[twilightzone]

elray,

I like your reasons for standing.

I don't care if things end in a D, I will not view standing as a poor decision.  I will walk away knowing I did everything in my power.

This is the only statement I do not understand.  If things end in a D, why would you walk away?  This does not really impact on you....does it?  This is not your choice....just another of your W's.

I choose to move forward and let God guide me along His intended path....whatever that might be.  And I choose to accept the path He has chosen for my W....if only she is able to find it.

[in it]

Braveheart
MLC may be some sort of hormone induced sickness, but infidelity is a choice, all kinds of planning, deceit and betrayal are required to pull it off.... nobody just happens to trip and fall onto a Pen!$ or into a V@g!n@. Anyone who thinks they can put all that behind them completely is in my opinion in denial, it's always going to be the elephant in the room.

That's exactly right especially if it isn't talked through or worked through by both people they both have to want it really badly. And even a fight or a question over where someone has been etc...it's going to rear it's ugly head unless there is some real connection made and two people knew they took each other for granted. AND ACKNOWLEDGED IT.

Massive trust has been broken...

[elray]

infidelity is a choice, all kinds of planning, deceit and betrayal are required to pull it off.... nobody just happens to trip and fall onto a Pen!$ or into a V@g!n@.

Braveheart,
I'm strongly disagreeing  with this statement! 

I've been married for twenty years, and I've come close several times to falling into a V@g!n@.   V@g!n@s are out to get me.  They always trying to catch me when I fall.  Its really no fault of my own.  Its not like I planned to fall into a V@g!n@.  I certainly didn't decieve the V@g!n@ or betray it.  Just because I'm a little trippy doesn't mean I should be responsible for where I land.  Fortunately, I've never had this problem with a Pen!$.

[in it]

I've been married for twenty years, and I've come close several times to falling into a V@g!n@.   V@g!n@s are out to get me.  They always trying to catch me when I fall.  Its really no fault of my own.  Its not like I planned to fall into a V@g!n@.  I certainly didn't decieve the V@g!n@ or betray it.  Just because I'm a little trippy doesn't mean I should be responsible for where I land.  Fortunately, I've never had this problem with a Pen!$

  ..........catching my breath......

OMG!!!! Thank you for this WOW..I needed a laugh soooooo bad today!!!!!

Well make sure you cover your a$$ if there's a Pen!$ around!! 

[Braveheart]

infidelity is a choice, all kinds of planning, deceit and betrayal are required to pull it off.... nobody just happens to trip and fall onto a Pen!$ or into a V@g!n@.

Braveheart,
I'm strongly disagreeing  with this statement! 

I've been married for twenty years, and I've come close several times to falling into a V@g!n@.   V@g!n@s are out to get me.  They always trying to catch me when I fall.  Its really no fault of my own.  Its not like I planned to fall into a V@g!n@.  I certainly didn't decieve the V@g!n@ or betray it.  Just because I'm a little trippy doesn't mean I should be responsible for where I land.  Fortunately, I've never had this problem with a Pen!$.

They must be pretty elusive in my neck of the woods because I've been trying to fall into one for about the last six month or so without much luck...slippery devils those V@g!n@'s....

[in it]

Well I got a bigger problem than that!! Try six YEARS talk to me then!

[StillStanding]

MLC may be some sort of hormone induced sickness, but infidelity is a choice, all kinds of planning, deceit and betrayal are required to pull it off.... nobody just happens to trip and fall onto a Pen!$ or into a V@g!n@.

The decision to have an affair is indeed a choice, but it's not accurate to say that all adulterous partners set out with the intention to have an affair. Willard Harley covers that ground well in His Needs, Her Needs: a marriage that meets the emotional needs of a spouse is going to be more resistant to the temptation of an affair than one that doesn't. If your needs aren't being met in a relationship, you are going to be drawn to people who do meet those needs for you.

Sure, there are going to be people who are serial cheaters. They don't have good boundaries, they see marriages as a relationship to get something out of, or they come from broken families where infidelity or divorce are just facts of life. But just because someone has an affair does not mean they are incapable of growing, of learning from their mistakes and choosing to be trustworthy again.

Anyone who thinks they can put all that behind them completely is in my opinion in denial, it's always going to be the elephant in the room.

Fortunately, your lack of imagination doesn't prevent many couples from doing just that.

[in it]

His Needs, Her Needs: a marriage that meets the emotional needs of a spouse is going to be more resistant to the temptation of an affair than one that doesn't. If your needs aren't being met in a relationship, you are going to be drawn to people who do meet those needs for you.

In my case the statement in green was not possible for me due to his NPD.

His needs will never be met due to what he lacks within himself to establish emotional intimacy. That's not just me..that's with anybody. Children, parents, siblings,friends ( which he has none),  pets, anything.

 He is devoid of feeling anything for anyone other than what he can manipulate or use to get a need satisfied without returning anything. We are all targets..marks...something to use and discard eventually.

[hobo1]

In it, I am completely with you on this one.  My XW was also unable to connect with anyone emotionally.  Totally incapable, I just didn't know it.  Have you looked up Avoidant Personality Disorder and its symptoms?  It fits exactly the characteristics of my XW.  And when someone doesn't connect with you emotionally, and your emotional needs are not met....  you have the option to find it somewhere else or you realize that you are married, and you stay true to your vows.  I realize that my needs were not met, but I never thought to divorce her, nor did I look to have an affair.

[Braveheart]

MLC may be some sort of hormone induced sickness, but infidelity is a choice, all kinds of planning, deceit and betrayal are required to pull it off.... nobody just happens to trip and fall onto a Pen!$ or into a V@g!n@.

The decision to have an affair is indeed a choice, but it's not accurate to say that all adulterous partners set out with the intention to have an affair. Willard Harley covers that ground well in His Needs, Her Needs: a marriage that meets the emotional needs of a spouse is going to be more resistant to the temptation of an affair than one that doesn't. If your needs aren't being met in a relationship, you are going to be drawn to people who do meet those needs for you.


Being drawn to meeting those needs outside your marriage is infidelity,  nobody has forced them to do anything, it is a choice to do so


Sure, there are going to be people who are serial cheaters. They don't have good boundaries, they see marriages as a relationship to get something out of, or they come from broken families where infidelity or divorce are just facts of life. But just because someone has an affair does not mean they are incapable of growing, of learning from their mistakes and choosing to be trustworthy again.

It does not matter what they decide or learned from their mistakes, they have proven they have poor boundaries and the damage has been done. The trust has been broken and there is no stuffing that Genie back in the bottle again.

Anyone who thinks they can put all that behind them completely is in my opinion in denial, it's always going to be the elephant in the room.

Fortunately, your lack of imagination doesn't prevent many couples from doing just that.

It's not my imagination, it's a fact. The statistics on reconcillation after infidelity are pretty grim. Because of the broken trust factor many monitor their spouses email, internet and cell phone usage for evidence of new cheating for years and experince emotional triggers any time their spouse is late from work or exhibit any sort of odd behavoir. That's not my idea of a pleasant way to live, but you are welcome to it