[Thundarr]

He turned it down, Still.  I said the same thing earlier.  DGU rocks!!

[BonBon]

WGH,
I'm glad you posted this.  It's always good to read whatever is out there.
I just wonder how much we coddle these people and I guess that is my problem.
Which probably says more about me and my continued lack of digesting that this isn't personal nor by choice.  I fully admit that...I'm not proud of it and I do know better intellectually.

[honour]

The writer says "let's not try to make the situation pretty". Ok, well the writer can start by removing the term "affair" and replace it with adultery. When you read the article and use the word adultery where affair is used it certainly doesn't sound pretty.

Survive And Thrive After Midlife Adultery!!!


"People in Mid life crisis are looking for answers. Often times a person in mid life crisis is not ready to be alone and looks for help outside their current situation.
As a result the consequence of many Midlife Crisis situations is that a person will think about or even engage in adultery

I have helped many people work through the consequences of Midlife adultery. Lets not try to make the situation pretty: the fact is, once you are reading this, it means you have entered in a very hard world, with very real consequences that will effect the rest of your life.

The only way to handle  midlife adultery is to remove judgement. Judgement traps a person into committing adultery and judgements force adultery to go deeper and become messier situations than they need to be. Judgements prevent people from learning from their mistakes. Judgement after the adutery will prevent a healthy relationship from growing from the aftermath.

So the one truth that must get released is:

Release the judgement!

There are three cases to consider: Pre adultery, During the adultery and Post adultery

Pre adultery".......and so on......

[Dontgiveup]

Honour

Now I would call that "edited for clarity".

[Foxberry]

Adultery is what it is.....

Affair is too kind a word for all the pain, anguish and betrayal that the word actually means....
Adultery is what it is.....can't be wrapped up any other way to make it easier for the Adulterer!
Foxy xxx

[Thundarr]

Glad to see you back, Honour

And I agree.  Adultery is adultery.  Pure and simple.

[LifeGoesOn]

If you are longing towards an affair the first step is to realize that your current relationship is already having serious enough problems to end it.

I had the biggest problem with this statement. Because you are crushing on an alienator, and enjoying their pursuit of you, your 10,20, 30 year marriage should be discarded like a cracked coffee mug? Really? I don't agree. Rather I believe the first step is to turn towards your spouse, and ask for help with your issues. IDK, it just ticked me off, (I am judging!) maybe I misunderstood it.

I do agree that to fully recover, one has to release judgement (find empathy and compassion to forgive?) to move forward, but that takes time and work!

And yeah, I agree "affair" makes it sound like a party everyone was invited to celebrate a happy event

[Stillpraying]

So is it considered Judgement to state that Adultery is wrong? (at least according to my beliefs)

[honour]

The writer says

"The process runs like this

    Remove judgement. No one is guilty."

Would we say this if we were talking about murder? Or stealing?

Are we to believe because its adultery no one is guilty? My children certainly believe their mother is guilty. I have tried to explain to them the reasons for W's behaviour but they say they can't just excuse everything she has done because of something in her childhood. "Where do you draw the line?" they have said to me.

I believe it is possible to forgive the MLCer. I believe this is possible because I tend towards the theory that this extreme behaviour that occurs at midlife is borne of depression. Depression caused by unresolved childhood issues, poor self-esteem and hormones. And there are the well documented triggers that spark it off. Having seen and heard what I did from my W and having read so many other accounts of MLC on these forums I am of the view that these people are mentally ill. A hallmark of depression is confusion. They are confused and so totaly lost in their distorted thinking. Depression is frightening. Terrifying. In their fear they scrabble around loking for a "cure" and the cure comes in the form of the euphoria of the new "love". A feeling of being "new" and "alive" that comes with the release of brain chemicals, feels like the cure. And they rationalize as follows: if the Alienator makes me feel this good then all my sadness must have been the fault of my husband/wife. And they get angry, hence Monster.

So if we are secure within ourselves, grounded with ourselves and our Creator we can forgive and understand the MLCer. But the adulterer has broken their marriage vows, betrayed trust, and damaged young minds when there are children involved. If the MLCer does not experience guilt for such actions then they have no conscience. If you have no conscience then you are psychotic.

If a psychotic commits murder, the psychotic is guilty. There maybe psychological reasons and explainations for the psychotic to commit an such an act but a court would still find the defendant guilty.

An adulterer can be forgiven and helped and healed but I don't think it is healthy to lose sight of the fact that adultery is wrong.

honour

[Stillpraying]

Thank you Honour!