[Trustandlove]

Thanks, HB, for adding that. 

I agree about us also having to accept boundaries.  Not only from our spouses.  My other example is my SIL.  She and I have a good relationship, but she has basically set a boundary that she does not want to discuss H.  At least not anything bad.  I have probed to discover why (she, too, is the conflict avoidant type), and found that she was first of all embarrassed about it, about what he had done, but also she felt in the middle (justifiably) and just didn't want to be.  Those are perfectly reasonable boundaries, btw.

So it is my choice to accept them and continue to have a relationship with her, or not, and not have that.  I choose to have the relationship.   I pretty much accept her boundaries, but have also explained my feelings about her -- about wanting my relationship with her and that this then becomes that elephant in the room.  So we sometimes exchange a word or two about it, but basically I accept what to me is a more superficial relationship because I do understand that this is hard for her as well.   I value the r and don't want to lose it.  She also wants an r with me, so does try to see my POV as much as she can, even if she really doesn't do well with emotionally difficult things. 

For me what was important was understanding her reasoning -- I needed to know if she condoned it and thought it was OK, or what.  Turns out she feels embarrassed.  So we go on.  If I overstep I apologise, and make sure to have a long time before the next mishap. 

Also goes to show that empathy -- understanding where the other is coming from -- goes a long way here. 

[OldPilot]

Let me add one thing to this discussion that is somewhat related.

Anger = Unfulfilled expectations.

When we say to keep our expectations low, the above is one reason.
To help us control our anger.
Our MLC'er's mostly have anger, same reason.
They have expectations that are too high.

So this is one of our lessons to learn.

[growing every day]

this is a god topic for me. All my life I have not been able to establish boundaries. I am the ultimate people pleaser! At work they know they can "count on me" because I have set no boundaries and allowed that expectation from them to continue. Sometimes it meant that I put things I HAD to do on the back burner to help someone out. I'm slowly trying to change that, but old habits there die hard.

With my kids I was the ultimate marshmallow. they knew I would always cave just to keep the peace. As I am now trying to establish boundaries with them, they are finding it hard to accept, because I am asserting myself. It confuses them sometimes. with kids, that not such a bad thing tho .

One area that I have realized through my therapy is my relationship with my mom and my lack of boundaries with her has cost me deeply. My mom I have come to understand is a control freak. And her actions have shaped me from a very young age. I did anything to get her attention, the straight A student, a cheerleader, heck I even became anorexic in my teens because I thought it made me look perfect. These actions that started so long ago have shaped me in to who I was today. I say was because I now understand that I lost myself many many years ago trying to please others, but mostly my mom.

In my marriage I was always the one that backed down, when there were bad times I always took it upon myself to "fix" it. I let myself be walked on because I did not establish any boundaries. I am learning what boundaries I need to establish if we do ever reconcile. It's scary for me because again, I am the ultimate people pleaser. My brother said the one thing he wanted to give me for Christmas was a back bone. LOL. But it s true. Having my H have an affair, cut me to the core... and because of it I have had to make serious changes within myself. Boundaries is the one area that I need the most help on. I feel confident,, but then lose that confidence. I'm a work in progress.....

[Rollercoasterider]

It's a great article--and a great Blog, but only the second part of the statement is true.

expectations are what you hope will happen.  Boundaries are what you allow to happen.

She is making tha ll too common mistake of confusing expectation and Hope. Expectation is what you think will happen--you may or may not want it to happen. Hope is what you want to happen.

[UNHAPPYPUP]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences and for pointing out some additional pros and cons as well. I posted in hopes of generating a discussion to expand the topic and learn from it more....so thank you!

I will always be a work in progress - another lesson of the journey - but now one I pay far more attention to.  My journey, my H's journey, my childrens' journeys.  In addition to my own developiong boundaries, I am VERY MUCH hoping to learn what my H's boundaries are, and what I am finding is that he is and always has been a conflict avoider, people pleaser as well.  He doesn't have a lot of boundaries, and a very weak belief system. We actually stem from the same vine in that regard. We both need to establish and COMMUNICATE what our boundaries are, our hopes, dreams, etc... and decipher which are somewhat pliable, and which are more sacred, and respect that in each other.

Part of that, as I believe you alude to, Growing Every Day, is from growing up in our familys of origin - growing up trying to keep the peace, smooth the waters, deal with parents in depression and conflict as well.  Little people pleasers grow up to be adult people pleasers at times.

We were married young, we depended on each other, grew up together, parented each other in some regards,"kids raising kids" I sometimes think, and in the process we never had the time - or rather never TOOK the time - to assess, adjust, readjust and grow.  That is something I hope to have the opportunity to change in our marriage, and if too late, at least we can learn from it and grow independently.

[truth_seeker]

I'm curious to find out how many of us LBS have their MLC spouse living with OM/OW and what their personality type is.  What strategies have you used in deflecting spewing caused by pressure from OM/OW?  Just trying to get a jump start on any potential land mines.  What's worked and what hasn't?  Lessons learned?  I think it would benefit everyone to learn to move forward while focusing on ourselves. 

Thanks!  Here's to learning how best to navigate the MLC titanic and get on the lifeboat before it crashes.   

[Buggy31]

Okay I just learned this lesson.
My H lives with OW...she is BPD I believe.
She's passive agressive in her tatics.
My strategy has been to ignore...and NOT give her any power.
In the beginning of H's leaving I was cordial, very matter of fact, still had convo about R, finances, kids...etc.
When he moved in I went Dark
I'm currently VERY DARK.   I still have to see him for drop offs.   We do not speak but I do not have angry energy during these drop offs..It's more a matter of bussiness.  Sometimes I feel as if we are doing a dance together.  Still interacting in some wierd way but no words.  It's like interacting with a ghost or something.  I do not speak to him because he is very frequently in MONSTER lately and I don't want to be engaged.
Removing myself from his texts has been HUGE.  Making myself unavailable through texts has virtually sent him spinning with his crazy NUTZO-ness being directed at others now.
It has also allowed me to reclaim a SPACE of sanity and MOVE forward.

Don't know if this is what you are looking for but if an MLCer continues to use the LBS for spewing I think there is a point where a boundary is needed...I believe most will know when this is.

[Butterfly]

My h just married his ow. They have been living together several months. I think she is BPD as she is very controlling. She does avoid me and any contact. She tries to prevent h's contact also with me.
Though she hadn't really.

Ive not seen h since Dec 9 th. Only a few texts. I've gone mostly dark.

So far h has consistently come to the house even after engaged and married.
I've hidden.
Not sure how things will be post marriage re: continued contact re: financial issues.
Butterfly

[Shantilly Lace]

Hmm well EVERYONE knows my sitch 

But ow never contacted, wanted to keep H as far away as possible from me which failed.
in fact the pressure she appliedwas what drove him back.
But really he was coming to tea regularly and she decided that they should go out together with the girls for tea one night and then he could come here the other. Didn't last long.
She is envious of my life, wanted it.

Controlling.
But she is sly and is hanging on for now.
She is waiting for me to slip into old habits but I have no intentions of it.  I apply no pressure.

In fact today he was talking about us going on a trip to Darwin  Yeah right not while he's with ow it won't happen as we will be gone at least 6 weeks.  She would absolutely freak.  And that is the type of thing you do when you have a RELATIONSHIP with someone. *sigh*

I thik she is borderline historonic as she is also predatory and this is more of a game to her and she wants to win. 

[HeartsBlessing]

That's his biggest alienator, the illusion of freedom and independence.

The "illusion" of freedom and independence, eh?  You have NO clue how trapped he really is..on the outside; he says he wants freedom and independence; but on the inside; he is literally torn apart...but his mask hasn't "slipped" just yet...it will, though.

This is his means of getting his space; so, hopefully, he can deal with his issues, with very little, if any, interference.

Space is literally DEMANDED during MLC; and the typical MLC'er will get his/her space one way or the other.

Besides that, he NEEDS to live on his own; learning to properly care for HIMSELF; you were NOT put here to take care of him.  And he does NOT need to "take care of you"..he needs to learn to care for you; there IS a difference.

Most especially if he has NOT EVER lived on his own...there are some that married straight out of school; and some that didn't live on their own long enough to learn to be responsible for themselves in a proper way.

I'd have to re-read your thread to see how your particular situation fits in which way; but him living on his own is the best thing for him; until he deals with the majority of his issues; THEN returns to you to finish his journey.

If he comes back TOO soon, the pressures within himself will cause him to run away again; and you want him to return far enough forward and mature enough; that he can take the pressures of dealing with the reconciliation and rebuilding of the marriage.

Sorry for the hijack.