[Split open and melt]

First NC with my wife on NYE in 15 years. She's grazing in "greener" pastures.

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[Returned]

I was married for 28 years, I am now 26 months post BD, D was 4 months ago, xH was a non clingy boomerang. H always initiated contact every 1 to 2 weeks since BD. Recently he has been verbally abusive and cruel, I have been extremely polite and I decided it was not in my best interest or that of my children to continue communication. I am now No Contact x 6 weeks. No contact was not something I wanted but I have decided that there is no justifiable reason to allow myself to be the victim of psychological cruelty.

Things my H said:
You are old (and then he pointed at a wrinkle)
The children are grown, I don't need you anymore. You are no longer useful to me.
Wash your face (when I was crying)
It is not in my best interest to stay with you. She can help my career. Her family likes me and they have connections.

Recently H had come in sleep at  my house and said: "I am not here to see you, I am here to see them"

No contact was not planned, but after a few very sarcastic emails he sent me and some manipulative and misleading statements he made to friends which distorted facts, I realized that it was for the best.

[in it]

Yes- I'm sure most Mlcer's look at it as us "pouting" or being angry while they are being prevented by whatever boundaries are being enforced to whatever degree needed.

BECAUSE of course this is all about them.

What they fail to see is the total lack of respect they exhibit through actions and or words. After all if they are treating us this way what is our loss to begin with? They can't or won't listen to reason.

We have to realize they were gone a long time ago way before BD happened and nothing we could have done would have saved the relationship.

The focus for most of them seems to be more what MONEY and things they may lose due to thier decision. They have NO ability to look at the bigger picture.

NC is PROTECT us from anymore damage being inflicted. I truly feel this is the ONLY way for us to get a better perspective on the situation and to examine the relationship in hindsight.

Most of us focus on the good times and loss of a family whether it's a husband and wife or an entire family. This is the grief stage. It is necessary in order for us to cry GET SLEEP take care of ourselves and get stronger. And it may take a really long time do not rush yourself through this.

Then examine ourselves and gain a greater understanding of who we are and make the changes necessary to become someone who may make sound decisions about what kind of relationship we would like to see in the future. Whether with this person or someone else or maybe just get off the roller coaster for a while and spend time with ourselves, our children, and friends and family that do support and respect us.

Many of us may find out this will be OUR decision in the end whether we ever want anything to do with THEM.

I have found out who my friends are through all of this. And I am making new friends who are supportive of my situation.

 I haven't much family that's why I clung to the situation for so long. All I ever wanted was my own family. BUT I've made every mistake known to man in regards to this. I should have put an NC boundary in place right off the bat. But I was focused on saving the family- not myself or the kids. HE's not the entire family.

But this wasn't my choice and I was forced to make the best of it. I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it.

What's that saying?

"God's not finished with me yet ..I'm a work in progress"

For those of you who have your children with you. I can only pray God will help  you through this. But you have to get off the roller coaster and focus on you and the kids. They are truly the lifetime relationship. You are the example of what how you would want THEM to handle the disrespect that's being shown.

After all in the future if this happens to them? Which one of the two of you do you think are going to be able to help them and advise them on how to conduct themselves.

These children deserve respect also and if they are old enough to know the TRUTH IMHO it's the only way to explain this to them.

MLC isn't an excuse..this could have been a transition instead but one or both people failed to work out thier own FOO issues which may have led to some character flaws to put it mildly. Lack of communication doesn't help. Please try to stop the cycle for the next generation.

Conducting yourself with some grace and dignity is essential in the situation.

As far as assets? Let the lawyers handle it.

This too shall pass. Protect and think of yourselves and what your next move is.

((((Hugs))))

[in it]

Bump

[leftylulu]

In 30 days we will have been in NC for 4 years. I'm glad it worked out this way or I could see myself being stuck all wrapped up in his crap, STILL.

Now it's great. I think of him often with absolutely no anger or sadness just remembering the love we shared. I have completely forgiven him for his behaviors which set me free from all anger and resentments toward him.

I hope everyone can get to this place because life can be full of joy and happiness when we let go.

take care,

Lulu

[Split open and melt]

Great post In It. Doing my best to live by those words and it's helping. Feeling better day by day.

[Braincell77]

I have gone NC as well since Nye and Suffered 3 days of threats regarding not having access to the kids. I also have had to go NC with D15. This is only temporary but I have been used by D15 who has been playing us both off in order to gain more freedom. I know everyone is going to say she is only a kid but she has been hanging with OM and W as they have allowed her to go to the pub with them. She needs to learn a lesson as well to prevent her growing up like W.

I am now getting voicemails and W has sent texts saying she has apologised via Vm but I have not read the whole text as I think it will set me back.

Who knows she might even be trying to reconnect. Either way I am determined to go at least three months Nc as I no longer wish to cycle with her anymore. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[in it]

 I think this is what they thought I would do..the D's have shut me out so I would go to the ex to figure out what's going on. It ain't happening. That connection has been CUT.

A goal is a good thing! Setting time limits helps YOU to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't read the text- this is a real good indicator that YOU are not strong enough yet.

In the meantime- focus on what YOU need to do in order to garner respect from all of them. This is no easy thing to do. I've been NC with both of the D's for about 8 months now.

They were my life before all of this.



GOOD FOR YOU!

[Braincell77]

I read the text....... She is apologising for saying I could not see the kids. She then said I have to text her back by 9 pm to confirm I will have the kids as normal or she would tell them I did not want to see them again. I did not read it until today so missed the deadline. I would not have responded anyway as I am sick of her threats. She also said that if I did not respond I will never hear from her again.

This is what she does. Gives a little then is just a nasty b#tch.

She did apologise for the hurt caused by her behaviour as well.
 I will just continue with NC. I think I have to really or she has the power back. 

Not sure what is going on with her. She knows what an amazing dad I am. Is she just using the kids for control. Maybe OM is getting pissed as without me the babysitter is unavailable and there will be no more money from me.

I am even more determined to hold out now. When will she realise that threatening me just makes her life worse.

She really is acting so badly right now. Sometimes I doubt it is MLC until she acts this way. She was so lovely and now she is nasty beyond belief. I hope the kids and others start seeing what a monster she has turned into.

If I was OM I would run a friggin mile!!

[in it]

She also said that if I did not respond I will never hear from her again.

You can only wish....

Don't give away your power is right!

OM needs to buy new sneakers...dumb bastard.