[1994]

QUESTION - RULES of COMMUNICATION (way of being treated)

My W44 and I are in frequent communication... About 1/2 the time she's very flirty and positive... 1/2 the time she's cautious not to give me "false hope"

I'm certain her fog doesn't let her know how ambivalence is worse than fighting.   I'm always upbeat and flirty

she does listen and acknowledge truth darts

We're about 6 months from bd move out .... Slowly rebuilding bridges

Question:
Would it be ok to say, "I'm committed to things that heal our family (she's heard this frequently) I'm doing my best to only have people around me who are positve and loving... This includes you... You are only allowed to build me up... I love compliments and flirting with you -- you are not allowed to not push me away or down.. I deserve to be cherished and not taken for granted... This includes my parents, d3 and you.

I am aware that this is treating her like a little girl.... She does respond to decisiveness (when it's truthful)..

. We have implemented "rules" (boundaries)... Like I'm not allowed to hold her hand (until "she's ready")... When we physically see each other we have a 30 second silent prayer time (my rule).. I do not contact during the week without agreement (her request)

My IC (mc) commented that honest, sincere and positive boundaries are building blocks for paving he way back home 

[OldPilot]

It would be better IMHO to speak with ACTIONS and not words.

Write all that out here and then live it as an action.
The less you actually verbalize those thoughts the better, as sometimes just our voice can be seen as pressure.

I know it all seems counter intuitive but that is what MLC is all about.

[BB64]

I'd agree with Old Pilot.
Thing is, I found that when I ' speak words' he just looks at me with that 'yeah whatever' look. When my actions speak for me, I get that 'WOW, what's going on here then?' look.
Sometimes, it takes a while for the actions to be noticed, if they are noticed at all, but they go hand in hand with the attitude and the self confidence you emanate. Sometimes, because of the uncertainty, I think our words can come out wrong, with the wrong, non-confident tone...almost as if we don't even believe what we are saying ourselves.

And...if they are indeed behaving like 'dirtbag teens', I think they'd get images/circumstances better than words. I mages and circumstances are harder to ignore than words. I think so anyway. If you think about it, that is how we teach young children, with flash cards. Back to the basics....

[trusting]

I agree also about actions not words.

Would it be ok to say, "I'm committed to things that heal our family (she's heard this frequently) I'm doing my best to only have people around me who are positve and loving... This includes you... You are only allowed to build me up... I love compliments and flirting with you -- you are not allowed to not push me away or down.. I deserve to be cherished and not taken for granted... This includes my parents, d3 and you.

I know in "real life" this might be something you would say when trying to work on a relationship.  If it is MLC, this will seem like pressure.  If you were going to say something, I would definitely take the word "allowed" out and all the "this includes you" statements; I think those are implied anyway. She may not be acting like it, but she is an adult. 

[kikki]

Bringing this question here for Emma Lou

Quote from: Emma Lou on Today at 12:18:02 PM
I posted the details of my story under another thread-newbie, needs support...but, I guess my more pressing question of the day is if any of you have ever experienced no contact from your MLC and what you feel this is caused by and how long I might expect it too last?
BD June of last year, living with OW, or should I say she with him, and was in frequent, regular contact with me up until 6 weeks ago. He got angry with me for disagreeing with him over letting the mistress move in and telling our children, which he never asked me not to do, and ultimately that led to our 18 year old telling him she would not communicate with him until he ended there relationship. They were always extremely close! My daughter said that was the final straw for her.
Furthermore, I believe he is angry that the girls choose not to participate in Father's Day and again feel his extreme silence/stonewalling is an attempt to blame me for that.
In the beginning of this 6 week period of non-communication he was occasionally texting me about simple things, but now absolutely no response to anything I send via different routes. Please understand my contacts have been very minimal and although I did send a sappy e-mail asking my H, if he would explain his reasoning behind dropping off the face of the earth (which I expected no response), I also sent one other about him to assume a car payment of ours since I have since had to buy and new car and can no longer afford both (we divided up bills a while ago, and this is one i agreed to pay but since then our financial situation has changed) but again nothing-not a yes or no. I asked very politely that he just let me know but he has refused to do so.
I'm afraid he will forget we even exist over here! Do you think he is just blissfully happy with the OW and wants me to get the hint? How do I just go on without any information. He has walked away from me and the girls, all responsibility. Someone asked me the other day, "are you married?" I didn't know how to even answer that. I wanna wear my wedding ring but feel like people wonder why. He obviously has forgotten about his wife and two daughters, and is living a completely separate life. I want to believe he will talk with me again someday, but is that unrealistic? e

Edited to remove first name.

[BB64]

I don't believe he has forgotten about you or the family at all, in fact, he rang you tonight, didn't he? (I have read your thread just not had time to reply yet )
My MLC'er ignored me this week after I contacted him and even forgot about taking our son to work with him. I saw him today and with what he had to say I knew for sure that he in fact thinks about us almost all of the time. He has been gathering a lot of bits and bobs throughout the week for the shop I am getting. Mainly bits of wood for the building work that needs doing. He's also put some wood away for my wood burner for next winter (now that's even thinking ahead!). He's also asked me a couple of questions about some of the things going on in my life(shows he's been wondering) and pays a lot of attention when I give away information- although this is new. When I did that shortly after BD I felt like I was talking to myself.

Of course he won't forget about you! How could he!!!!

[1994]

Yes - they do remember... There is amnesia about the pain and turmoil they cause

[Stillpraying]

QUESTION - RULES of COMMUNICATION (way of being treated)


Question:
Would it be ok to say, "I'm committed to things that heal our family (she's heard this frequently) I'm doing my best to only have people around me who are positve and loving... This includes you... You are only allowed to build me up... I love compliments and flirting with you -- you are not allowed to not push me away or down.. I deserve to be cherished and not taken for granted... This includes my parents, d3 and you.

I am aware that this is treating her like a little girl.... She does respond to decisiveness (when it's truthful)..

1994.  It sounds to me like you want to establish boundaries.  Boundaries are for you.  eg/. Instead of telling my H not to text me, I just simply did not read or answer his texts or I forwarded them straight to my sister to decipher what I needed to know.  I just advised him I would not be reading his texts anymore. (They were very abusive)

I can only control me not him.  I agree with the other advice you received in letting your actions 'speak'. 
Hope this helps.
SP

[1994]

QUESTION - RULES of COMMUNICATION (way of being treated)


Question:
Would it be ok to say, "I'm committed to things that heal our family (she's heard this frequently) I'm doing my best to only have people around me who are positve and loving... This includes you... You are only allowed to build me up... I love compliments and flirting with you -- you are not allowed to not push me away or down.. I deserve to be cherished and not taken for granted... This includes my parents, d3 and you.

I am aware that this is treating her like a little girl.... She does respond to decisiveness (when it's truthful)..

1994.  It sounds to me like you want to establish boundaries.  Boundaries are for you.  eg/. Instead of telling my H not to text me, I just simply did not read or answer his texts or I forwarded them straight to my sister to decipher what I needed to know.  I just advised him I would not be reading his texts anymore. (They were very abusive)

I can only control me not him.  I agree with the other advice you received in letting your actions 'speak'. 
Hope this helps.
SP

I'm sure some folks here would think I'm absolutely nuts and daydream of being on a Picknick with the W.

Long story short is W44 cycles through Neutral to Positive... at times she'll slip into negative.

Dumb question.. do you inform them what you will do with unacceptable behavior.. or do you just do it?

[Ready2Transform]

do you inform them what you will do with unacceptable behavior.. or do you just do it?

Be like Nike, and just do it.   Think of the difference between young children and surly teens.  With a young child, you would explain the consequences of their actions before hand, so they understand the outcome of their choice to do the wrong thing.  You take that same tactic with a teen, and it's almost a dare.  MLCers are more like the teenagers, going through changes of identity and testing boundaries.  Focus on you and let her make her choices, but know what your boundaries are within that and what you'll accept into your life.  But like with a teen, don't set yourself up for disappointment with expectations about her respecting your boundaries - but don't make yourself crazy waiting for it either.  Just focus on you, and let her work this out.