[kikki]

So here it is whilst we are believing/not believing in mlc along comes Cotards Syndrome (walking corpse syndrome) in the news.

How the heck can they manage to label and identify this and yet not mlc.

How's that for synchronicity FTT and TT 

This is what I find so completely infuriating about how this 'disorder' is COMPLETELY ignored and BRUSHED UNDER THE CARPET!! ( Yes I am shouting  )

Why?  (Rhetorical question)

[kikki]

Actually I am going to answer why. 

Because it is apparently acceptable to abandon your family and run off with another affair down woman, but it is NOT acceptable to hang out in a graveyard by yourself 

[crazyjourney]

Yes sadly a lot of mlc behaviour is just classed as acceptable it is only us the lbs that can see the madness, well and maybe a few close friends and family.

x

[Braveheart]

Braveheart - you are brave, that is for sure.  I fear an onslaught coming your way...

After what I've been through dealing with MLC I can take just about anything. I feel it needs to be said that this dissecting every move our spouses make looking for clues is understandable when this first happens to us, but to keep at it for years, especially even after the divorce is unhealthy.

[OldPilot]

I feel it needs to be said that this dissecting every move our spouses make looking for clues is understandable when this first happens to us, but to keep at it for years, especially even after the divorce is unhealthy.

I think that this is good advice.
We need to MOVE FORWARD with our lives.

[Braveheart]

I feel it would be far more useful to tell people the truth, what their spouse is going through is most likely permanent, the person they knew is gone and they need to consider their marriage over.

The trouble with this, we don't know what the truth is.  There is very little data & how could there be if the professionals don't even recognize mlc? 

I think we have a good balance on this forum judging from the discussion on this thread. 

I hope my h comes through this & I do know of reconciliations in real life but, I wouldn't bet the farm on it!

Anne PD is personality disorder.

It does not really matter what the truth is, whether it's plain old infidelity, BDP or MLC the reality is they have gone and by most accounts here, they've done so in the most painful way possible. We have to emphasize to new posters the need to get out of the "left behind" mindset that keeps them on the endless loop of mining the past for answers and micromanaging their dealings with the mlc'er. The best therapy for MLC is to let them go and fix yourself, chances are very good if one does that they realize the choice is not "If" or "When" they come out of the tunnel, but that you no longer really care if they do.

[Braveheart]

I think the last thing we should give anyone is false hope, and there appears to be a lot of it on this forum. I don't think the word "When" should be used, because there is so little evidence here or on any other forum dealing with martial issues of this type that any great perecentage of MLC spouses ever do come back. All we can do is lay out what we've all dealt with and how we've got through this

.

When is not giving false hope.

The simple truth is once your spouse has abandoned the marriage and left, infidelity or not, your marriage is over.

Only you can decide when your marriage vows have ended no one else, not even the spouse that left can do that.  Your marriage and commitment to your vows are only over when you say it is.  Depending on your beliefs here is when the marriage ends, divorce means the contract between you, your spouse and the state has ended.  It does not mean however that your promises to each other nor the vows to God have ended.  Your spouse does have a choice to leave but we have the power to live by our own standards and value

I get that everyone loved their spouse, I'd have taken a bullet for mine, but to put your life on hold for years for one who clearly has abandoned you, your children, treated you with contempt and broken every vow is just as much an undiagnosed mental illness as MLC.

I find it interesting that you mention you would take a bullet for your spouse yet standing for ones belief in marriage seems wrong to you?  No one here is advocating putting life on hold at all.  GALing is not putting your life on hold in fact it is quite the opposite.  If you are standing for your marriage the only thing on hold is marriage to another, sex with another person, dating and all that goes with that, but life nope.  No one's life should be that dependent on another person anyway.

I feel it would be far more useful to tell people the truth, what their spouse is going through is most likely permanent, the person they knew is gone and they need to consider their marriage over. They need to be told any chance of R is exceedingly slim if it is a case of MLC and their best hope is to carry on as if this is their new reality.

  Eventually people do merge into the new person they are meant to be.  Just because that new person who has finally been delivered from crisis has now changed and still doesn't want the marriage doesn't mean they are permanently in crisis.  I think it is safe to say that the old marriage is over, however the bond, the connection and the marriage aren't over until we determine that it is. 

RCR edited to correct coding on quote.

Part of the whole "get a life" is to actually get a new one, not just going through the motions, hoping the X is watching and wants the New You back, by their actions they don't deserve you.

There is an old saying, "It takes two to make a marriage". It does not matter what we feel about it, or what our personal stand is on marriage, the marriage is over when the other party leaves. In my case, the worthy woman I'd once take a bullet for no longer exists, the person she has become is not anyone I would want anything to do with if she had been like this when I met her 25 years ago or for that matter today. If I were to stand, it would be only as a monument to the past and a relationship that no longer exists. 

[calamity]

It does not really matter what the truth is, whether it's plain old infidelity, BDP or MLC the reality is they have gone and by most accounts here, they've done so in the most painful way possible. We have to emphasize to new posters the need to get out of the "left behind" mindset that keeps them on the endless loop of mining the past for answers and micromanaging their dealings with the mlc'er. The best therapy for MLC is to let them go and fix yourself, chances are very good if one does that they realize the choice is not "If" or "When" they come out of the tunnel, but that you no longer really care if they do.

I think part of the process is understanding the leaving spouse.  When you understand mlc or depression or crisis & I don't think it matters what we call it--then you can turn around & focus on yourself.  And, like any learning, we cycle back to re-visit what we have learned. 

At first we are in shock--understanding is part of gathering ourselves.  I think we do face reality immediately & that is why we are shocked.  There is no arguing with the empty bed after all.  But I don't think it's useful to say to newbies--face reality!  When we understand mlc we can shift the 'blame' to the one leaving & off the lbs; then we focus on ourselves, then we deal with the reality. 

We always, on the forum, stress that the lbs takes care of themselves first & foremost.  We emphasize that GAL is the only thing one can do.  There can always be hope for reconciliation as long as that hope is in the background.

[alwayshope]

I do get where u r coming from Braveheart, however, I sense some hostility and I don't see how that is beneficial here.  There are many stories of reconciled marriages before, and after divorce.  I'm sure you know this.  When I came here, I did look for hope, but did not come away with that 'sure thing' I was hoping for.  This is a great place to gain knowledge and understanding, because that is something I, and others, were totally lacking when blindsided with this mess.

Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us alive during the darkest times.

As a Christian, and just being who I am in general, I have chosen the long way through this, my H has filed, I've decided to let the process stall as much as I can.  I spend much time every day praying for him.  I hope, yes, but I am realistic, he has left after all, so the odds are not in my favor.  I think everybody going through this gets that. 

I think if we introduced people to this madness by telling them that their chances of reconciliation are slim to none, that they need to move on, etc... They probably would not come here for help and support.  This place has helped me tremendously. 

[honour]

Have you already decided?

OP, I don't know if I've done anything that conscious but I have taken on your sage advice to detach

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

and RCR's advice to newbies in her sticky article Newbies, Read This

Detachment
It is never too early to begin the gradual process of Detaching.

and I agree with xyzcf when she says (Stayed says the same)

The LBSer can learn a great deal during this time if they allow themselves to let go of the concept that the only success is if their spouse returns.

and just two extracts from the insightful article you link to in your welcome message to newbies

Also there is a  detach link below.
http://forums.ivillage.co.uk/t5/Supporters-Carers/Developing-Detachment/td-p/970715

What is detaching
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

What are the negative effects of not detaching
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Being positive and optimistic are good qualities, having such qualities is what helps us survive this trauma but positivity should perhaps be tempered with some caution lest it divert us from what is healthy. Positive is not always synonymous healthy, they do not always go hand in hand.

Detaching is difficult, very, very difficult for loyal, loving, caring people to do and the people who find their way to a forum like this are loyal, loving, caring people; the sort that would take a bullet for their loved ones. For such people detaching feels contrary to everything we think, feel and believe. It feels like we are breaking that promise we made to be there in sickness and in health. Detaching is a big huge pill to swallow but it may be the best medicine for the Left Behind and for the Walk Away.

Our loved ones will survive without us, they are not going to crumple and die. It is not unkind to let them go. If, in years to come they want our help they will know where to look.