[hampc0cv]

Mercury,

I agree with the morals.  What is it that makes a person get involved with a married person.  How can they live with themselves?  They have got to be very desparate to pursue a married person.

[mercury]

Also,
The r between them is what hurts us the most, and what we fixate on. I know that mine doesn't love her like he loved me, I know he a pretty miserable guy right now, and I know that the r is doom or at least he is.  I worry that I use my believe that he is having a mlc to justify his r and all the other hurtful things he has done. I fully believe that he is in crisis and not just a WAS.  I am betrayed ever day he wakes up with her.  In the end, there is no excuse for what they have done and there is no reason. In their minds they justify what they are doing in warped ideology and we do too.  They F up.

hampcOcv,
YES, these women and men are mess up. I just can't believe there is so many of them.

[Trustandlove]

back to what rememberer was writing -- I get the bit about him not giving the emotional connection to his family but then supposedly giving it to the OW, but the operative word there is SUPPOSEDLY.  It is almost always an illusion, no, make that it is always an illusion.  It is the in-love-with bit, the infatuation, not the true emotional connection.  Once more of that is required it goes south again. 

[Glimmer]

Before I realised H was having an  MLC, he occasionally used to talk about OW as someone he knew from work. They would meet up occasionally for a coffee after their meeting. She would confide in him about her H.  He would come home and talk about her situation and he told me that she had recently escaped an abusive marriage.  I think her H was violent towards her.I guess My H was the knight in shining armour and she was the damsel in distress waiting  to be rescued on the back of his white charger. My H ever the hero!!

[MelanieB]

Since depression is such a hallmark of the midlife crisis, it seems to me that the infatuation phase of their fantasy relationship (with affair partner) lifts them out of their depression, the thrill and butterflies and all the relationship idealizing that goes with it.  It is almost a transcendent experience for them.  Those of us left behind with our significant knowledge of all the MLCer's history of poor judgement, botched career plans, unfinished projects, prior mistakes, personality flaws, we wouldn't be fooled very easily if the MLCer were to attempt to get by with  minimum effort in our homelife with them.  It just takes too much investment from the drained MLCer while in their depressive state to lift their own spirits around us and they are in no condition to make investments of any kind where the "payoff" (or admiration for their efforts) is uncertain;  we, at home, would expect this person to function as they always have but that is not who they are now in MLC.  They are also suffering from very poor self esteem at this same time.  So they find someone who is easily fooled or superficially thrilled by their attentions and flimsy actions.  The affair is like a drug, it is a form of high they have not experienced in a while.  And for which they get to become someone else and leave all their mistakes and lack of achievement behind.  This feels so good to the MLCer, part of the crisis was sadness over all the goals that they have not achieved.  So dropping the baggage (of goals not reached and people who know the "real truth" of who the MLCer is) plus the addictive nature of the affair, I think this empowers them to blow past any guilt or sense of responsibility in order to leave it all behind.  The illusion they have created doesn't last indefinitely however. 

[JustFine&Dandy]

MelanieB - I totally relate to what you are saying.  I believe my H became very depressed when he was laid off after working at the same job for 13 years.  He worked a lot of overtime right up until they shut the doors, then he abruptly had a lot of time on his hands to think... 

I knew he suffered from low self esteem because he wasn't successful doing what he loved, playing music.  I always told him how talented he was, but it just seemed like he always got hooked up with the wrong people and things would go nowhere.  I have always been successful in the workplace, and I went back to college a few years back and got my bachelor's degree. 

When he became depressed, I believe he tried to self-medicate.  First with alcohol, then pills, then the old girlfriend from high school.  She suddenly became his greatest fan, always going to see him play.  I may be partly to blame here, because I rarely went to see him play because I really hated the bar scene and smelling like an ashtray...  So, suddenly he couldn't live without this person.  Being a single mom working in a warehouse, my H became her knight in shining armor.

He told me he knew I didn't "need" him.  He and OW need each other to the point he is emotionally dependent on her and has had thoughts of suicide when they broke up. 

[In this for ME]

JF&D
Oh my gosh I had about the same thing happen!

He lost his job 2 years ago and it was a biggie. But HE lost it due to his anger issues. Then he had WAY too much time on his hands.

And he decided ON HIS OWN that the music scene was where he was going to "make" it.
He has a great voice but he is no front man. I had people from all over the state sleeping at the house for practices. I sent the girls to thier Grandmothers.

And I never went down to the music room to listen to them play..wives and girlfriends weren't allowed. But somehow he managed to ask why I never came down to listen.

I said no one elses wives or girlfriends were allowed to come to the house for practices why would I think I could do it; just because it was my house?

Regardless it fell apart due to the dynamics of all the peoples lives involved and he has given up on that dream.
Now just to get rid of this ow and maybe just maybe he will figure out how to pull himself together.

[Trustandlove]

Withgodshelp posted this on her thread; I liked it so much that I thought it deserved it's own -- it's something all of us need to continually consider: 

Boundaries:

I want to post something I have learned about establishing boundaries. I really has been the best thing for me. It gave me some control over what I would allow and what I would not allow. I read a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." Here is what the author said about boundaries:


Boundaries are not about controlling others. People will do what they want. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from others. When you inform people, you are simply teaching them how to treat you.....If you dont have sufficient boundaries, you'll get burned and will eventually put up walls to protect yourself. These walls are what keep people out. Boundaries enable us to really open up and be intimate because we feel safe. The bigger your boundaries, the safer and more relaxed you'll feel and the easier it will be to connect with other people.


Setting boundaries is a stretch but well worth the effort becaue of the rich reward: people will respect you. We respect people who have boundaries and we dont respect those who dont. Indeed, we are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps it is part of the survival of the fittest concept - animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive. Like animals, we too can sense boundaries immediately. This is good news. Often, the moment you instill a new boundary, such as "People cant critisize me" you'll either be tested right away or no one will critisize you. People instinctively sense your new boundaries and dont go there. Its a powerful new aura you are projecting.

Strong boundaries enable us to become less needy. We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect - the people who have a sence of dignity and self respect. When you have boundaries, it is easier to attract the right man or woman in your life. And, without them it is impossible to maintain a healthy realtionship.


Hope this helped others as well.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here is another wise post about boundaries that was sent to me:


A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

[Hope for Zen]

I am going to print this out and read it every night.  I didn't know I was looking for this till I saw it. 
Thank you.

[With Gods Help!]

Found this not sure if it relates to MLC affairs but alot of what happened here happened inn out sitch will post it anyway xxx

STAGE 1. DISCOVERY AND EMOTIONS (month 1-3)

All affairs start as a close friendship which leads to connection. There is a lot of romance and fantasy about each-other. It is the stage when the connection becomes emotional. The two AP exchange sweet words and flirt openly. They also spend the day
thinking about each-other and begin to build up a world out of reality (Why we haven't met before  )
At this stage the OP doesn't mind to start a relationship with a married person and don't push for commitment. He is just enjoying this new and passionate relationship as something amazing and exiting.
At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

STAGE 2. CONSOLIDATION (month 3-6)

The A at this stage goes eventually physical which makes it even more powerful and addicting. The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS and spends every little free time to be or talk with the OP. They exchange gifts, talk a lot and get the connection stronger exchanging every single detail of their lives. The WS starts to feel a stranger in his own home, he forgets basic things, neglects his spouse eventually the children.
At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt but he is so much in the fog that the addiction for OP excuses everything. In his mind OP is a "friend" that he loves. The intellectual exchange is great and the passion too. They think they are made for each-other or that they are soul-mates.
The OP starts to project a "future" with the WS, expresses his needs, but not necessarily pushing the WS or asking for divorce.


STAGE 3. REALITY FACTOR (month 6-12)

At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair ! The romance and fantasy world starts to vanish and leave more place to the reality.
The WS's guilt grows bigger and settles in. WS starts to become inconsistent with AP going from clinging to distance, while feeling frustrated and torn. The romance leaves more and more place to frustration, pain and guilt.
The OP becomes more and more demanding but also considers the option that WS might never leave his spouse. The pain, frustration and the addiction become deeper. When MAP is distant AP puts aside her demands just to spend a moment with MAP. As soon as the MAP gives the "fix" the AP starts to be more demanding.
The relationship becomes conflicting like a roller coaster of fights, love and frustration.
At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

STAGE 4. THE AFFAIR BURNS OUT (month 12-24*)

At this stage the guilt becomes stronger than the addiction to the OP whether if the relationship is burned out or because of a D-day. WS tempts to break up with AP but because of his state of withdrawal he goes back and forth in contact with AP. Even when he decides to stay in the M, he is still attracted from AP and does everything to get some attention from the AP (without any intention to leave the marriage).
Some of WS get comfortable with the BS forgiveness and once the dust settles, they temps to contact the AP for nostalgia or desire to see if the AP longs for them with "friendship" excuse or innocent "I wonder how are you going".

*Statistically affairs last at an average of 2 years.