[1994]

Being the lighthouse and paving the way...
Could anyone shed some light on this, please? Maybe with articles, threads or even their own versions...When is the time to pave the way, how, how long for etc...What does being the lighthouse really mean?
Only I thought I had sussed until I read a few posts that found me confused...

what is paving the way ? is there an article on this?

I remember reading one specifically about this.... Still thinking it was rejoice...

Well, the phrase Paving the Way is common and so it's not trademarked or anything—I don’t think so at least and so Rejoice Ministries may use it also, but I started using it on my own and so my usage may or may not be different.
I just wrote a blog post to explain Paving the Way.

Thank you...

I remember a Rejoice Ministries article on the topic... unfortunately their content isn't the easiest to navigate.

Nice work RollerC

[BB64]

Thank you for the reply, RCR, and thank you for shedding a brighter light upon what paving the way is about.
I feel very reassured now that I have done and still doing what needs to be done. I ought to, however, keep working on detaching.
Thank you, again!

[ShineOn]

NEW QUESTION

It's me again.
I have two questions...

1. How does everyone handle the amount of contact they have with MLCer when they have young kids? My W is on OW2 and she keeps texting me (really they're for D4) and trying to call when she's with OW2. She never did this with OW1 but she didn't spend that much time with her as she lived 3 hours away and was married and straight.
My W was out of town with OW2 during 4th of July long weekend and is now out of town for this week for work and out of town the following week for vacation with OW2. I would really like to tell her I'm taking this opportunity while she's going to be gone to have some "healing" time for me and D4 and we won't be responding to her texts and calls unless there's an emergency, of course. I'd also like to say that it's inconsiderate of her to text and call us when she's with OW2 and that I won't be a part of it.

I feel like this is the right thing to do but always want to keep myself in check and make sure I'm not being irrational. I have had a mild case of trying-to-make-sure-I-don't-do-the-wrong-thing during this journey. If things get worse I don't want it to be because of something I did.

If I do this W will get angry and accuse me of keeping D4 from her. But in reality every time W calls and tries to talk to D4 on the phone, D4 doesn't want to talk and sits there staring at the phone refusing to say anything. and this last time D4 told me after we hung up that she only wants to talk to W when she's with her in person. We normally have a regular routine where W sees D4 and it really irritates me to see D4 upset when W has these times of not being around. I want to protect her from that as much as possible plus set a boundary that calling us while with OW2 is NOT okay. these are my two reasons for this no contact decision.

So is this a rational thing to do? and aside from this specific situation how do you guys handle the amount of contact when you have young kids?

2. Anyone have any information on when the alienator is someone from their past? I think it's a good thing in my situation (it's the woman she was with when we met) but I would love to hear other stories of this kind of thing or get any insight anyone might have about it.

Thank you so much! I can't say that enough... I don't know what I would do without this place.

[kikki]

Shineon
This is what makes MLC a constant dance on the tightrope.
Every MLCer and LBS and situation is different.

Yes, having children or businesses together does make things like contact and boundaries potentially far more difficult.

I understand you are being twisted in two, trying to do the right thing here - but no contact is for you.  It is not going to change your W's behaviours.  This is what makes MLC so very bizarre.  Most who want contact, insist that there is nothing wrong with having their two lives.  And they are seemingly oblivious to the trainwreck and the pain they inflict on those that love them.

We can't make sense out of nonsense. There is no logic to the way a MLCer thinks.

Whatever you decide to do - will have to be constantly navigated.  It is most unlikely that what you put in place will remain static. 
If you decide you want that week without contact, then do that.  Tell her you will not be responding except for emergencies.
 
There is no one way to navigate this mess that they create.
With children though - MLCers are pretty much guaranteed to throw their guilt back in your face at some point - saying that the LBS has kept the children away from them.  This seems to be part of the script.

Don't twist yourself in knots about this.  At the end of the day - your W is going to do what she is going to do to get herself through this part of her life, despite whether you choose this boundary or not.  Her journey is beyond your control.
I wish that wasn't the case, but it is.

[Ready2Transform]

I don't have kids, but I see doing anything other than direct calling or video phoning a child under the age of 10 or so as just trying to incite contact with the LBS.  It's not like your little D4 can read the texts, so she knows she's just contacting you to parent for her (or this is her not-so-subtle way of keeping you on the vacation with her). 

I would back up what kikki says about the NC - wish her a good time, and tell her she can tell D4 all about it when it's over, or call direct (and if D4 doesn't want to talk, guess what - she won't get talked to, and that will teach her what life without her child is like).  You are under no obligation to narrate your W's vacation with the OW2 to your young daughter.

[1994]

Emergencies only...

Set up a swap time in advance... stick to it.

NEW QUESTION

It's me again.
I have two questions...

1. How does everyone handle the amount of contact they have with MLCer when they have young kids? My W is on OW2 and she keeps texting me (really they're for D4) and trying to call when she's with OW2. She never did this with OW1 but she didn't spend that much time with her as she lived 3 hours away and was married and straight.
My W was out of town with OW2 during 4th of July long weekend and is now out of town for this week for work and out of town the following week for vacation with OW2. I would really like to tell her I'm taking this opportunity while she's going to be gone to have some "healing" time for me and D4 and we won't be responding to her texts and calls unless there's an emergency, of course. I'd also like to say that it's inconsiderate of her to text and call us when she's with OW2 and that I won't be a part of it.

I feel like this is the right thing to do but always want to keep myself in check and make sure I'm not being irrational. I have had a mild case of trying-to-make-sure-I-don't-do-the-wrong-thing during this journey. If things get worse I don't want it to be because of something I did.

If I do this W will get angry and accuse me of keeping D4 from her. But in reality every time W calls and tries to talk to D4 on the phone, D4 doesn't want to talk and sits there staring at the phone refusing to say anything. and this last time D4 told me after we hung up that she only wants to talk to W when she's with her in person. We normally have a regular routine where W sees D4 and it really irritates me to see D4 upset when W has these times of not being around. I want to protect her from that as much as possible plus set a boundary that calling us while with OW2 is NOT okay. these are my two reasons for this no contact decision.

So is this a rational thing to do? and aside from this specific situation how do you guys handle the amount of contact when you have young kids?

2. Anyone have any information on when the alienator is someone from their past? I think it's a good thing in my situation (it's the woman she was with when we met) but I would love to hear other stories of this kind of thing or get any insight anyone might have about it.

Thank you so much! I can't say that enough... I don't know what I would do without this place.

[i can and will cope]

how do you go nc when h still lives at home ?

[trusting]

Anyone have any information on when the alienator is someone from their past?

MLC is a regression, and it is pretty common for the alienator to be someone from the past - a high school sweetheart, etc. 

[DancingInTheRain]

I need some advise please. I am just over a year post BD and have been told that I have a clinging boomerang. He still shows up each weekend to mow the yard, ate dinner here last week, and took the boys and I to dinner last Monday for S21's birthday.

My runaway sometimes responds to e-mails and texts, yet at other times ignores them completely. I only contact him about bills and things that I need to address with him about our sons.

At the moment I am extremely frustrated that he ignores important e-mail or text questions. I was reading in standing actions and elsewhere that because he is probably a clinging boomerang he still recognizes me as the spouse, yet he will tell others that he is divorced, when we are not divorced. This seems conflicting.

I have never really blasted him about anything but find it very rude that he chooses when to respond and when to ignore. I was thinking about telling him that it is very disrespectful when he ignores my e-mails and text messages. Is this a good idea? If so, how should I phrase this? Do I make a point of saying it in person?

[trusting]

I have never really blasted him about anything but find it very rude that he chooses when to respond and when to ignore.

My husband did this for much of the crisis, too.  It is annoying.  Do your texts/emails require a response - are you asking him questions that need to be answered, or are they just informative?  If they are informative, then just let it slide.  Try to let your MLCer control communication if you can, and really unless it is an emergency try to handle things yourself as much as possible.