[in it]

DaRealist:

It's a natural thing when you love somebody! Don't be too hard on yourself.

You have to take a look at yourself that's all.

It's hard to be happy around someone who is going through this and not have it effect you..we aren't robots. And it's hard to try not to fix what's wrong.

[toughtimes]

I would love to have my h come home and we could talk through all the things I have learned and I could help him in the way I am trying to help myself. But, that doesn't work, h and I tried to help each other but failed miserably because as we all now know, it's up to the individual to fix themselves. We need patience and focus to go on us and our children. Universe or God has our MLCer's backs, lets trust it will work out just right.

Hugs TT xx

[Albatross]

I came to this realization, too.   And I realize that I felt responsible for her happiness too!  That's why I jumped through so many hoops after BD.   Maybe that's where the codependency was.   I wanted to protect her and make her happy.

Ask self what are you was before her MLC, there is answer about your self. After BD is natural to help, salvage spouse. But when you learn that is her personal crisis and she blame you for her crisis, you can't help her because she see you as enemy, she is victim, you are abuser from her point of view.

So, make introspection of self how was you are before her crisis. As I read what you wrote I did not see any maladaptive codependency in it.

[Medusa]

Does this make me co-dependent and is this a bad thing?

Ha! Co-dependency is a lot deeper than just wanting to be with the person you love. A lot of it is about control.

I was thinking about this yesterday and have formulated the theory that the MLC makes those of us who are Standing co-dependent, at least in the beginning. We're sitting here trying to figure out what's happened to our lives and then we start grasping to control things that are totally beyond our control because our lives have been totally upended. We start breaking the co-dependent cycle when we are able to accept what's happened to us and look to ourselves. Its hard, its painful as heck, and its also truly necessary for us to become the best people we can be.

Hate to be cliche, but the adage about letting something go is very apt. Not just our MLC spouses but ourselves. What I'm learning is that by setting myself free, I am able to take the parts of me I like and keep them. The rest is just who I used to be.

[DaRealist]

We were so close.  We did everything together.  I started expecting that we'd always do things together.  At some point, she stopped wanting to be around me as much, but didn't tell me.  As she started to pull away, I pursued...sometimes angrily.  I didn't know what was going on.  In all fairness, I wouldn't have believed her anyway.

I'm not one of those guys that have a lot of guy friends.  I have a couple of good ones, but I relate more easily to women.  I like the "best friend" aspect of our marital relationship and I can't imagine being in a marriage where I hang with my boys, she hangs with her girls and we meet somewhere in the middle to raise the kids, pay bills and have a date night every once in a while.

This is one of the things I am changing about myself.  If she or someone new doesn't want to watch tv together...ok.  If she doesn't want to read books or spend the day with me that's fine.  I think...  I'm kind of afraid that she'll come back and want to do her own thing (without me) and at some point I refuse to accept it. 

I think I just spelled out C-O-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-C-Y    Or maybe, I created an environment where she became codependent to me.

[in it]

In all fairness, I wouldn't have believed her anyway.

Yep- that's what happened to me..I simply would not believe he didn't want a relationship..I was ego driven I guess..not that I think I'm all that.

 I thought he'd want the family somewhat intact .Nope-wrong about that also.

This is one of the things I am changing about myself.  If she or someone new doesn't want to watch tv together...ok.  If she doesn't want to read books or spend the day with me that's fine.  I think... I'm kind of afraid that she'll come back and want to do her own thing (without me) and at some point I refuse to accept it

Control is a tough thing to give up..everybody has this to some extent ..that you are working on accepting if someone doesn't want to watch tv etc is good! When you stop taking it as something against YOU. You feel much better that they are happier doing something else.

(In blue) This is why we take this TIME to work on ourselves. You are doing great!

[31andcounting]

DaRealist your comments really struck me.  My H would always say (always as in these last 6 or so years) "You need to do things on your own, with your girlfriends"  or whoever.  I need .......but yet he never went off on his own until the crisis, we too always went out together.  I would sometimes "watch a different TV program than him" and he would  comment, "why don't you watch with me??   I could not figure out what he really wanted? with me or not with me??  I think he was trying to figure it out himself. I think maybe your W is "doing it differently" just trying to see what fits??  hard and very hurtful I know   I think marriage can create an environment all on its own, you did nothing!
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[Albatross]

Counter-dependency

Left untreated, co-dependency can ruin relationships. There is a danger that when things do come to a head or as another form of coping, counter-dependency can result. In a relationship, there is often one co-dependent and one counter dependent person. Counter-dependency is the opposite side of the coin. Symptoms include emotional aloofness, inflated sense of self-esteem, blaming of others, is a people controller and victimizes before being victimized. Sufferers tend to have been abused as children where co-dependency is usually a result of neglect. Many co-dependents in their need to please see the symptoms of counter-dependency as a potential cure for them and many couples reverse these roles in the life of a relationship. People with counter-dependent behaviors often struggle with creating appropriate boundaries.  Their need for protection while growing up was so strong that they had to create walls instead….counter-dependent individuals are often less in touch with their feelings.

Yeah. Codependent when hit MLC become Counter-dependent ? How interesting ? Just opposite. This can be very interesting !

[in it]

I think due to lacking so much self esteem (for me anyway) might lead to the counter-dependency thing but the more I'm made aware of this..I don't want to become an @$$hole like him.

I'm focusing on interdependency in relationships.

I found this about healthy self esteem.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129

Thanks Albatross you really keep my brain working!! 

[31andcounting]

Agree   
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