[readytofixmyselffirst]

I am not focused on percentages either. The data and research is qualitative in nature. I am just looking at the underlying issues and trying to come up with different strategies and understanding of female MLC as opposed male MLC.

It is not to detract or take away but to add to our knowledge base.

[honour]

How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but kick’em to the curb immediately?

Why is the term "kick 'em to curb" used in this context?  Does it suggest that not wanting to continue in a relationship with an adulterer is an extreme reaction?  It is not unreasonable, having been deceived, lied to, slandered and savaged by the hounds of hell, to calmly conclude that a trusting relationship with a person capable of such gross disrespect and cruelty is perhaps not a safe option. Is it "kick 'em to the curb" or is it a rational response to what is for many people intolerable behaviour?

From my experience it is the LBS that gets well and truly kicked to the curb.

honour

[Rollercoasterider]

How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but kick’em to the curb immediately?

Why is the term "kick 'em to curb" used in this context?  Does it suggest that not wanting to continue in a relationship with an adulterer is an extreme reaction?  It is not unreasonable, having been deceived, lied to, slandered and savaged by the hounds of hell, to calmly conclude that a trusting relationship with a person capable of such gross disrespect and cruelty is perhaps not a safe option. Is it "kick 'em to the curb" or is it a rational response to what is for many people intolerable behaviour?

From my experience it is the LBS that gets well and truly kicked to the curb.

honour

That's why I said immediately. I don;t consider it kicking'em to the curb if it's not an immediate/knee jerk reaction. Kicking them out can be a part of a rational response rather than a reaction, but I generally use the phrase ro refer to a reaction rather than a thought-out response.

[Thundarr]

I also agree wholeheartedly that most mental helath clinicians are ignorant as to the differences between a transition and a crisis.  They just have no idea.  None.  And, as a result, they often make suggestions that do more harm than good.

May be true, but I know of one that sure as hell knows the difference!!!!  There are more but I'll let them speak for themselves.

[honour]

How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but kick’em to the curb immediately?

Why is the term "kick 'em to curb" used in this context?  Does it suggest that not wanting to continue in a relationship with an adulterer is an extreme reaction?  It is not unreasonable, having been deceived, lied to, slandered and savaged by the hounds of hell, to calmly conclude that a trusting relationship with a person capable of such gross disrespect and cruelty is perhaps not a safe option. Is it "kick 'em to the curb" or is it a rational response to what is for many people intolerable behaviour?

From my experience it is the LBS that gets well and truly kicked to the curb.

honour

That's why I said immediately. I don;t consider it kicking'em to the curb if it's not an immediate/knee jerk reaction. Kicking them out can be a part of a rational response rather than a reaction, but I generally use the phrase ro refer to a reaction rather than a thought-out response.

Why use the phrase at all? The use of "immediately" doesn't satisfactorily moderate the term "kick 'em to the curb." The term "kick 'em to the curb" is an emotive term. Why not say:
How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but choose to divorce immediately?

divorce = rational, understandable response given the dreadful circumstances
kick 'em to curb = extreme, vengeful response regardless of the dreadful circumstances

The LBS has a difficult enough time post BD just hanging on to life without being burdened and confused further by implied criticism that not wishing to participate (whether the decision is taken immediately or at a later stage) in a relationship with an adulterer is somehow an unfair, unloving or irrationally extreme position to take.

I appreciate this site is for Standers but Standing is not the only right and proper way to proceed and Standing does not have an exclusive right to the moral high ground.

honour

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I appreciate this site is for Standers but Standing is not the only right and proper way to proceed and Standing does not have an exclusive right to the moral high ground.

In fact I would agree that if you tke this context with your spouse, you will never reconnect. I support standing for the LBS so that they can get a firm ground and make a positive decision for themselves and their families. I think the first initiial thought is that the relationship is over and to divorce immediately.

I may still end up in divorce court, but I will do so in a thoughtful, rational, and caring manner doing what is best for me, my children, and my wife. It will be my last resort and hopefully it will be her divorce if it does go that way. I do not want a divorce and I know that is what is best for my children, their future spouses, and my grandchildren.

I hope that my actions set an example for my kids that in the end, I did what was best for them and that they were always my first priority.

(((((hugs)))))

[Rollercoasterider]

Why use the phrase at all? The use of "immediately" doesn't satisfactorily moderate the term "kick 'em to the curb." The term "kick 'em to the curb" is an emotive term. Why not say:
How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but choose to divorce immediately?

divorce = rational, understandable response given the dreadful circumstances
kick 'em to curb = extreme, vengeful response regardless of the dreadful circumstances

I use the term exactly for your reasons for criticizing it, because it is emotive and I see the action as reactive. Though you are correct that I am being judgmental--not that I intended that, but I'll admit it.
I personally do not see it (divorce) as a rational and understanding response when done in the first moments after discovery; I think it would be difficult for any emotional being to be rational during such a shock and trauma. Divorce is a major life-altering choice that needs time for it to be rational. The end-decision may be the same. The opposite is not Stnading either. Taking a couple months before making a decision doesn't mean a person is Standing; they may even know their likely decision will be divorce. Kick'em to the curb is an action that is without an out--no allowance for a spouse who wants to stop an affair an reapir the marriage--clearly not an MLCer situation.
 

[Rebel Yell]

Just thought I'd chime in. I'm guessing I'm as close as anyone to reconciliation.
I don't think my wife went as far off the deep end as most but she has been
gone for over 2.5 years. We date, we go on vacations, we have a really good
relationship going, we just don't sleep under the same roof.
IMO the replay has ended, I've become her best friend again.
I think if I pushed she would come back, but I want it to be her choice and
not feel forced on her end.
She was / is the "uber clinger"

[Thundarr]

Why use the phrase at all? The use of "immediately" doesn't satisfactorily moderate the term "kick 'em to the curb." The term "kick 'em to the curb" is an emotive term. Why not say:
How many abandoned spouses do not Stand but choose to divorce immediately?

divorce = rational, understandable response given the dreadful circumstances
kick 'em to curb = extreme, vengeful response regardless of the dreadful circumstances

I use the term exactly for your reasons for criticizing it, because it is emotive and I see the action as reactive. Though you are correct that I am being judgmental--not that I intended that, but I'll admit it.
I personally do not see it (divorce) as a rational and understanding response when done in the first moments after discovery; I think it would be difficult for any emotional being to be rational during such a shock and trauma. Divorce is a major life-altering choice that needs time for it to be rational. The end-decision may be the same. The opposite is not Stnading either. Taking a couple months before making a decision doesn't mean a person is Standing; they may even know their likely decision will be divorce. Kick'em to the curb is an action that is without an out--no allowance for a spouse who wants to stop an affair an reapir the marriage--clearly not an MLCer situation.

I don't know that I would consider myself rational, but the reality is that as I sit here tonight I begin to realize that this past year has been a year wasted.  I never dreamt that the year immediately after I finally finished school would be my worst year ever.  I am so disheartened by all the things I have failed to do over the past year and the ways that I am beginning to realize I have failed my children during this mess.  I have a clothes basket of clean clothes in my room that belong to the kids that has been there for many months.  Several of the clothes in there they have now outgrown.  I ask myself if I actually missed this past year of my kids' lives as I stumbled around in a fog of my own, one made of depression and denial as I sought answers for that which has none.  I've been faking it this whole time and now realize I'm not to the point of making it and I don't even know if I'm close.  I've been so devastated and have handled it so poorly in many ways that it's a miracle I am still sitting here in my own living room and my kids are still with me.  I've kept a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs and clothes on their backs as well as telling them I loved them every day but that's it.  Those are the bare minimum in my opinion and I have done such a poor job of leading them to happiness.  As I walked around my driveway tonight I cannot remember the last time I sat out there with the kids as they rode their bikes, drew with sidewalk chalk and played basketball.  What have I been doing this past year but wallowing in my own pity and depression while I've missed opportunities with the kids.  Would this have been different had I just not been so stubborn and given up right away and went through with the D?  Have I made the right decisions?  Will my family ever be reunited and is it worth the cost of all of this?  If my family is gone forever how will I and my kids view this period in our lives?  Has it all been for naught, or am I being too hard on myself?  My point is I don't know if "kicking them to the curb" isn't the most rational move for someone in our situations to make.

[NoRegrets]

I disagree, Thundarr.

I would say you're a really fun dad, actually, and I'm not just saying that.

About the pile of clean clothes? We all have that stuff all around our house--it's the details of LIFE, like fingerprints on the walls. You just have to have the right attitude about it. None of the messes really matter right now--you were too busy taking your kids out to eat, registering them for school and getting school supplies, getting them to parades--I can't remember all the stuff you've done with them this year, but it's a lot.

That could be a fun exercise with your son and daughters. Just admit to them you're feeling foggy-headed and you need help remembering the fun stuff you did with them this year. That would be a very productive exercise as long as you don't dwell on the fact that mommy wasn't there with you.

What matters is that you were THERE for them, Thundarr. Yes, you were depressed, and YOU KEPT GOING. Yes, sometimes we have to fake it, but I see that as a strength, not a weakness, to carry on even when you're not sure you can.