[HeartsBlessing]

Nice article!   It can happen in this way, With God's Help, even in a MLC affair.  I do see some similarities with what happened with my husband back at the time he did his thing.

Thanks for posting, it will help others understand more about the affair in a greater context.

[watching and waiting]

Great Article!
I can also see alot of my H's affair.

Especially this bit:    At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

That is spot on 

Thanks for posting it.
xx

[truth_seeker]

Wow!  Great article!  I too can see the stage almost exactly as it's rolling out so far.  Thanks for posting.  Gives food for thought. 

[HeartsBlessing]

Bumping up!

[Sideways]

Great article!  I see a LOT of similarities in my H's affair.  Even time frames.

I have a question for anyone.  I have wondered this for a long time, but I never think to ask...what is considered the "beginning" of affair? What I mean is,  if affairs statisically last about 2 years, what is the starting off point of that affair?  Is it when they are friends,  when it goes physical or bomb-drop???  If a person could go backwards from that 2 years point, at what stage would the WS and OW be at?  Any thoughts? 

[HeartsBlessing]

Is it when they are friends,  when it goes physical or bomb-drop???  If a person could go backwards from that 2 years point, at what stage would the WS and OW be at?  Any thoughts?

The affair is 'in the making' about the time the friendship starts.  I don't think they are aware it will go that route at the time the friendship is struck, if that makes sense.

I've read again and again; "I don't know how it happened; it just happened"..that tells you they don't know at that time they become friends; that it will go that far.

It always pays to be careful; it's good to have friends of the opposite sex; nothing wrong with that, but you must always watch for the signs that that friendship it trying to go to another level.

The perception beginning to change is something else to watch for; the friendship starts trying to go places, and cross lines it should never cross; is a sign to back away.

I believe that sign appears, when one of the parties' perception changes, but each person that gets involved ignores it...thinking the friendship is 'harmless'..that other people get into affairs.  That kind of attitude is dangerous.

I've had friendships in the past, that tried to go forward like that; and I backed away, recognizing that kind of sign as it tried to happen.

The guys I was friends with; would get very angry when I would back off, but that kind of connection cannot be allowed with me; I'm MARRIED; and I would make that clear as crystal..and they knew; but tried it, anyway...it was THEIR perception that changed, NOT mine.

Most men, but not all men, for some reason, can try to "sexualize" a friendship with the opposite sex; but something changes when that happens; it crosses all boundaries; and takes a person farther than they ever planned on going.

On the other hand; the OW crosses that line to try and control the affairee; to "keep" them for as long as they possibly can, before dumping them.

I hope this helps...the affair doesn't happen right off the bat; it goes through stages; friendship being the first.

[HeartsBlessing]

You know, I was remembering.....

My husband met his OW in December of 1999; it was a friendship to begin with....he "dated" her along, met her at times, took her to dinner and a movie...but never touched her until the final  3 months before the affair ended.

His perception of her changed in May of 2001, 6 months before the affair ended; he started being attracted to her, was using porn to keep himself "pure", and from falling into temptation.

Enter me, in September 2001, busting him; and keeping him from using; it opened him up to be "tested"...he failed the test.

The affair didn't become physical until late October; just after his 39th birthday; when she tempted him; and he fell, not once but three times.

Before then, it was just an EA..before then, it was a friendship; he was lonely, and she filled his need to be made to feel "special".

Remember his perception of me had changed; and I no longer counted; he was with me, but not with me; his emotional divorce from me was complete long before his perception of her had changed.

Now, this doesn't mean he didn't complain about her to me; she was connected to his work; and she was one of two female brokers that got him "backhauls" from various places he delivered to.

I knew she existed, but didn't know anything else was going on.   He'd sometimes call me and complain that she'd gotten him something cheap; and I just listened; validating him, because I understood what he was going through....he needed to make money; and she didn't do him well at times.

I can see the steps he went through; it was wrong, but I can clearly see what happened that led him to the place he ended up in.

Later on, after the affair ended, and OW Withdrawal was complete, he completely rewrote all of the history of that time, just as he'd tried to rewrite our history before; and I nearly fell out laughing at him insisting that he'd taken me to see a movie that I had NEVER seen.

Heck, he even called her three months after the affair was finished; and he never knew that I grabbed the extension to listen in...I cannot tell you how I knew he was calling her, but I did; and was shocked to hear his MOTHER's voice on the other end....and she didn't even recognize his voice; talked to him like a stranger would...and it confused me.

He never called her again; and the little phone book got trashed for good; he destroyed more things from the affair, as he found them.

Much later, when I was ready to find out what had happened, was when I was shown that she had Multiple Personality disorder; had over 118 different personalities; up to 150 various different people she had "compartmentalized" within herself.

It was just like a "Vicky/Nicky" type scenario....I remember asking if it was like that Soap Opera, One Life to Live...and He confirmed that it was.  Hey, I was asking a serious question, trying to understand this, as I could not get my head around it.

That explained the different colored hairs that came from wigs she wore; and apparently, she kept him on edge most of the time, because he never knew who he was going to see when he saw her.

She had problems, alright; and I was also shown he was NOT the only man she was seeing during that time; she was seeing others, as well, that had just as many problems as he did..but he never knew she was "cheating" on him all that time.

I don't know if he ever would have known; unless he'd have run to her...oh, she "luved" him; and wanted to keep him for awhile...that was why she called our house; in the hopes I would answer the phone..I'd have gotten my ears filled; but I never would answer; I would always be steered away; being told "It's her, don't answer."

Later, I matched the number to his little phone book that God helped me to find; plus his cell phone matched, too.

Lord, she was crazy, that one.  They ALL are, in some form or fashion.

I don't know if this will help, but this is, in short form, what I remember from that time

[Sideways]

Thankyou HB.
You were very helpful.  I had wondered about that for some time.  And I see the affair is also a process that I never thought about before.  Just like reconciling or standing , or coming through the tunnel is a process.  So at the time then friendship begins is beginning.  I can see it played out just as you wrote it in my H and OW's friendship.  H allowed it to cross over those lines you spoke of and OW was more than obliging.

So in thinking in my sitch for example, my H has been involved with OW since summer 2008. That is when friendshgip was developed. But I think it became something more in Spring 2009.  So that relationship is going into year 3.  So is it a bad thing that H relationship with OW has gone on longer than statistics say an affair lasts?  I mean, I know everyone is different and I have read on posts of H returning in 3,4,5 years. Just wonder if you also have thoughts on this.  Are the majority of affairs longer?

Thanks so much for allowing your brain to be picked HB.  And thank you to WGH for the good article and for letting me  hi-jack your space for a bit.

[Voyager]

This is such a good thread,
I think there are a number of individual features which can affect time lines, or at least that's what i tell myself.
In my case, my h actually had 2 affairs in 09, one started as an EA in May/June and the other i think almost immediately became a PA in June/July 09

Both were discovered by me in Oct 09 (EA) and Nov 09(PA)  though it's the one that started out as an EA which has lasted the course and now they are living together.
Because my h is OW's manager at work, which also happens to be my place of work too, he was desperate to keep it secret and they only went public in August 10.

I think that the secrecy added extra spice to the affair and probably built up an "us" against the world mentality, plus it's exciting etc.
I think if she had worked in another job, it might have burnt out quicker, my h is or was addicted to secrecy and fantasy (he had a secret life i discovered later) so it must have felt even more intense.
So I'm not sure when other factors come in if the time lines are important, but i think the process it describes is really helpful.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[HeartsBlessing]

So in thinking in my sitch for example, my H has been involved with OW since summer 2008. That is when friendshgip was developed. But I think it became something more in Spring 2009.  So that relationship is going into year 3.  So is it a bad thing that H relationship with OW has gone on longer than statistics say an affair lasts?  I mean, I know everyone is different and I have read on posts of H returning in 3,4,5 years. Just wonder if you also have thoughts on this.  Are the majority of affairs longer?

The affair will last until the MLC'er starts "awakening"..in other words; something has to happen to start opening his eyes to, (1) the fact he is doing wrong(2)the fact that if he doesn't do something, all will be lost.

Until either he begins to awaken OR the OW breaks it off; the affair will continue..the situation has to get so unsatisfying that one or the other will go through the process of breaking it off.

It also depends on how his affair reflects his issue(s)...sometimes an affair is developed and had to "relive" a time in their life that needs to be done right the second time around.

On the other hand; if the LBS throws them out; they can try and continue with the OW; and the affair is prolonged in that fashion.

There is no set time for the affair to end...it will end when it becomes so unsatisfying that it becomes a burden, rather than the escape, it was intended to be.

Statistically, affairs usually run no more than two years; but this is MLC; so, like I said, depending upon the issues they are working out within the affair...it can run a good while.

You're talking to someone who nearly caused her husband to walk away upon discovery of the affair.

By busting him in porn; that was my bomb drop; and it started his awakening process; he was figuring this stuff out on his own.

When I discovered the affair a little over a month later, I went totally ballistic on him; and he NEARLY decided to walk away from me..and he could have; because OW was still in the picture.

He would NOT have returned if he'd walked away.

The Lord instructed me to back down, and allow him the space and time to handle the breakdown of the affair; and I wouldn't obey Him..it wasn't until a few months ago that I realized that disobedience nearly cost me my marriage...never mind the fact he was trying to end the affair..and I wasn't helping my cause by jumping on him.

The Lord worked it all out; but there was a emotional cost that I paid in spades.

My advice to others in regards to handling affairs DOES NOT match what I did....I caused a lot of upheaval that would have avoided if I'd simply calmed down, and watched...but I didn't, and caused myself a great deal of avoidable heartache.

The OW/OM is the MLC'er's problem, NOT the LBS'....and the affair must  be allowed to run its course..the only time to interfere and draw the line is when "cake eating" is involved; this is when the MLC'er is trying to have relationships with BOTH OW and LBS....and is stuck in the middle, wanting the best of both worlds; and not seeming to understand that they cannot have it both ways.

That does NOT mean you kick them out; they can sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch..but you don't have anything to do with them until they choose one or the other.

Even if they choose the OW, it does NOT mean the LBS has failed; it means the MLC'er has a definite problem within themselves..but then, one who has an affair has a character fault within themselves.

This goes back to the understanding that you cannot make one choose what is best for them; some people must choose the worst to understand they left the best behind.

They don't realize that by choosing OW, they have multiplied their problems...and it can come to a point of changing their minds, especially when the OW thinks she has "won"; and starts showing her true colors; which aren't pretty, by the way.

On the other hand, if they choose to return to the LBS, the crisis is far from over...there are still issues to work out; and the LBS questions themselves many times over why they continue to stand for the marriage.

I've been there, too.