[panda]

Just to add, in a conversation with H I asked him 'If I was doing what you are, what you would you do?'...He said 'Clearly you would have to leave'.....So he recognises the behaviour is wrong, but still thinks about this all in the third person as if he isn't doing it at all! 

[Songanddance]

Ah but my H said the opposite..
When I said that if I openly carried on with another man and taunted H with it and still wanted to live at home - he would boot me out. (He threatened to do so when I had my brief fling - in fact his words were, and for the last 15 years have been etched on my brain " Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pack your bags and kick you out on the street for good and don't think you will be able to see the children ever again!")
So when I reminded him of that his response was " Ah but I didn't kick you out in the end"
" NO because I stopped immediately and have, for the last 15 years apologised and shown you how sorry I was and am. The difference is  you haven't stopped and are still determined to see her. So would you have put up with it if I had carried on? "
To which he turned round and said " Yes!!!"

Talk about denial!!!!!!!!

[Searching4Answers]

Just to add, in a conversation with H I asked him 'If I was doing what you are, what you would you do?'...He said 'Clearly you would have to leave'.....So he recognises the behaviour is wrong, but still thinks about this all in the third person as if he isn't doing it at all! 

LOL........panda 

I had the exact same response from my H. He would in no way tolerate what he was doing if it was reversed!!!

[ForeverHopefulOne]

S&D, it is so difficult to live with a MLCer; especially one that refuses to leave when asked.  Your best bet is to detach as much as you can; try to ignore his behavior (as hard as that may be), and treat him like a roommate.  I know that it is a lot easier said than done, honestly, I have A LOT of respect for you LBS' that live with your MLCer.  Do you have a strong support system?  Are there places you can go should you feel the need to escape for a few hours?  I went to my sister's house; she was my angel!!!

Do we ever know if they are truly going through MLC while they are in the process? or is like most things that we don't really know until we can look back at it?   

S4A, all of us LBS' asked ourselves the same question - "Is it really MLC??"  We all question the process from time to time.  When we don't see much movement, or when our MLCer has started convincing the LBS that what he is saying is true - we question if this is MLC.  It will become much more clear as time goes on, and as you detach more.  The important part is to work on yourself - learn to love who you are again - learn to do things for yourself again - enjoy being with yourself .

[holdinon2hope]

Had a good weekend, S11 n I went down south Mo for baseballall-star games with best friend n 2 of her kids. Was hot but it was nice to get away. H text a cpl times and I'm still the one that pushed him away and didnt let him get revenge on the guy I had slept with during my 1 time 3 min revenge affair... I had a concience and got scared then left..cheating isn't my calling lol. N the 1 guy I was talking to he didnt get revenge on him either..for me talking to him, that'sit. H was saying he can tell I havent changed and thatI didnt answer his text until hrs later cause I was to busy with my new life and or my new man. How do u explain ur waiting on ur H to get better, that ur not messing around yet ur not sitting around dwelling on what he is doing with Ow.? It's like u answer to quick u must have been on ur phone and if u wait to long ur messing around. I dont understand...what is it this one time H wants from me? I miss him and want him back home but this is crazy... H alsi said this weekend is his with our S11 and I states he had a bday party n sleepover and H said what IM not as important as a party? N threw a fit n now thinks he isn't gonnatell me where he is taking our S11..he has lost his mind if hr thinks I won't know where my son is... How do I go about this all?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3733.msg225026#msg225026

I am responding on your thread.

L

[living with Hope]

Question - Does anyone have any insight into why they run from their children too?   

My husband blames me for his lack of relationship with the children. ( I do know it is not me but it hurts anyways).  He has always seem to maintain some sort of contact with them but now he is avoiding them and limiting his contact with them. 

[trusting]

I think it is mainly just wanting to run from their former lives and from responsibility.  My H has all but ignored our kids for the past 4 years and has not acted like a "real" dad when he is around them.  He basically told me once that he didn't want the responsibility of being a dad.  Prior to MLC he was a great dad.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I agree with Trusting; also, the kids are another reminder of what they are doing wrong, i.e., abandoning the family, so they avoid them in order to avoid feeling guilty. 

[living with Hope]

Intellectually I grasp this but now that I am living it, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how he is running from his children.

I have guilt, shame over everything.  How my marriage fell apart, how I must have failed as a wife,lover,friend , how now I am failing my children as I cannot even provide for them the life they deserve as innocent parties to all this crazy.  I don't want the cycle to continue for them.  It is bad enough that my husband felt emotionally abandoned by his parents, he has now abandoned emotionally and physically his children.  I have such guilt over this. 

I can't seem to escape the guilt and shame I feel.  There is nowhere I could run to or hide because it is in me. I can't seem to quiet the inner voice that says to me to love, pray and try to cope with all this crazy. How do they quiet the voices, how does the "love" of another quiet the noise.  I am having trouble understanding but yet it has to be true or otherwise this wouldn't be happening, would it?

[trusting]

LWH, I have struggled with guilt for much of the crisis too.  It is unfounded because I had no way of knowing my husband would have a crisis, no way of knowing his childhood issues would cause him to go crazy someday.  I have felt enormous guilt for having picked this man to be the father of my kids, to pick a man who would abandon them and put this ugly shadow over their childhoods, to allow my kids to be exposed to such pain and sadness.

I am getting better about not feeling guilty because I do keep reminding myself it is not my fault.  I truly thought I had married a really great guy, emotionally stable, full of integrity.  Indeed, he was like that for the almost 18 years I knew him before the crisis hit.  Unlike an MLCer whose guilt keeps them running, it has caused me to really work on my relationship with my kids, trying to minimize the pain for them as much as I can, etc.