[BB64]

The internet of full of this kind of garbage. I have seen worse, too.
All a lot of these psychologists know is what they are told by their patients. Not only most people aren't in tune with their feelings and thoughts but most aren't honest about them either.
So all these psychologists know is what they hear and interprete it according to their own thoughts and their own  feelings at the time the stories are told.
Their conclusions are drawn out of anecdotes, not out of true, raw feelings and life experience.

I'd bet she's not happy...

[thissucks]

Article was way too short and short sighted.  But there was some quality input in the comments section.  I added this:

I had these words spoken to me by my wife. 6 weeks later I found out about the affair. I know of others who had the same experienced in addition to the people posting here.

I agree with many of the posters here that it is a bit of a cop out. Losing the spark, the feelings, the desire, whatever term you use to describe it, is likely to happen, especially (in my case) during the period of raising children, starting businesses, growing into midlife, etc. Divorce almost never solves this problem. It is a signal that it is time to do the work!! Time to break yourself open and for your spouse to do the same. Then you get to know each other completely and your love can be more complete. Imperfect for sure, but complete and human. That is the next level.

Not sure if I will get there as my wife has filed and is not willing to work on it. But I can envision it.

[xyzcf]

I have read her book and the article and I do not believe her theory. I think she followed 400 or 700 women but  she did not study them over the period of several years which would be necessary when we are dealing with MLC.

I know from other's experience and from my own situation, our marriages are NOT over, not unless the LBSer doesn't want to wait the several years that it is going to take for their spouse to become whole enough, and healed enough that they awaken to see that the thing that matters to them most is their family.

[Snowdrop]

My H did the ILYBINILWY in an email to my daughter, but only after he'd met OW, and by then I guess married, not sure.  He did it after he'd been gone for 6 or 7 months, and then when he met OW, sent a long email out of the blue to D wanting to take the kids away skiing (he doesn't ski).  When I saw the dates later, it made sense. He'd met OW, and wanted to get the kids alone to tell them, or maybe he finally realised he wasn't coming back. Anyway, regardless, in that email is when he did that line.  He has never ever said it to me, or even that we were done, not to my face or even picked up the phone.  He has always hidden behind a few small emails, and a couple of txt responses.  Ouch, dumped by email after 20+years.  Whatever H.

[BB64]

My H did the ILYBINILWY in an email to my daughter, but only after he'd met OW, and by then I guess married, not sure.  He did it after he'd been gone for 6 or 7 months, and then when he met OW, sent a long email out of the blue to D wanting to take the kids away skiing (he doesn't ski).  When I saw the dates later, it made sense. He'd met OW, and wanted to get the kids alone to tell them, or maybe he finally realised he wasn't coming back. Anyway, regardless, in that email is when he did that line.  He has never ever said it to me, or even that we were done, not to my face or even picked up the phone.  He has always hidden behind a few small emails, and a couple of txt responses.  Ouch, dumped by email after 20+years.  Whatever H.

Wow! That ...all of that....just cannot be taken seriously. That is the most absurd mlc story I have ever heard of!
He's mad!
Oh my god!

[hobo1]

I believe that in most of the cases where ILYBNILWY is said, it's because the spouse has already developed feelings for another person.  Otherwise how would they remember how the 'in love' feeling is like.  Most of us have years long marriages, and that 'in love' 'infatuation' feeling has been long gone...  yielding to a more familiar and less intense but stronger, unconditional love.  When prompted, I would say in most normal relationships, passion can reignite when prompted... 

I've been with XW for 23 years, and married for 14.  Did I no longer feel the infatuation like I did when I first met her when I was 20?  Yes.  Did I choose to destroy the family and divorce her,?  No.

The MLCer feels the infatuation and in love feeling with someone else, that's how they know they no longer feel it for you...  I'm not saying MLCers don't have issues to resolve and inner child to feed, but they in fact do feel what they feel. 

When they tell us how they feel, they are not lying.  Not to say they are not liars, but when they say they are not 'in love' with you...  that is how they feel.  Just pointing that out, sometimes LBSers go into denial saying that no...  MLCer is in love with me, they are just sick and lying to me...  No, they don't feel in love with you....  maybe that will change maybe not, but don't kid yourself.

I know that to be a fact with my xW.  She was physically repulsed by me.  It may be all in her head... but that's all that matters.

xW told me her feelings are gone, and they are not coming back...  She wanted to feel for me, and wanted to be in love, at first she said it'll takes a little time...  but then decided that it can never come back.  To me, love is a choice, if I will myself to love someone, especially someone I care about, I can...  To her, it's an elusive thing, well beyond her control.

How scary is that?  I have no control over whether you love someone or not...  Say she finds a new husband, what's to say she won't lose the feeling in two months...  How about my poor kids, what if she loses 'feelings' for them and can no longer love them.  If everyone thought that way, what kind of society would we have?

[Serendipity]

My H had no problems being physically intimate with me. As a matter of fact, our sex life was the best it had ever been the year leading up to BD. so when he told me ILYBINILWY, I was shocked.  Obviously there is something there. Ugh.

(When he wasn't having ED problems. Do you think that was because he was in the process of disconnecting from me? Come to think of it, it makes no sense)

[living with Hope]

Just to add my two cents here,

I think hobo1 makes a good point. I too think that in my spouse's case, he had been in a major depressive episode leading up to bomb drop where he said he didn't love me right. In hindsight, I have found that he was out with another person. I think that he did start to feel something.  This was different from his normal depression so therefore it had to be me that was the problem.  He also had very low T that was discovered just prior to BD and that was causing him to have issues in the bedroom. The Doctor prescribed Testosterone and other meds to help with this.  I think he does see the correlation to that being a problem with us. He equates it that I was not his cup of tea anymore. (lol).

So I am not sure if it is disconnecting from you in that matter brokenheart but a matter of he had a lot of forces working against him within and he needed someone else to shift that blame to.   You happened to be the lucky recipient. (well unlucky).

[Braveheart]

I believe that in most of the cases where ILYBNILWY is said, it's because the spouse has already developed feelings for another person.  Otherwise how would they remember how the 'in love' feeling is like.  Most of us have years long marriages, and that 'in love' 'infatuation' feeling has been long gone...  yielding to a more familiar and less intense but stronger, unconditional love.  When prompted, I would say in most normal relationships, passion can reignite when prompted... 

I've been with XW for 23 years, and married for 14.  Did I no longer feel the infatuation like I did when I first met her when I was 20?  Yes.  Did I choose to destroy the family and divorce her,?  No.

The MLCer feels the infatuation and in love feeling with someone else, that's how they know they no longer feel it for you...  I'm not saying MLCers don't have issues to resolve and inner child to feed, but they in fact do feel what they feel. 

When they tell us how they feel, they are not lying.  Not to say they are not liars, but when they say they are not 'in love' with you...  that is how they feel.  Just pointing that out, sometimes LBSers go into denial saying that no...  MLCer is in love with me, they are just sick and lying to me...  No, they don't feel in love with you....  maybe that will change maybe not, but don't kid yourself.

I know that to be a fact with my xW.  She was physically repulsed by me.  It may be all in her head... but that's all that matters.

xW told me her feelings are gone, and they are not coming back...  She wanted to feel for me, and wanted to be in love, at first she said it'll takes a little time...  but then decided that it can never come back.  To me, love is a choice, if I will myself to love someone, especially someone I care about, I can...  To her, it's an elusive thing, well beyond her control.

How scary is that?  I have no control over whether you love someone or not...  Say she finds a new husband, what's to say she won't lose the feeling in two months...  How about my poor kids, what if she loses 'feelings' for them and can no longer love them.  If everyone thought that way, what kind of society would we have?

I think you nailed it TB, they really can't come up with that line unless they are already feeling it for someone else. I believe there is nearly always a OM/OW well before BD. Even if one does not show up until much later, we may never know about the one that may have scampered when our X's scared them off with wanting a commitment.

[BB64]

Mlc is a bit more than just about an affair and falling for someone else.
I don't believe at all that there is or was another woman in my mlcer's life. They fell out of love with themselves so they look for change and that may not always include another person.
My mlcer is involved with drugs and obsessed with money.
That's is his rush....and it's....stunt planes, parachute jumps, dirtbike etc..etc...
Although they all go through Mlc, they go about it in different ways.
Some go mad, some withdraw, some linger at their own pity party, some act completely stupid. And there are the lbs reactions and responses....different circumstances, different consequences etc..

Not every mlcer is an adulterer.

They are all kinda deluded, though...