Put up with being on call, whenever he wants her - Totally crazy of as the Schnoppies would say BAT S*** CRAZY!! 
So who is the lucky one now??

ME
US !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they are NOT happy, They are not content, have any freedom - they are lonely, lost and empty!!

So sorry got sidetracked but this was important to why forgiveness (to me)  is so IMPORTANT ..

Forgiveness

“We should not look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dearly bought experience.”
~ George Washington

So if we the LBS'S have done as RCR says our mirror work, as HB says; learnt the serious lessons for personal growth along our way WE will find forgiveness; which will replace anger, resentment and revenge.

HOW?

UNblock the issues that stop us from moving forward - it is that one thing that’s supposed to be behind us: the past. Our unconscious mind has carefully recorded every little detail of what has happened to us in the past and uses that information to determine what is possible for us in the future. It’s not a conscious choice.

Many of us who have done work in the personal growth arena recognise that our history doesn’t determine our destiny. As that great philosopher ?!! Mick Jagger says,

 “The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.”


Still, your unconscious mind drags this past forward and uses it to filter information, form reactions to new situations, and influence our choices. Because it’s an unconscious process, we don’t even know that it’s happening – until we find ourselves sabotaging our best efforts to meet our goals and create change in our lives.

Here’s how it works: Say as a child you were embarrassed by a teacher you liked when making a presentation to your class.

Your unconscious – which is always eager to protect you from harm – makes a note: “Speaking in public is dangerous - you will be embarrassed ” as you go through life -

You may have completely forgotten the incident -- but your unconscious never does! So if you decide to do a little public speaking for PR for  yourself or your business, your unconscious makes you think , “Whoa! Not that! It’ll be too painful!”

Of course, your unconscious can’t actually speak/shout etc , so what does it do instead? It makes your palms sweat and your knees shake and might even make you sick to your stomach – whatever it takes to keep you from entering that “dangerous” situation.

BUT weird as this may be ...(psychology training from University days) .....

The other thing about your past is that it never really happened. Actually, it happened but the memory you have of it has been twisted, coloured, and distorted by your immature belief system.

As poet Adrienne Rich put it, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.”

Have you ever talked to your siblings or childhood friends about incidents in your distant past? Have you noticed that none of you remembers those incidents exactly the same way? Your unconscious doesn’t carry forward a factual accounting of the events in your history. It carries its own interpretations of events and throws them in front of you whenever it perceives you moving into unknown, unsafe territory.

Forgiveness is an amazing human power and it's worth understanding,  when we hold on to our pain, anger or resentment, we are burdened by them. We forgive because we need to lighten our load, and not carry pain forward relentlessly.

Whether it's the Yom Kippur service in Judaism, the redemptive message of Easter or a recovering alcoholic’s commitment to a fearless moral inventory, forgiving and asking for forgiveness is a human blessing.

However - Forgive Does Not Mean Forget:  We are told over and over again, that we should forgive and forget. In my opinion, forgiving is sufficient, forgetting may be asking too much, or simply be stupid. After all, if someone hurt you, it’s a good idea to be aware that it could happen again. And if you learned something wise from forgiving someone, it is a good thing to remember how you came to learn the lesson that has proved so valuable.

However - The cost of never considering the possibility of forgiving is that you risk remaining a victim forever – and if you’re not careful, you can assume a victim persona that can impact future relationships and even your children.

So IMO - The ability to truly forgive is a gift. It is not as simple as wanting to forgive or saying that you’re sorry to someone you’ve hurt.

We all wish life was that simple.

If you do the work of forgiveness, you actually mature. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Life is not fair. You can be traumatised, you can be bitter, you can be angry – but you’re better off being realistic and dealing with those you love from a place of emotional clarity.

The past does not have to dictate your future. But, the choice, when possible, is yours.

There is a power to being human. USE IT! - again just IMO , however if you do then IMO forgiveness may be one of our greatest strengths.


Bx

[justasking]

To forget is to deny the learning our trials have taught us. To acknowledge and learn from them enables us to move forward into forgiveness, peace and happiness for ourselves.

But if we focus totally on our physical and emotional scars we will never move forward nor forgive the person/persons who caused them.

[Trustandlove]

Lovely post on forgiveness, B.  It's something that I've been working on for a long time, and it's still a work in progress.  I completely agree that it is very important, for US, so that we live fully, rather than becoming bitter. 

[Bewildered]

Hummingbird,

I feel that the forgiveness part of this crazy world we now inhabit is the hardest part of our growth as human beings .. we are on this earth as individuals responsible for all our actions and words, so when my H first left I was so hurt, then more hurt then I was panicky then more hurt then in a whirlwind of disbelief and shock ----- then thanks to outside (not good or supportive) forces - people who felt I needed to seek revenge - they made me feel that I wasn't angry at all and that anger was how i should feel so I did for a little while. Enough to make me feel unhappy, sad and wasting too much time on resentment and wanting him to fail, at EVERYTHING !!

Why? well because I had hurt pride, how could he be happy without me!! stuff - luck for me I recognised that these feelings didn't make me feel better and even thought sometimes I have slipped in the past year, so maybe 75%  there -  I have grown to feel sorry for him - sorry he is missing out on us and me and our family.

I know I am getting nearly 100% there, well maybe 95% (maybe the best I will ever do - but thats ok) as recently I was fortunate (IMO) enough to see some photos of my H with his OW (well I think of her as this - she is  a very close, female friend,  maybe not in a physical way 'girlfriend' but she must I feel emotionally support him (well as much as the MLCer can be emotionally supported) and a lady that I have know since meeting him - (a friend from his college days).

The photographs were taken at an event 4 days after his birthday - spent his actual birthday eating out with 5 other men (evidence seen on twitter!! as his birthday daytime he spent speaking at another event - (he now goes and speaks at anything asked - as they say in the UK he will attend the opening of an envelope - previously he hated this sort of thing & when he first left he was in demand and he was speaking everywhere but now he isn't so much in demand) so this event he was just a participant.

Background

OW, she is 49 - he is just 53, last week, the majority of the group that was partaking in this event were between 25 - 35 years old. The event was over a weekend - was connected in a very abstract way to his job.  but work as he is now working 100% all the time!! day night weekends writes work blogs every week 2 x A4 in length and spends his weeknight on trains (evidence to support this not guessing).

A work related friend who knows H and was at the event sent me the link - there were about 20 pictures of people to scroll through, she sent them as she felt it was an illustration of 'H' as a "Happy Man???" Not?!!  and she thought (she doesn't know OW) he was on his own??
He featured in approx. 12 of them, with the OW and on each and every one of them he looks sooo disconnected and unhappy, well maybe a better word is empty and very much in a crowd but so on 'his own',  OW and he never are connected, never looking at each other, or any kind of obvious connection (one has him talking to someone with OW looking on with a strained smile on her face, looking at him adoringly (well again IMO) and trying very hard to be involved (which was IMO an impossibility as looking at him he is on another planet) neither women OW or the one he was chatting too seemed in fact connected to him.

However, the best photo was him looking towards the camera (others are smiling at the camera, or deep in chat) he is looking straight ahead hands wrapped around his knees - he's sat on a bean bag on the floor - told you this was a very young peoples event!!, and looks mesmerised and goggled eyes staring into space. OW is looking the other way and sat behind his approx (guessing a couple of feet), a very odd photo - well they all are, some he is on his mobile, taking pictures of ?? ONE he has his arms on his head and so his back completely to OW, and the best one in it - he is asleep!! Well on enlarging it - his eyes are closed!! so my view is asleep or 'just resting his eyes'

and guess what I felt ??

Not joy , no i felt sorry for him and for OW too. Why would anyone want a relationship with this person??what kind of person is he that she thinks so little of herself? she looked strained and resigned to this is it!!
So my H wants happiness?
So my H wants freedom, excitement and to change the world and most important an OW that doesn't have any expectations from him to fulfil any role he doesn't want to do? (remember I nagged him to take out the rubbish= I's so horrible, Was so mean to him all the time -
the list is endless silliness and best of all i was wasteful = I cooked sometimes too much pasta/rice/potatoes at dinner)!!
Well looking at these photos he has freedom - to be miserable
he has an OW friend or whatever she is who has trillions of expectations but is so insecure with him , so lacking in self confidence that she will sit there and hope he notices her?? Put up with being on call, whenever he wants her - Totally crazy of as the Schnoppies would say BAT S*** CRAZY!! 
So who is the lucky one now??

ME
US !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they are NOT happy, They are not content, have any freedom - they are lonely, lost and empty!!

So sorry got sidetracked but this was important to why forgiveness (to me)  is so IMPORTANT ..

Forgiveness

“We should not look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dearly bought experience.”
~ George Washington

So if we the LBS'S have done as RCR says our mirror work, as HB says; learnt the serious lessons for personal growth along our way WE will find forgiveness; which will replace anger, resentment and revenge.

HOW?

UNblock the issues that stop us from moving forward - it is that one thing that’s supposed to be behind us: the past. Our unconscious mind has carefully recorded every little detail of what has happened to us in the past and uses that information to determine what is possible for us in the future. It’s not a conscious choice.

Many of us who have done work in the personal growth arena recognise that our history doesn’t determine our destiny. As that great philosopher ?!! Mick Jagger says,

 “The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.”


Still, your unconscious mind drags this past forward and uses it to filter information, form reactions to new situations, and influence our choices. Because it’s an unconscious process, we don’t even know that it’s happening – until we find ourselves sabotaging our best efforts to meet our goals and create change in our lives.

Here’s how it works: Say as a child you were embarrassed by a teacher you liked when making a presentation to your class.

Your unconscious – which is always eager to protect you from harm – makes a note: “Speaking in public is dangerous - you will be embarrassed ” as you go through life -

You may have completely forgotten the incident -- but your unconscious never does! So if you decide to do a little public speaking for PR for  yourself or your business, your unconscious makes you think , “Whoa! Not that! It’ll be too painful!”

Of course, your unconscious can’t actually speak/shout etc , so what does it do instead? It makes your palms sweat and your knees shake and might even make you sick to your stomach – whatever it takes to keep you from entering that “dangerous” situation.

BUT weird as this may be ...(psychology training from University days) .....

The other thing about your past is that it never really happened. Actually, it happened but the memory you have of it has been twisted, coloured, and distorted by your immature belief system.

As poet Adrienne Rich put it, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.”

Have you ever talked to your siblings or childhood friends about incidents in your distant past? Have you noticed that none of you remembers those incidents exactly the same way? Your unconscious doesn’t carry forward a factual accounting of the events in your history. It carries its own interpretations of events and throws them in front of you whenever it perceives you moving into unknown, unsafe territory.

Forgiveness is an amazing human power and it's worth understanding,  when we hold on to our pain, anger or resentment, we are burdened by them. We forgive because we need to lighten our load, and not carry pain forward relentlessly.

Whether it's the Yom Kippur service in Judaism, the redemptive message of Easter or a recovering alcoholic’s commitment to a fearless moral inventory, forgiving and asking for forgiveness is a human blessing.

However - Forgive Does Not Mean Forget:  We are told over and over again, that we should forgive and forget. In my opinion, forgiving is sufficient, forgetting may be asking too much, or simply be stupid. After all, if someone hurt you, it’s a good idea to be aware that it could happen again. And if you learned something wise from forgiving someone, it is a good thing to remember how you came to learn the lesson that has proved so valuable.

However - The cost of never considering the possibility of forgiving is that you risk remaining a victim forever – and if you’re not careful, you can assume a victim persona that can impact future relationships and even your children.

So IMO - The ability to truly forgive is a gift. It is not as simple as wanting to forgive or saying that you’re sorry to someone you’ve hurt.

We all wish life was that simple.

If you do the work of forgiveness, you actually mature. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Life is not fair. You can be traumatised, you can be bitter, you can be angry – but you’re better off being realistic and dealing with those you love from a place of emotional clarity.

The past does not have to dictate your future. But, the choice, when possible, is yours.

There is a power to being human. USE IT! - again just IMO , however if you do then IMO forgiveness may be one of our greatest strengths.


Bx

[Bewildered]

Sorry don't know what happened here - re posted my post of a few hours ago

[hummingbird]

Thank you so so much Bewildered for another great post that challenges me to think and to grow.   

You have opened my eyes to so much about forgiveness.  I was seeing it as having compassion for W and understanding how her pain and fear impacted our break-up.  Every time I would go there, see her with those kind eyes, I would end up missing her more and hurting more.  Again, the focus was on her, not me, a Co-D pattern. I think it was also an attempt on my part to not let go, to excuse her in order to keep a path open to reconciling. 

I read your posts and others on the web and see forgiveness as a different process now.  My work is on using this experience to understand myself better, to grow by seeing the stories I create about my experience in the world which keep me imprisoned and by letting go of the story by creating a new one. 

I can look at the story of my M differently. 

I can see that this has happened in order for me to learn how to forgive.  I can see that this is an opportunity for me to challenge and let go of the stories I tell myself about abandonment and being unlovable ...replacing them with the awareness of the uncertainty of life and my ability to survive and thrive in it, that the journey that another takes is not a reflection of us but them, that this is my opportunity to unfold and grow, to understand how my fears manifested what i feared the most... and on and on...   

My forgiveness needs to start with me..  and my own shortcomings... facing them honestly and compassionately and expand from there..

I am starting to work on creating a new story... about myself and my M... and that story can lead me to let go of the old ones and to forgive. 

Thank you, Bewildered

[Bewildered]

Hummingbird

It has taken me a long time to work forgiveness out and how to achieve it!!

each and every day,  in fact many times a day Something happens that just consolidates my view - that as you said so elequently , about changing ourselves to be able to grow upwards and forward.
I see my H MLC as until he gets to some so of acceptance as he is moving either backwards or sideways - a few dots do forward movement but ?? So when you see forgiveness is what is holding him back - he can't forgive me, for a multitude of  not important issue, the world and whatever he will stay in flux. This is what finally made me see -that forgiveness is freeing For us

B x