[NamLover]

Hi guys,

first posting, I know. Been reading here like forever as a stander (h was a vanisher). Just can't get myself to talk about my situation just yet, sorry. But I feel I need to reply here and hope it's ok, y'all.

The thing is, I've had my reality slap only just recently  - and this is MY truth! - when someone on this board stated

(ex) Also said that all the years of being nice and a good husband was just because he thought it was the way he had to be but that he needs to start thinking about himself and not others.
... strangely MLCer's talk a lot about being alone, but SELDOM live alone.

I signed it and turned it round and round in my head and Eureka! that's exaclty what it was with my h that was to chicken to speak up AT ALL, just vanished.
I have finally stopped trying to put squares into circles and realized that I wasn't "The One" as he never ceased telling me (and himself, I guess). I simply was there at the right time at the right place and helped him alter the road from a pretty much hopeless and boring life.
Yes, it is painful. Yes, it is shocking. But, I really, really believe that this is all there is to it.
And all I am clinging on to is the memories of the most wonderful decade I ever had in my life, no matter if and how fabricated it was. I lived it.

Hugs to all.
Hope to the standers and good fortune to those that are moving on.

NL

[Jackolar12]

Hi Namlover the more you post and get your feelings on the forum the better you will feel about things your not on your own in your grief no more, you have all the wonderful people on this forum who are going through their own personal hell to guide and support you, start in little steps bit by bit and before long you will be able to put down your feelings like the rest of us.
"Yes it's all our fault" as they say but we all know it's them projecting blame for their own shortcomings and you must have had a good marriage as he would not have stayed so long otherwise,
They just flip 180 and destroy everything meaningful and hang out with people like themselves in Mlc low life's and take a very long time to wake up and realise it.

You must work on yourself now and try to detach from the chaos as there is no logic in Mlc and trying to make sense of thinks will cook your brain.

Regards Jackolar been standing 2 years now.

[rover77]

http://hiqnews.megafoundation.org/2003-9-23_The_Infamous_Midlife_Crisis.html



previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3706.0

[Bailmor]

rover77,

That was a great read.  It had so much practical information that we have heard before.  If only now our MLCers could read and comprehend all this information.  But we all know at this time they can barely remember their own name.  Thanks for sharing.

Bailmor

[Searching4Answers]

That was really interesting. I wish I could believe that it takes 1-3 years

MLC is something that people should be warned about but they probably wouldn't remember it anyway or they would think that it wouldn't happen to them.

I really liked the comment about them finding a hobby - that is my H, I wish he would have stuck to the hobby instead of moving on to an OW. 

Thanks for sharing rover77.

[Finding Hope]

I haven't posted in here for a very long time. I got to the point where it was just too painful. I am at different place now.

I just read this article. Good information. but, truth be told. We all look for articles. Something that we can relate to. Something that is going to explain what has happened to us. We can all find somewhere, if we keep looking hard enough that one article that soothes us, makes us think that were not the ones going crazy. Something we can hang our hopes on.

But, as time goes on (and trust me), it does happen. Where nothing we read answers all our questions. Calms our fears. It's only when we realize that although we may have made a tons of mistakes in our marriage, this is not our fault.

Day by day, you go from knowing this, to doubting yourself. Questions keep coming at you at a fast pace. It is only when we start taking care of yourselves that the true answers come. When we are able to pull ourselves from the floor and start living.

We learn to appreciate what we have, and not what we don't. We learn that we have worth, and that we are capable of amazing things. Love, trust, truth. We stop focusing on our spouses and start focusing on what really counts. Doing the work to make this situation better for you and children if you have them.

When they say there is nothing you can do to speed this up, change their minds. That is the truth. It took me years to get that. Once I did, I stopped hurting and started living. Trust me, I made many, many mistakes along the way. It was when I knew that my marriage was dead, that I began living. The only one that was hurt by those mistakes was me. I still live with my husband and have the whole time. We still sleep in the same bed and he is still in MLC.

But, what made the difference is I let him go. I didn't ask what he was doing or where he was going. I stopped trying to involve myself with his life. We became perfect room mates. I didn't expect anything from him and didn't let him ask anything from me. I knew that being the good wife didn't matter. He didn't notice.

My BD was 3/9/12. He didn't have a physical affair that I know of but, what I did, and how I changed was all about me. Since my changes, and I'm know that in the beginning he didn't trust them, he has become a gentler man. I stopped reminding him of why he hated me. How could he hate someone that never caused him more pain? And in his mind, I was the cause of all the pain. You know they say you get more bees with honey  Being the enemy wasn't working for either of us. I stopped complaining, begging, snooping (yes, not my finer moment). All the things all of us do or have done. Think about it, does it do anything? It just reaffirms what they think.

Now, I'm not saying to be a doormat. I didn't do that either. I would just remind him that he lost any right to tell me what he did or didn't want me to do. That he couldn't talk to me in a disrespectful way. I didn't go out of my way to take care of him. If he was around for dinner great, if not oh well. I stopped asking him to do anything. You have to take back your power, what you can control.

I didn't get any of this the first 2 years. The only one that seemed to be hurting was me. So, I asked myself, why. Why do you let this man, who obviously has issues that he has to work out himself, turn you inside out. It made me feel stupid and I'm not stupid but boy, I sure was acting like it.

I don't know why I've become so long winded, something that I usually don't do. But, I guess what I'm trying to say, is reading articles, getting as much knowledge as you can will help. But, it is only after you decide that enough is enough and take your life back that you are really going to be able to heal. To stand back and rationally decide your next move. To make the changes that YOU want to make for YOU. That my friends, is when a peace comes over you that up to that point you haven't felt. 

It is liberating and comforting. And though the journey that has been forced upon you is a long one. You are better prepared to deal with what comes next. And there is always something.

The time frame, doesn't matter. No 2 MLC'ers follow the same path. Just find your path and stay on it. Don't let anyone detour you from it. 


Finding Hope

[Searching4Answers]

I haven't posted in here for a very long time. I got to the point where it was just too painful. I am at different place now.

You should post more often

When they say there is nothing you can do to speed this up, change their minds. That is the truth. It took me years to get that. Once I did, I stopped hurting and started living. Trust me, I made many, many mistakes along the way. It was when I knew that my marriage was dead, that I began living. The only one that was hurt by those mistakes was me. I still live with my husband and have the whole time. We still sleep in the same bed and he is still in MLC.

Thank you for this - I get very frustrated because it seems that I am the only one hurting and you are right, I cause myself more pain than I should. My H lives at home too and I have a hard time understanding how he can look at me knowing that he has caused so much pain but in his mind he removed himself from the marriage so there shouldn't be any more pain.

But, what made the difference is I let him go. I didn't ask what he was doing or where he was going. I stopped trying to involve myself with his life. We became perfect room mates. I didn't expect anything from him and didn't let him ask anything from me. I knew that being the good wife didn't matter. He didn't notice.

This is where I am stuck. I don't ask him anything about what he is doing or where he is going but he continues to ask me Part of me thinks that I should tell it is none of his business but then I am seen as b*tch - I can't win regardless of what I do or don't do.

I don't know why I've become so long winded, something that I usually don't do. But, I guess what I'm trying to say, is reading articles, getting as much knowledge as you can will help. But, it is only after you decide that enough is enough and take your life back that you are really going to be able to heal. To stand back and rationally decide your next move. To make the changes that YOU want to make for YOU. That my friends, is when a peace comes over you that up to that point you haven't felt.

It is liberating and comforting. And though the journey that has been forced upon you is a long one. You are better prepared to deal with what comes next. And there is always something.

Thanks for the long post

[Finding Hope]

Searching,

I've been there. My husband use to get so mad if I didn't tell him where I was going or what I was doing. Now, I was respectful enough to tell him that I was leaving but, never where. When he would yell at me, I would calmly remind him that it was him that told me we were just room mates. And that I would tell my room mate when I was or wasn't going to be there, where was none of their business. Then I would walk away. He cant expect not to tell you but you tell him. Its how you handle it that matters.

Your right, you cant win so stop trying. A wise women asked me once, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I chose happy.

It did take him awhile but, he figured it out and started telling me when he went somewhere. Usually as he was walking out the door but it was a start.

I know what your feeling. My husband just told me, when I asked him. Do you know bad you hurt me when you looked me in the face and told me you didn't love me anymore. He said yes, I think about that everyday. But, right now, he doesn't know.

You can hold that against him but, right now it only hurts you, right?

I believe with all my heart that they know later, when they are further along that they know the hurt they have caused. My counselor, who is a smart women told me, if he wanted to leave he would be gone. They don't stay if they really have the urge to go.

Start a journal, write down everything that you feel. It helps. And don't read it everyday (been there). Read it a few months down the line, you will see the slightest changes. In how you handle things.

Pick your words carefully, they remember kindness.

Finding Hope

[Searching4Answers]

It did take him awhile but, he figured it out and started telling me when he went somewhere. Usually as he was walking out the door but it was a start.

He usually tells me except if it involves OW

Pick your words carefully, they remember kindness.

Thanks - I try to do this.

[Anjae]

"In a year, the midlife crisis will pass. Then you can make your decisions with the knowledge that you have given your thoughts time to mature."

If only our MLCers crisis would pass within a year...