What could cause them to become strong enough to break from OW? And if they do, are they horrified by how they affaired down and embarrassed about how they thought they felt? Or do they still justify the affair and see it fondly but feel ready to move on because it became too much trouble? What happens to their feelings about being "soulmates"? I need answers because if this b**** is going to be a threat to my marriage years after it is over due to their connection in the past, then I'm bowing out for keeps.
I'm not RCR, but I'll give you my take on it...something has to happen that overcomes their addiction to the "highs" of the affair..and causes them to be emotionally ready to end it. What has to happen has to do with their satisfaction turning to dissatisfaction..and the dissatisfaction has to become SO high, they are forced to face what they are doing, and have to gather what strength they have left to end the affair...the OW/OM can and usually do play their parts, too..in making this happen..as they start making demands on the MLC'er, and he/she starts feeling totally trapped within a trap of their own making.
Such as the Knight in Shining Armour becomes the Knight in Tarnished Armour, as he finds the OW has more or less tricked him into something he may not have meant to go so far, but it did.
Didn't we talk about this before, somewhere else? LOL!!
From what I was led to understand, in my case, I, more or less, ended up being the BETTER choice..and sometimes I find that hard to believe, considering that I was giving my husband all kinds of heck after finding out what he was doing.
The only way they would "go back" is IF the addiction is stronger than their resolve. And they may have good intentions but the road to Hades has always been paved with those; sometimes, the LBS has to make a stand, and draw the line in the hopes that the MLC'er will come to their senses and end the affair.
Some do, because they wake up and realize what they are doing, and see clearly that if they don't do something and quickly, they will lose the LBS, and most don't really want that.
It is better if the MLC'er ends it; they do a little better with the OW Withdrawal, mostly because THEY were the ones who dumped the OW, not the other way around....but then again, OW played on my husband's guilt, pestering him, bedding him, and it took something SHE did to end it all for good; part of it was her true colors showing, and he didn't like what he was seeing, as she was the opposite of me; on the other hand, he was replaying a time with his Mom..and the sex complicated matters when it went physical, and actually speeded up his breaking the addiction.
True colors, no matter how someone tries to hide them, ALWAYS come to light, and that can further increase the disenchantment between the MLC'er and the OW/OM.
Remember BOTH have problems, neurotics attract neurotics, and out of those types of problems comes a problematic affair that is fraught with problems, first and foremost, it was born out of deceit and wrongdoing, not to mention adultery.
I believe that somewhere within the OW/OM's hearts is the realization that IF the MLC'er does this with them, they could go on and do it TO them at a later time.
On top of that, the MLC'er knows somewhere in their heart, that if the OW/OM would cheat with them, they will cheat on the MLC'er given time and opportunity.
It is a relationship destined for failure. EVEN IF the MLC'er goes on and marries his/her affair, it will never be a stable relationship because of all that's mentioned above.
From my own experience, I watched my husband go through massive amounts of shame and guilt...and he was angry with himself because he'd allowed himself to get entangled that way.
But it happens when you open doors that you should NEVER open, and us normal people don't do things like that, as we KNOW what would happen if we did...the guilt would be very hard to bear, we would not sleep at night, and we would live in fear that our spouses would kick us out..and that is NEVER worth a roll or two or three in the hay for the sake of something different..or whatever is driving the affair.
I NEVER saw him "fondly" remember that time with OW..all I saw was a deep shame and guilt within him, even as he was going through OW Withdrawal, rejecting me again, working her out of his head and heart.
Those that break down the affair for whatever reason, always go through this season of shame and guilt...I really don't know of any who remember it "fondly"...
Now, they may feel responsible, and in some ways they ARE responsible for their part in it..and that is different, as they are different, and feel guilty for dragging the poor wittle OW into a big, bad affair....but remember them fondly as they are working it out? If he did have any fondness for her memory, I never saw that on him...only what I outlined above.
They DO grieve the loss, but that is not the same thing.
Anytime, you make a connection such as this, even illicit, the person you get involved with, and this is true even in marriage, they take residence in your head, and your heart...and when a final break is made, a grieving is gone though, where you see where you went wrong, and you work out the details of getting them out of your head and heart.
This is different, also, than a dead marriage that is going to be rebuilt at a later time, but yet, the process is pretty similar...the "OLD" is worked out in preparation for the new...same person, NEW relationship.
RCR may have a different take on this, or add to what I've already said.
Questions about the affair/OM/OW
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