There are so many valid thoughts and ideas on this forum and in this thread and in the continuing discussion on Learning’s thread. There are so many DIFFERENT people, with so many situations and circumstances. It is just not possible to compare everyone and determine that what is right for one is right for another.
All I know is that to advocate strictly standing, forever is a huge disservice to so many people. It doesn’t make any sense. And I admit, I am biased. I don’t believe in “soulmates.” When people talk about having some kind of magical relationship with their MLCer, I almost laugh—and I know that’s rude, but we laugh at the thought of their soulmate schmoopies--isn't it arrogant to think we were only ones that could have had THAT ONE PERFECT amazing connection with them? And I can laugh because there was a time in my life when I would have said the same thing. We had a beautiful and charmed life, everyone said so. We had a perfect meeting, a perfect wedding, perfect kids, and perfect careers. I thought I had a great sexual relationship, with that amazing connection, but he still left me.
And I do not place much stock in legal or even religious marriage, but I place HUGE value on a commitment to marriage as a foundation of a family, and it is for that reason that I still have not decided how much loyalty I still ow exH and if I could ever marry again--I have not been tested, so I stay uncertain. But underneath our M and family were huge cracks, in him, and in the way I dealt with them. There are no perfect people, or perfect relationships. And I do not believe MLC is a random affliction. I think it has DEEP ROOTS in fragile psyches. And therefore, every LBS needs to examine and really deal with the fact that the person who was supposed to love them most turned on them, often in horrible ways. And from experiencing different relationships, post BD, I now know my M was not what I thought it to be.
And then you get to degrees. Some MLCers are not truly horrible, by most measures, mine is not, but he did run far and fast. But in each situation, you have to deal with THAT reality. An MLCer that wants to stay at home and be physically abusive is not the same as the one who wants to stay home, but perhaps have a little thing on the side. Is it a little break with reality, and one day they will return, or is it actually a return to a previous reality to which ties were never severed? And this is where I see people make what I think are huge mistakes. My ex was wonderful for about the first ten years, but he started to change after we had kids. Looking at his family, I always saw their narcissism and selfishness and always thought I was so lucky that I found the one sibling that escaped. But I now know that he didn’t. His years with me were his valid attempt to be the person he wanted to be, that he SHOULD be. But now I see the man he always was underneath. I can look back and see the hints and seeds and the signs that I ignored when I thought I had a perfect life, married to my best friend. And the fact that I know more than a half a dozen permanent MLCers like him doesn’t help me, either.
Is it possible he could wake up one day and want to be the person I knew again? Absolutely. But how long might that take and how much work would it take on his part—A WHOLE HELLUVA LOT. Have I ever seen him work that hard at anything? Nope. It took me ten years, with three best friends who are PhD psychologists and my own IC to take off the rose-colored glasses. Like stayed says, we all just had MARRIAGES that fell on a normal bell curve, probably. We want to believe WE were the special and unique ones, but we couldn’t have been, or we would not be here. Could you become one of those great stories of redemption and forgiveness? Yup, but there are fewer of them than there are people who move on. I respect RCR and this forum, but I also think it stunts a lot of people, in many ways. Are people truly standing for the right reasons, or are they standing in FEAR? And until you address every single one of your fears and then decide that holding out for your MLCer is your best goal in your personal relationship life, you are not living, you are WAITING. It is so easy for people to make themselves self-righteous martyrs and stand by their man, but then they are giving up on themselves—they are truly drinking the kool-aid.
And, not all marriages are worth saving, especially at a point where someone has taken drastic measures to kill the love. People do change. In an ideal world people adapt and grow together, but we weren’t given ideal. And kids and other circumstances have a profound effect on relationships. There was no way I could ever know that my ex would make no wiling sacrifices for his kids and would resent every single one he did make. I knew sports and golf were important to him when we got married, and I made them important to me, but I never knew that he would hate me forever when I advocated him giving up his football tickets so we could send our kids to private school. He is now married to a woman who makes golf and Sports Center a priority. Do I want to compete with that? Illness, moving, job loss, all those things usually precipitate MLC. If the MLCer couldn’t survive THAT crisis, will they survive the next? When you get sick and are incapacitated and in a fragile state of R, do you want your MLCer to walk again, or would you rather be in a situation to be risking a new partner, or friends who have proven they will be there? And finally, what about the kids? What lessons are we teaching our children with every single action we take? And don’t underestimate their knowledge and what they WON’T say to you. Are you willing to keep your kids on the same roller coaster? Are you willing to let them eat cake and be a doormat? Is the practice of moral relativism one you want to endorse?
In all things, the only true emotions are LOVE and FEAR. Are you truly standing in LOVE, or are you standing in FEAR? And unless you firmly place yourself in the covenant keeper category, I assert that until you have tried something else, you really don’t KNOW that your MLCer is the best you can do, and I would argue that no matter what, you do DESERVE better—at the very least, someone who will not treat you with the reverence reserved for used Kleenex… Can you and are you willing to name and face all your fears? And the shame that goes along with it? Face the fact that we are all fixers, and fixers have a VERY hard time admitting they were wrong and made a mistake. Are you holding on with the hope that ONE DAY you will be proven right? How much are you sacrificing for that one tick? Can you face just being ordinary? That all you really are is a person who had a spouse that walked away? Of course we all have amazing qualities that make us amazing people and partners to the right people and we are all worthy of love. Are you willing to face your greatness? I leave you with another quote, made popular in the film Coach Carter…
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. –Marianne Williamson Return to Love
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...
BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her...
LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...
Taboo Topics: Dating, Intimacy and Sexuality
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