[Jackolar12]

TZ, yes I know it doesn't matter when we think rationally; all these cases are individual & the timelines are estimates.  But sometimes I just need to calculate...it's a boost or something when I am emotional & needy--for example during holidays.  It goes like: IF I am lucky...& IF he... Okay I'm pathetic [worse, I have been known to google the satellite image of ow's house  ]. 

We know nothing of the our mler's stage except in the rearview mirror.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

PS.  My h is in replay & has been there a mighty long time [well into year 3].

Jack:

From my experience Bomb Drop did not occur until I started questioning my X's activities. I think it is more a response to the LBS's actions than an indicator of location on the MLC path.

Mac

hi Calamity thanks for your input and I too go over things in my mind a lot when I'm down trying to understand a crazy situation, mines starting her third year of replay and this will take a long time before she wakes up,look after yourself.
Regards
Jackolar

[Jackolar12]

I had bd#1 November 2010, bd#2 march 2012 and then final bd#3 may 2012. He moved out then but still stayed here when he wanted, he was awful monster the minute he Bd#3, that was when he had ow to move on to.

I believe h mlc started 2009. He had work issues, couldn't get any and so started business. I became pregnant mid 2009. He was horrible about money, he wasn't earning and using our house savings to live off. I became very reactive, pregnancy was really bad and scary. 2010, he started pulling away from the family, more and more meetings away from home, back late three times a week ... Increased in 2011. That was the really bad year and when he started looking around for someone else. I had baby and kind of felt abandoned. 2012 he's gone. So, about two years pre bd for me. I'm. Nearly 2 years post bd, so looking at four, four and a half years mlc horror. My daughter is four in April, it's been a tough time.

Hi Toughtimes thank you for your input,my ex kept her secrets well and though I look back and see subtle differences in her character and behaviour approximately two years prior to BD when she hit me with it she went into full monster spew and that was scary stuff indeed,so mine is two year build up and two year standing after major bomb drop.
Regards
Jackolar

[Moving Forward]

I think this is the curse of the LBS, we want to understand some 'absolutes' about when things started and how long 'things' (crazy behaviour, affairs, subsequent marriages) can be expected to last so that we can then 'start' putting a 'timeline' around how long we will 'stand' or 'tolerate' xyz behaviour. We LBS then believe we can 'manage' for a period of time until our spouse wants to come home.

I still have a huge timeline that I did on a roll of lining paper to help me make sense of my exH's erratic and horrid behaviour - it actually went back to early 2000 (which is when the first distant rumblings of his MLC started) but escalated from early 2006 and hit another high in late 2008 when we lost his Grandma and his final connection to his Mum (who died when he was 15 and his first BD and childhood wounding which is at the core of his MLC in my view)

My first real indication that something was really wrong was when my exH left after I confirmed his affair on 30.9.09 (14th wedding anniversary and I had a huge bouquet of my favourite flowers with a note telling me I was his world and he loved me forever!!). So that is the date I use as Bomb Drop  because that was the date that my whole world changed for ever and I then had to learn how to survive. All of the other horrid weird stuff in the time leading up to his departure were little warning shots and I was responding to them the same way I had always done, thinking I was married forever and this was just a rough patch we were going through. 

The simple reality is that there isn't a whole loads of MLC specific research out there and we witness some amazing discussions here on the Forum, intelligent discussions around nature vs nurture, brain chemistry impact on MLC, addiction impact on MLCers. This is a phenomenal forum for mulling over and discussing thoughts and issues important to us as we navigate our spouses MLC.
 
The bottom line for me to learn was that I cannot control anyone else's actions. I can only control me and once I 'got that' and the long long timescales of being involved with someone who is in crisis I started to live my life again for me and my 2 children.

[Jackolar12]

I think this is the curse of the LBS, we want to understand some 'absolutes' about when things started and how long 'things' (crazy behaviour, affairs, subsequent marriages) can be expected to last so that we can then 'start' putting a 'timeline' around how long we will 'stand' or 'tolerate' xyz behaviour. We LBS then believe we can 'manage' for a period of time until our spouse wants to come home.

I still have a huge timeline that I did on a roll of lining paper to help me make sense of my exH's erratic and horrid behaviour - it actually went back to early 2000 (which is when the first distant rumblings of his MLC started) but escalated from early 2006 and hit another high in late 2008 when we lost his Grandma and his final connection to his Mum (who died when he was 15 and his first BD and childhood wounding which is at the core of his MLC in my view)

My first real indication that something was really wrong was when my exH left after I confirmed his affair on 30.9.09 (14th wedding anniversary and I had a huge bouquet of my favourite flowers with a note telling me I was his world and he loved me forever!!). So that is the date I use as Bomb Drop  because that was the date that my whole world changed for ever and I then had to learn how to survive. All of the other horrid weird stuff in the time leading up to his departure were little warning shots and I was responding to them the same way I had always done, thinking I was married forever and this was just a rough patch we were going through. 

The simple reality is that there isn't a whole loads of MLC specific research out there and we witness some amazing discussions here on the Forum, intelligent discussions around nature vs nurture, brain chemistry impact on MLC, addiction impact on MLCers. This is a phenomenal forum for mulling over and discussing thoughts and issues important to us as we navigate our spouses MLC.
 
The bottom line for me to learn was that I cannot control anyone else's actions. I can only control me and once I 'got that' and the long long timescales of being involved with someone who is in crisis I started to live my life again for me and my 2 children.

Thank you MovingForward for your contribution,I know the little things that happen pre bomb drop we don't register at the time and if spotted we would react and try to help them but the crisis will occur regardless of our efforts,wishing you well.
Regards
Jackolar

[summer90]

My experience of the time frame alters sometimes when I'm remembering an event in the past and begin to see that there was clearly something "wrong" at that time but didn't have enough of a string of things to fit them together to make the MLC diagnosis. 

I think, from my reflections, it was at least two years before BD.  BD was instigated my me because I insisted on knowing what was wrong with my H because he was acting so strangely.  In hindsight, he had been showing me "signs" for a long time. He only BD'd me because I insisted on knowing why he was acting the way he was and that was the catalyst for him continuing the behaviour, now,  far more openly with the depression, crying, anger etc., whereas before he was imploding all the time.. I could see he was but couldn't figure out why.  Unfortunately, now I do know and ignorance was bliss for a while.

It does seem like a very long road without many clear signposts and a lot of fog. I'm grateful for this forum and the wonderful help.

[BB64]

I think there are more clues about when it all began when the mlcer starts showing overt depression but there are clues in replay, too.
Listen to the things they say, what they allude to when they monster and project, and in their actions and innactions during replay. Not just with you but with everyone else and themselves.
I pinpoint the start of my h back to 7 years ago when his stepfather died.
It was slowly simmering, in fact, he was so cold and indifferent to the Oger's death, at thevtime I thought: yes! We can now move on....
How wrong was I. But my h is an introvert and passive aggressive.
2006 was also the time where my agoraphobia was at its worse, our daughter started high school, her period and was a very confused little girl about her sexuality. Bless her, she thought she was a lesbian.
She isn't by the way.
2006 was also the time his mother came back on the scene and thus bringing the nasty past back to life.
From then until 2009 I can not pinpoint anything major, although 2009 was when I crept out of my agoraphobia and regained confidence in myself, freedom and lust for life.
Ah, just remembered: h started his own construction business with his druggy buddy. It didn't work too well. It was doing Ok, but not good enough for my h and his buddy who then had unrealistic ambitions.
Druggy buddy pulls out and starts his own windows business, leaving h behind, and reaping all the rewards of what my h had taught him. Druggy buddy was pretty much his apprentice before that.
2010: symptoms of mlc start to show. I can feel something isn't right but I put it down to life stresses. H buys a brandnew VW sports van, gorgeous vehicle h said: I work hard, I want something to show for it  and I deserve it. I validated and saix: yes, you do!
March:2010, we go onto a new business, ran by me in support so that h could carry on with his day job.
Business was doing good, then h has a fall out with our associates and bam! Business pulled from under our feet.
I was devastated, I had worked hard to set it all up and yes, h, felt guilty for the loss and he should as he actuality double crossed our associates. Greed!
His greed grew and grew. He started to resent the kids, saying that whdn he was 16 he had left home and was autonomous (yesh, you were and look where that got you today, autonomous without choice and parental support). Why should our kids want that or why should we as their parents?!!!!! H, I am guessing, felt he was dealt an unfaircdeal and as he coped with it (ish) everybody should experience it. Whatever. Kids and I humoured him, although the kids now tell me they hated him for suggesting they should leave.
2011: D then just turned 16 and was self harming. We found out through school. She was bullied. I took over because h was a bot useless, D went through counselling and we closed that door.
No problems with her since but massive trigger for h.
His physical mlc symptoms start to show: bad stomach, loss of appetite, bad indigestion, insomnia, fractured sleep, anxiety, anger, night sweats etc....I am getting the blame:it's you waking me up in tne night, it must be you!
Then, anything I cooked was making him ill, so I try and try to fix that, but anything I did or said was wrong.
I am still oblivious to his mlc and just carry on.
I go out more, to gal and to give him space. If I stayed he withdrew, if I went out , he withdrew. I now feel he was setting me up for failure.
Of course by then, my a ctions were seen as needy and clingy.
2012: replay begins
He goes off to Amsterdam with druggy buddy, then Canada on his own.
Both places he had fond memories off.....without me there. Back to age 16_19.
I get a nasty blast of his tongue after I joked about him and prostitutes in Amsterdam, he says: you should be gkad I don't on you, so and so does it all the time to his wife AND she's beautiful.

Ouch!
 I brushed it off. Then true withdraw came, I grew more and more desperate to get through him, without being aware of it and october 2012 I get:
Don't love you anymore
Don't fancy you amymore
You do everything for me
I need my own space
We can still be friends, we have to.

I convince him to give it another shot, he agrees because :he still have feelings for me.
2 weeks later, I realise he's not into it all and he tells me that he has no feelings for me whatsoever and he only slept with me because the sex was good. Manipulation, I was desperate and aiming to please, and he knew it! Treated me like a ow basically,

After that he clang and clang until oct 2013 when I put a stop to the clinging/cake eating madness. 2 weeks ago he turns it against me and tries to make it sound like it was his idea. Control freak!

Now, he's bought all the mlc toys and accessories. They bring him joy but shortly.
He's moved 4 times, none of the locations are permanent or even his.

Anyway, it is not until you some crazy behaviour that you can see it for mlc.


And don't confuse triggers for causes. Triggers awaken the bad feelings already firmly planted but dormant. That's when the $h!te hits the fan and we get the blame for making him them 'feel that way' and we get the blame, sometimes, for jyst being present at the times.

Look into theor FOo issues because I think that most of the time that is were the patterns and blue prints of their replay lay. They feel pushed to act upon those awakened feelings.
Everything becomes about their feelings and emotions.

My h doesn't really want to let me go, I know that now after 2 weeks of crying over freshly dropped bd 2: I never want to see or heae from you ever again.
I had kade complaints you see, and that, I'm sure, poked the freshly awakened feelings of failure and rejection in him.

With my h, it's all about the Foo,

[Jackolar12]

My experience of the time frame alters sometimes when I'm remembering an event in the past and begin to see that there was clearly something "wrong" at that time but didn't have enough of a string of things to fit them together to make the MLC diagnosis. 

I think, from my reflections, it was at least two years before BD.  BD was instigated my me because I insisted on knowing what was wrong with my H because he was acting so strangely.  In hindsight, he had been showing me "signs" for a long time. He only BD'd me because I insisted on knowing why he was acting the way he was and that was the catalyst for him continuing the behaviour, now,  far more openly with the depression, crying, anger etc., whereas before he was imploding all the time.. I could see he was but couldn't figure out why.  Unfortunately, now I do know and ignorance was bliss for a while.

It does seem like a very long road without many clear signposts and a lot of fog. I'm grateful for this forum and the wonderful help.

Thank you Summer90 for your input, it would seem so far with this thread that a two year lead in to bomb drop is a popular theme,with your insight I can see a catalyst with my ex as she was treating me so badly at the time I refused to go to a friends wedding party with her and things went down hill from there,take care.
Regards
Jackolar

[Lanzo]

Jackolar, "forever" is really about five years.

I think if you look to my situation and that of Boobo that "forever" can be a bit more than 5 years, but maybe mine is an extreme case. But I do tend to agree there is a kind of 2 year run up to some sort of bomb is dropped on you. Replay can go "forever" so its not a straight forward one size fits all.

So does it all matter ? maybe yes, maybe no, but it all makes for an interesting debate.

Lanzo

[sleepless]

The seeds for W MLC were planted with major FOO issues and compounded with death and deathbed disclosure of secret from MIL 5 years ago (the only parent W knew).
W had previously always been on top of everyday budget and done an excellent job. I was the big ticket item budget guy. We hadn't done any big ticket items for about three years. Every time I looked at finances for these the financial picture was exactly as expected. 
BD: 3/13
A week later W disclosed an accumulation of debt.
A week after that I dig around and find debt issues much bigger than portrayed.
Debt run up began of course around two years prior to BD.
There is something to this two year thing.

[Jackolar12]

Jackolar, "forever" is really about five years.

I think if you look to my situation and that of Boobo that "forever" can be a bit more than 5 years, but maybe mine is an extreme case. But I do tend to agree there is a kind of 2 year run up to some sort of bomb is dropped on you. Replay can go "forever" so its not a straight forward one size fits all.

So does it all matter ? maybe yes, maybe no, but it all makes for an interesting debate.

Lanzo

Thank you Lanzo the more we know the more we can pass on to others,thank you for your perspective.
Regards
Jackolar