[Mermaid]

I wonder whether some personality types never get to the remorse stage.

I have no idea wondering!  I really hope they are able to feel true remorse, can't think of any worse way to live out my life.  To do something like this to a person/family/kids that truly loved me and feel no regret/remorse for having DESTROYED their faith in me, is just sad!

My H can't get to remorse. He can't allow himself to make a mistake (perfectionist) and gets absolutely overwhelmed by any type of mistake. So he won't face the past, refuses to accept that he did wrong, and tells me I have to overcome my anger on my own. It would help me so much if he would just admit it, but he can't, he won't, so what can I do? He's been back for some time now.

[LoveMeMyself]

I've been reading this with great interest.  So, now I want to share my thoughts.  I haven't seen my exH in a year.  We've had off and on contact via email and the last contact he made was just a few weeks ago.  Nothing earth shattering.........just business stuff.  Anyway, I saw a lot of guilt/shame early.  I'm not sure exactly when/at what point my exH started telling me he was sorry.....profusely.  He would cry and tell me how sorry he was for hurting me.......then he'd clam up and stop contact.  This type of behavior rocked off and on for some time.  After his suicide attempt and therapy, he stated that he had to stop apologizing for what he did.  He said his therapist told him it wasn't healthy for him to continue this behavior.  He said since I had forgiven him he just had to work on forgiving himself.  This I understand.  So, here I am getting close to the 3rd year (BD-Oct.09) of his MLC and nothing much is going on.  My exH has also told me many times that he can not undo what's been done and that he will carry this to his grave.  I'm not sure if I will ever see/witness true remorse.  He may process his actions and let go...........move on without another notice to me.  I don't know how you can hurt someone like this and not deal with it.  So, have I seen all I'm going to get?  I don't know.  I find myself wondering how my exH can honestly move on to another relationship with this "secret" in the closet.  I don't know if there is an OW now or not. 

[Mermaid]

I find myself wondering how my exH can honestly move on to another relationship with this "secret" in the closet. 

If he has told his therapist then it's not a secret, he's told someone and got it off his chest. If he's apologised to you, then he's begun to face what he's done. In some ways whatever he's dealt with in therapy, which is a safe place for him, means he might not need to deal with everything again with you.

This might not help you very much to know whether he's faced remorse, or just guilt. Did it help you that he apologised?

[LoveMeMyself]

Yes, Mermaid.  It really helped me but I had already given him my forgiveness.  I told him that I forgave him the day we married............this was how I interpreted part of our vows..........I married him to love and honor him.  I told him that forgiveness (for me) goes hand in hand with that.  He seemed perplexed by it but I'm sure he has forgotten that conversation.  I don't need him to actually show me any remorse.  As I said, I have forgiven him.  I know he struggles and suffers in his own world.  He beats himself up more than I could.  I just feel like my exH is of the personality type that he will chalk this one up as a mistake in his past and be done with me........us.........completely.  I don't think he is of the type to return even though he knows I still love him.  I know, I could be wrong because it is MLC............after all, I never expected this to happen either.

[Mermaid]

You never know... if he knows you've left the door open, and you have forgiven him, perhaps he can forgive himself.

It may take time.

[xyzcf]

I honestly can say that I have never seen any guilt, shame or remorse..absolutely nothing. 

[Covenant for Life]

I concur with xyzcf.  As many of us on the forum believe that our spouses turning their backs on God is a common theme (Conway), I think that those of us who have never seen any guilt, shame, or remorse from our MLCers just shows how deeply they have left their faith and their God and their core values.

Abandoning their family, violating a covenant vow, and pursuing that which God clearly hates - all the while showing no guilt or remorse for it - clearly reveals how deep in bondage to sin they truly are.

[Stillpraying]

My H has made the following comments:

"You made me feel hurt for your hurt"

"Don't leverage the children to put guilt on me"  (in response when I sincerely update him on how they are doing)

"I wasn't unfaithful.  We are 'estranged' . It is ok with God because it was love"

I have found out that his mother never apologises and pretends things didn't happen.  I have experienced this from her myself which hurt me deeply at the time.  I gues it may be a learned behaviour for H.

I found the post interesting and very clear on the difference between guilt and remorse.  thanks for putting it on the forum.

[I believe in angels]

A very good article and one I will go back to im sure.  My H is a long way from remorse and only seems to show the actions of guilt.  It will be interesting to see what happens in the future as I dont think that I will truly ever forgive him, whether we reconcile or not until he feels complete remorse.  I dont want to know anyuone who is quite 'happy' to put someone through that much pain, mlc or not.

[FindingJoJo]

My H says the words but his actions don't show me much progress.  He claims to be working on coming home but what gets me is that he is doing all these things without really paying attention to my needs.  So yesterday and today I am not texting and pretty much have decided that for this next week it is re-focusing on my issues.  Yeah he asked for forgiveness, told me he is tired of putting me through hell, told me I am here, he is there and he is such and idiot and he loves me - then went silent and cold in my opinion.