[jasmine snow]

My H now is acting more kind and caring towards me, it's been 3-4 weeks like this now...
example
- i was not well, and one night he walked down to the garage to buy me some medicines
- he offered me drinks, made me sandwiches , invited me to watch TV programs with him (i sat in different room doing my own thing)
-he bought me b'day card and said "Love....his name"
- smiles at me every time i walk pass him or into the same room (living room, kitchen,etc)
-offer to help out more
- get off TV to help me with little things right away
- when i was not well, he offered to help finishing all the work in the kitchen (clean up,etc) and told me to have early night
etc...

what is this ?
I'm still keeping my distance as when i was too friendly, he backed off...

[Upwards]

My H cycles between real remorse & guilt - he seemed to be doing a lot of "facing up to things" and facing his demons, he begun putting himself in my position and genuinely seemed very remorseful and like he was moving forwards but he's run for cover again and gone back into guilt mode.

[CallanG]

Hi Upwards

Mine did the exact same thing , but like yours got scared and ran back . I think they really do try and avoid rock bottom and the pain .

Callan

[Medusa]

Mine did the exact same thing , but like yours got scared and ran back . I think they really do try and avoid rock bottom and the pain .

I haven't seen any remorse (but lots of guilt).

Regardless, I agree that they try to avoid their bottom. Or they bounce. I can understand it having hit my own bottom through this process. I went through the depression, for awhile I drank too much, and then I realized what I was doing to myself and straightened up and am still working on myself. The difference between us is that we are not in the same kind of fog as them: we are more self-aware and are brave enough to address whatever our problems happen to be.

[Darth Obo]

1. Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.

Yep...When she realizes she has been causing pain or being "mean", she reaches out to make up / T & G; although could be guilt too. Hard to say! She will try to "comfort" me though!

4. Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".

I got both of these. Actual phrase was "Sorry I keep hurting you". However, asked that I not hold her EA(s) over her head and make her pay forever!

5. Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.

Again, I sense both of these in her! She beats herself up about things she has done and how she has acted but also worries about self-image and how we look as a couple!

8. Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
Guilt leads to self hatred.

Definitely self-hatred right now; or at least sense she doesn't like the person in the mirror!

This seems to be a reoccuring theme with H; at BD he said that he was going to brutally selfish, not having consideration for anyone but himself. He warned at the time that this would be difficult for me and maybe I should leave. Obviously, I didn't leave and because I didn't leave he has taken this as 'it is my choice to go through the pain'. H has brought this up numerous times when I express my pain to him saying that 'i warned you'. Do you think that his 'warning me' was a way to side step responsibility for what he is doing?

Ok, I got something similar to this. Early on, she did the usual script and "it's my time now" etc. When I exposed / busted EA#2, she said she was hoping I would get fed up and hate her enough to leave. She didn't want to do the dirty work. Said I should "hurry up and leave before she did something that would really hurt me".  I didn't give it much thought at the time but now...It's like she knows she is behaving badly and although doesn't want to she can't stop it! Goes in line with something Albatross posted a while back; they must follow their emotions.


OBO

[SSG]

Ok, I got something similar to this. Early on, she did the usual script and "it's my time now" etc. When I exposed / busted EA#2, she said she was hoping I would get fed up and hate her enough to leave. She didn't want to do the dirty work. Said I should "hurry up and leave before she did something that would really hurt me".  I didn't give it much thought at the time but now...It's like she knows she is behaving badly and although doesn't want to she can't stop it! Goes in line with something Albatross posted a while back; they must follow their emotions.


OBO

OBO, while readying my H secret messages on FB to the OW...he wrote "I am trying to make 'wife' so mad she will leave me.
The date of this message coincided with the monstering he was doing at the time...this was months before BD. 

After BD, when we could still talk...I asked him were you acting so hateful towards me hoping I would leave?  He looked me right in the face and said 'no'.   

SG

[Upwards]

My H told me that he was mean to me because he wanted me to walk away from him because he felt so much guilt & couldn't handle it however he said that he didn't really want me to walk away he just didn't know how else to handle the extreme guilt that he felt.

Monster is a projection of their own feelings, absolutely not personal!

[Medusa]

I asked mine if he was doing all these hateful things because he wanted me to be the one to file for divorce. He had to think about it before he told me no.

Liar.

[riverbirch]

What is hiding your face in a pillow? Guilt or remorse?

Oh wait that could be thinking of all the good times he's had too and needs to hide his face.

[Searching4Answers]

My H cycles between real remorse & guilt - he seemed to be doing a lot of "facing up to things" and facing his demons, he begun putting himself in my position and genuinely seemed very remorseful and like he was moving forwards but he's run for cover again and gone back into guilt mode.

The lack of empathy drives me crazy - I guess they have to shut that down in order move forward.