[honour]

The existence of a crisis does not mean that those who are having it suffer consequences, or are the ones who suffer the harder consequences of said crisis. 

Think what happend with the banks (not sure if it the same consequences, or lack of, were the same in the US as in Europe - the issues come from US subprime crisis and cross the pond). Bankers, at least over here, are not the ones who are hit by their own actions, regular people are.

The financial, and now economical crisis is very real, but I don't think bankers and financiers are being very affected by it. 

Precisely, the bankers themselves didn't have a crisis, they simply caused one. The bankers still got their big salaries and bonuses and were baled out by governments. It is the same for abandoners, betrayers and adulterers, they are not in crisis, they cause crises. They are off having their sexual relationships, discarding their children, spending money, travelling, telling lies with impunity and living out their fantasies. It is the people who find their way to forums like this that have the crisis, the problems, the heartache, the identity crisis, the financial stresses, the home evictions, the traumas, the questions of conscience, the children to raise single-handedly, the cruel and savage treatment at the hands of lawyers and courts,  etc etc

So when I see statements of fact such as "They are in crisis, we know that.", my mind says, "Do we? Do we really know that?" If I think back to three years ago I sure knew I had a crisis. Not knowing if I wanted live, not knowing if I could work, put one foot in front of the other and not knowing if I would stay sane, would count as a crisis in anyone's book. How did my wife feel at that time? In her own words, "I feel like I have discovered myself."

Are they really in a crisis? Do we really know that? If, as the article points out, they get an easy pass, then what really is the nature of the crisis they are having?

[Anjae]

To be accurate the new York Times article not about MLC. It is about people who, after many years, found out that their loved ones were leading a double llife.

"They were people who had suddenly discovered that their life, as they knew it, was based on a long-term falsehood. They were people who might have stumbled across family secrets on the Internet or found old bills from a spouse’s long-hidden liaisons."

There is a difference between someone who has lead a long life lie and an MLCer who was trying, but nor really managing, to cover their lies. At least mine was a bad liar and I suspected another person months before he left. of course he denied but I did not bite it.

Still, I think the MLCer does get it pretty easy on the end. Or in most cases they do. What is the point of their crisis? Aks those here who have had one.

The bankers were high on adrenaline, coke or addicted to win. One could could say that they were umbalanced. Of course they don't have to deal with the consequences of he crisis they created, we have.

Not sure if the LBS has an identity crisis. I didn't. And I knew mine MLCer was becoeming someone I had never seen before. So, a change was happening. i would had never married the MLC version.

Was your wife the way she is in MLC when you meet her/married her? If so, why did you married her?...

[OnMyJourney]

An article called "I Love You but I'm Not In Love With You" was posted on the Psychology Today website:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/schlepping-through-heartbreak/201310/i-love-you-i-m-not-in-love-you?tr=MostViewed

It was one of the most viewed articles.  Wow, that in itself is disturbing.

I found the article disheartening and is causing me to question my H's abandonment.  I am questioning whether this is just what happened to our marriage and whether that is just how my H felt. 

I know that what Vikki Stark says is not new.  I also haven't read her book "Runaway Husbands."

I would like to hear others thoughts on the article? 

OMJ

[hopeandfaith]

I find it really dismissive.  I most definitely wouldn't be taking myself or my family for therapy with the author.  I expect that I would find her books disturbing too.

I think the situation happens in a lot of marriages.  I work with a lady who said that she was unhappy in her marriage for 10 years but is now super grateful that she stuck it out because she is more in love than ever before.

We are a very disposable society and this article seems to say that it's ok to change your mind and that when you do - it's over.  No one is encouraged to fight for it anymore or to ride the lows the follow the highs.  The article doesn't say much about whether or not the person delivering the ILYBINILWY speech has spoken up before or actively tried to re-engage in the marriage.  Most of us here have found that ours did not.  That is a characteristic of MLC.

[BB64]

It's just one person's opinion and it doesn't speak of the aftermath.

We all know about the BD, but what about what comes after? The strange behaviour, the chaos, the confusion,...
Anyone could have written that article.
Rollocks!

[dbpb]

Read the article with an open mind. I was also one of many who got the ILYBNILWY speech after a 28 yr marriage. Have been divorced a long time and like in the next to last paragraph of the article, my ex thinks we are friends, and we get along fairly well and he gives me a hug on greeting each other, blah, blah.
After reading the article the first thought that came to me was--How do you reignite the spark again?? What changed that made these WAS see us in a differentlight, a romantic, sexual way again? Perhaps someone who has been reconciled can tell us what turned the tide for their spouse.

[Slow Fade]

After reading the article the first thought that came to me was--How do you reignite the spark again??

I agree that society today is too into disposable and easy......it expects the "actions" to follow the "feelings" when in reality it is the other way around. If you don't "feel" like you love your spouse then start "acting" like it. The feelings will follow as you perform the actions. Its called comittment and sacrifice as opposed to selfishness. IMO.

[misdiz]

I didn't get to read the article as I'm at work.  I will later.

But, I will say that I agree with others here that our society has become way too disposable.  You get bored of one person, so hey, lets find another.  It shouldn't be that easy or that accepted.

Every single relationship on the face of this earth hits bumps.  I haven't been happy in mine for probably 10 years now.  Doesn't mean I wasn't trying.  Doesn't mean the whole 10 years was a horror story.  We hit a snag.  I figured we would get the spark back at some point.  I was willing to wait.  To keep trying.  Still am I suppose.

I think people have forgotten family values.  How many people eat dinner together?  It's just not there anymore and it's quite sad.

[kikki]

The writer is a family therapist?  That in itself speaks volumes - how can someone with such an infantile attitude towards long term relationships and families be a family therapist?

[Serendipity]

That writer is a Negative Nancy

Obviously her parents didn't hug her very much when she was little.

Geez lady.